Magneto: A Fan-Fic-Rific Christmas
By Greg Newcomb (

...with apologies and tribute to Theodor Geisel & Ernest L. Thayer...

Disclaimer: All characters herein are the property of Marvel Comics and are used without permission, but no harm is intended and no money is being made.  Please do not archive without permission from the author.  Feedback is appreciated.

Every Mutie
Down on Earth
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Magnus,
Who lived in orbit of Earth
Did NOT!

Magnus hated Christmas!  The whole holiday season!
Now, please don't ask why.  There are many reasons.
It could be that his cape wasn't clean and bright.
It could be, perhaps, that his helmet was too tight.
But I think the reason with the most clout
Was that his entire family had been unkindly wiped out.

Whatever the reason,
His cape or dead kin,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the X-Men,
Staring down through a scope on his orbiting rock,
While knocking back cheap liquor, the last of his stock.
For he knew every Mutie on Earth far below
Was busy signing contracts for their own cartoon show.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he said with a swig.
"Tomorrowish Chrishmash!  It's going to be big!"
Then he belched, with his gloved fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find shome way to shtop Chrishmash from co...happ...occur...going on!"

Tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Mutie guys with their wives
Would wake bright and early, solve crimes and save lives!
And then! Oh, the Noise!  Noise!  Noise!  Noise!
And him with a hangover and NOISE!  NOISE!  NOISE!  NOISE!

Then the Muties, bald and blue, would sit down to a brunch.
And they'd lunch!  And they'd crunch!
And they'd BRUNCH!

They would all kid around, and maybe they'd roast Beast
Who was a big blue idiot Magnus couldn't stand in the least!

They'd do something
He liked least of all!
Every Mutie in the mansion, Scott, Jean, et al,
Would stand close together, with his headache ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand (except for Rogue).  And the Muties would start singing!

They'd sing!  And they'd sing!
And the more Magnus thought of this Mutie sing-along,
The more he, "Dear God, itsh just so wrong!
"Why, for thirty-plush years I've put up with thish crap!
"I MUST stop Chrismash from coming!

...after my NAP!"

Then he had a thought!
An evil thought!

"I know jush what to do!" Magnus laughed in fits.
"I'll build a big death ray and blow them to bitsh!"
He looked for his death ray upstairs and under his bed,
Then he shrugged and put on a Santa Claus suit instead.

"All I need now ish a reindeer..."
Magnus looked around.
But, since reindeer implode in space, there were none to be found.
Did that stop old Magnus...?
No, even drunk he knew,
"I call up a friend and get them liquored up too!"
So he called his pal Jack * , then he gave him some JD
And soon Jack was wearing antlers, a lampshade and a small tree.

He grabbed a box of Ziplocs
And one big Hefty sack
On a convenient sleigh
And, with some resistance, he hitched up Jack.
Then Magnus said, "Get along, doggish!"
And a frown crossed his face
As he and Jack pondered
How to get the sleigh though space?

But luckily it was magnetic, so he made a big bubble,
And soon was in Salem Center, to start causing trouble,
He and Jack scurried to the X-Mansion on the double,
"This ish the place," slovenly Magnus Claus stammered
As he tried climbing a ladder despite being hammered.

Then he slid down the chimney.  A rather tight squeeze.
But, with Santa so obese, it ought to be a breeze.
He got stuck, but once, for a moment pray tell,
Then he got pissed and quietly blew the chimney to Hell.
Where once the little Muties stockings hung two-by-two,
Was now a pile of rubble mixed with lava lamp goo!

Then he stumbled and tripped, with a smell most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, crushing every present!
Fondue sets!  And playing cards!  A new hard drive for Cerebro!
And a special something from Scott to Jean, a frilly know!
He stuffed the bits into bags, and laughed as if it were funny,
While outside Jack was mugging a choral group for money!

Then he stumbled to the kitchen, looking to make them pay,
Taking all their Tupperware lids, and using ice without filling the tray,
He wanted to cause more mischief, but had little time to schmooze,
When he spotted their liquor cabinet, and cleaned out all the booze.

Then he stuffed it all the chimney with a magnetic push,
"And NOW!" grinned Magnus, "I will steal their Chrismash tr...bush!"

And Magnus grabbed the tree and shoved in the flue,
When he heard a small CLANK like a metal shoe.
He thought himself caught, and he looked in the room,
But instead of a Mutie, it was Victor Von Doom!

Magnus had been spotted by this other arch-villain,
Maybe they could strike a deal, if he was willing.
Doom stared at Magnus and finally asked, "Why?"
"Why are you dressed in that silly outfit?  WHY?"

He may have been caught, but he looked at Von Doom,
And wondered why he wore a pumpkin and carried a broom?
"Well, my sweet little Doom," said Magnus with a sneer
"Don't you know this ish the proper getup for this time of year?
"The Great Pumpkin comesh in October, you ingrate,
"And besides, the Baxshter Building is clear across the state."

The words got to Doom, and he hung his head low,
And slowly turned away, and started to go.
With his family dead, he had not a care,
And Magnus crushed Doom into a small square.

Then the last thing he took
Was some undies from Rogue's drawer!
He put them in his pocket, for him to adore.
So she couldn't share them, the filthy whore!

And the one bit of booze
That he left in the place
Was a few drops of Molsons, just to see Logan's face!

He did the same stuff
To the other Muties' houses
Leaving only
Drops of Schlitz
For the other Muties' louses!

It was a quarter past dawn...

All the Muties, still a-snooze,
All the Muties, with no booze,
They packed up the sled,
Packed it up with the beer!  Rum!  Whiskey of rye and corn!
The lids!  Rogue's underwear and other bits of porn!

A thousand feet up he lifted the sleigh!
He sat up on top awaiting the day!
"Ha-Ha to the X-Men!" he was drunkenly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Chrishmash is coming!
"They're jush waking up!  I know jush what they'll say!
"They're mouths will hang open in a fishy way
"Then all the Muties will know that Mangeto rulesh today!"

"That'sh a noise," grinned Magnus
"That I simply MUSH hear!"
So he waited, and he belched, and put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound, but not very near.
It started in low.  Then it started to grow...

The sound wasn't sad!
In fact the sound sounded glad!
It shouldn't be so!
But it WAS very glad!  BAD!

He stared down at the ground,
From his helmet bugged his eyes!
He blew some chunks!
He saw a shocking surprise!

For all the Muties, the blue and the tall,
Were singing and partying and having a ball!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
It appears all he did was LOOT THE WRONG PLACE!

He looked at Rogue's panties clinched tight in his hand,
And realized they probably were a granny's or belonged to a man!
While he stood puzzling and cursing their mirth,
The sleight suddenly started plunging to Earth.
Something had caused him to lose his grasp
And he came plummeting down with a crash.

Oh, somewhere in this fabled land,
The sun is shining bright.
Muties still fight for freedom,
And fair and equal rights.
Somewhere children are laughing,
And some are busting their guts.
But they say that what brought down Magnus,
Is when Jack kicked him square in the nuts!


* = Jack Palance.  Don't ask.  Just look for "A Fan-Fic-Rific Halloween."