A FanFicRific Halloween Story
By Greg Z. Newcomb
Disclaimer: (ghostwritten by Doc Nuke's wife): Recognizable characters in this story belong to Marvel, Saban, DC, Trey Parker & Matt Stone, and the inspiring folks at Wizard Press for their Dr. Doom jokes. This story is not to be distributed for profit -- contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to archive it. Feedback is enjoyed immensely.
(The scene opens on the secluded country home of Magneto, Mutant Master of Magnetism. As we zoom in along the walkway, we can see a pumpkin decorated with a smile and a purple helmet with an 'M' on it. Moving in through the window, we see Magneto, drinking a Yoohoo and watching Cartoon Network.)
MAGNETO: Ah, Tom and Jerry, mindlessly bashing each other, so unaware of the evils of humankind towards their fellow man.
(The doorbell rings. Magneto stands up.)
MAGNETO: I hear the sound of approaching Halloween goblins. This time of year actually softens my heart a little. The innocence of youth is marvelous.
(He puts on his helmet and opens the door revealing a group of Power Rangers.)
POWER RANGERS: Trick or treat!
MAGNETO: Oh, how original. Isn't this over already? I mean, that last movie, who saw that?
BLUE RANGER: Huh?
RED RANGER: What are you talking about?
PINK RANGER: Give up with the goods, gramps.
MAGNETO: Loveable scamps, I shall resist the temptation to hurl sharp metal objects through your adorable be-jumpsuited bodies. Instead I think I shall use this moment to hand out delicious candied persimmons, each wrapped with a pamphlet about how humans should respect their genetic superiors.
(The Green Ranger kicks Magneto in the gnads. He moans and begins rolling on the porch.)
GREEN RANGER: This blows!
BLUE RANGER: He talks too much!
RED RANGER: Old coot!
(They run away chuckling like evil little children. Magneto jumps back up again, cape flying behind him, lightning crackling about his body.)
MAGNETO: Ungrateful scamps! Next time you visit my door you shall be besieged by flying anvils and dancing 16-ton weights! No mere human child takes the candied persimmons of Magneto, Mutant Master of Magnetism, then crushes his genitals!
(In anger, he sends his mailbox flying towards the running children. It misses, slamming into a parked car.)
MAGNETO: Now I have no mailbox.
(Magneto stomps back into his house and plops down into the easy chair. He refreshes his Yoohoo with a shot of vodka.)
MAGNETO: Children today . . . (drinks) . . . have no respect for their elders . . . (drinks) . . . they need to see their family killed in front of them . . . (drinks) . . . that teaches you to respect your elders . . . (drinks)
(Magneto sits and sips for a long while. Finally, the doorbell rings.)
MAGNETO: More children. More lovely, lovely children.
(Magneto opens the door to reveal a group of Batmen. There is an Adam West Batman, a Michael Keaton Batman, a Val Kilmer Batman, and a George Clooney Batman.)
BATMEN: Trick or treat!
MAGNETO: My goodness, a gaggle of Batmen! (The vodka begins to take effect.) So many different flavors.
(Magneto grabs the bowl of candied persimmons and begins handing them out.)
MAGNETO: So, you're Batman, huh?
MICHAEL KEATON BATMAN: (In a whisper) I'm the quirky and broody original Batman.
MAGNETO: And you're another Batman?
VAL KILMER BATMAN: (In a monotone) I'm the brooding Batman with rubber nipples.
MAGNETO: How nice for you. You're Batman too, eh?
GEORGE CLOONEY BATMAN: (In an attempt of bad acting) I'm the souless pretty-boy Batman.
MAGNETO: That's obvious. Now you, aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?
ADAM WEST: Not at all -- these boys need a chaperone, and besides, I'm the original Batman.
MAGNETO: I thought you were a pudgy, over-the-hill, out-of-work mockery.
ADAM WEST: No, you have me confused with Burt Ward.
MK BATMAN: We don't know him.
GC BATMAN: He's not our dad or anything.
VK BATMAN: He's been following us for days.
GC BATMAN: We can't get rid of him.
MAGNETO: Superheroes, you fancy yourselves superheroes. You don't know superheroes. Do you know who I am?
MK BATMAN: Some old guy in a weird purple suit?
ADAM WEST: I love your tights.
MAGNETO: I am Magneto, Mutant Master of Magnetism! I know superheroes! I have fought alongside them and against them! I have killed them! I know the real Batman, and he isn't any of you! He's a dark angel, stalking the night looking for the scourge of the Earth! He uses his brain and brawn to outwit the most clever criminals! He's a noble paladin of epic proportions! That's what he is!!!!
(The children, and Adam West, stand stunned.)
MAGNETO: I'll tell you what he's not: he's not a Mr. Mom who desperately wishes he was Tom Hanks and continually tries to switch between comedy and drama, but who only suceeds when he's wearing a rubber suit! He's not a money hungry actor with rubber niples trading stupid, monotone quips with Ace Ventura! He's not a so-called mega-star whose only real claim to fame is that he is incredibly popular, but nobody knows why! He's definitely not a washed-up hasbeen who has been desperately clinging to this one piece of noteriety and showing up at shopping malls wearing his tights! None of you are really BATMAN!!!
(Magneto finishes with a BOOM of electrical energy. The kids have already run off, but Adam West is handing him a card.)
ADAM WEST: As I said, I like your tights. Give me a call sometime and tell me about your tailor.
(Adam West leaves, Magneto stares at the card.)
MAGNETO: The Mutant Master of Magnetism does not need your card!
(In anger, Magneto sends his Dodge Neon flying at Adam West. Unfortunately, he misses again and the car crashes into the top of a neighbor's tree.)
MAGNETO: Now I have no car. This is not a good night.
(Magneto goes back inside. He begins sipping his Yoohoo and vodka again. Several drunken hours later the doorbell rings again.)
MAGNETO: More evil children wanting my pers-persh-pershimmons.
(Magneto opens the door to reveal four young children. There is a fat kid dressed as a Klansman, a kid dressed like Dracula, a kid with a Raggedy Andy face, and a kid in an orange-red hooded sweater wrapped in tinfoil.)
KYLE, STAN AND CARTMAN: Trick or treat!
KENNY: Mmmmm mm mmmmm!
MAGNETO: My, what interesting scamps. (Sees Cartman.) That's inapp-inapp-in-- wrong, boy.
CARTMAN: What? I'm a ghost. Give me candy!
KYLE: You should see what he has under there.
MAGNETO: And what are you supposed to be?
KENNY: Mmmmmm mmmmmm.
STAN: Like in the comic books.
MAGNETO: The Silver Surfer, like in the comic booksh? HA!! You are a child wrapped up in al-alu-alum-alumbrium foil! You have no cosmic powers!
KYLE: So are you going to give us candy or not?
CARTMAN: Yeah, goddammit, where's my candy!
MAGNETO: (Still fascinated by Kenny) Your coshmic powers are nothing! Behold the Mutant Mashter of Magna-stuff.
(With a crackle of electrical thunder, Magneto tightens the tinfoil around little Kenny's hooded sweatshirt. After Kenny begins to writhe and choke, Magneto fires him high into the night sky and out of sight.)
MAGNETO: Now you will shurf the stars!!
KYLE: OH MY GOD! He killed Kenny!
STAN: You bastard!
CARTMAN: Dammit! I want my candy!
MAGNETO: Here, have these candied pershimmons. They are nut-nutri-good for you.
CARTMAN: Son of a bitch!
MAGNETO: Now, go, before you shuffer my wrath as well!
(Magneto slams the door and returns to his vodka and Yoohoo.)
MAGNETO: Once again I have killed. Somehow I feel it was deserved.
(Many more hours pass. Magneto has consumed several vodka Yoohoos and thrown many candied persimmons at passing children. The doorbell rings again.)
MAGNETO: Have they not learned from the othersh? I shall shmite them with hurled pershimmmonsh.
(Magneto opens the door to see a young man wearing a blue uniform with a yellow visor across his eyes.)
CYCLOPS KID: Trick or treat!
MAGNETO: My, my dresshed like little Schott Shummers.
CYCLOPS KID: Yes, sir! I'm an X-Man!
MAGNETO: I shee that. You want shome treats?
CYCLOPS KID: Yes, sir! I would like that very much!
MAGNETO: Then you must shay it for me!
CYCLOPS KID: Say what?
MAGNETO: You shay it so well, shay it.
CYCLOPS KID: What?
MAGNETO: "Jean." Shay "Jean" for me.
CYCLOPS KID: Jean?
MAGNETO: No. Yell it out. In agony. You do it sho well.
CYCLOPS KID: Jean!
MAGNETO: NO! SAY JEAAANNNNN!!!!
(The kid, terrified, runs down the street. Magneto sighs and walks back into the house and slumps in his chair.)
MAGNETO: Jean . . . (drinks) . . . Jeaannn (drinks) . . . JeAaAaAaAaAan . . . (drinks, burps)
(The doorbell rings, and Magneto pulls himself to the door again. There is a little girl dressed like Storm, an older teenage girl dressed like Rogue.)
STORM KID: Trick or treat!
(Magneto pushes past the child and approaches the girl dressed as Rogue. Suddenly the drunkenness seems gone.)
MAGNETO: Rogue, what are you doing here?
ROGUE GIRL: I'm taking my little sister out trick-or-treating. She wanted to be X-Men.
MAGNETO: What a wonderful sacrifice. You always did think of others.
(He moves close to her, nearly nose to nose.)
ROGUE GIRL: Mister, I don't know you, but my name is Carol, and I'm only 17.
MAGNETO: I know you, Rogue . . . you're older than that.
(Magneto begins to kiss her. She sprays him with pepper spray.)
ROGUE GIRL: Come on, Cindy, let's get away from this creep!
MAGNETO: I am having a bad Halloween.
The End . . . ?
If you liked this tale, please drop some email to Greg Z. Newcomb. C'mon, isn't a few words and a few moments of online time a good price for a good story...and to encourage this guy to write even more? C'mon, people -- I have to live with him. And no, he didn't ask me to post this -- I had to pry it out of him like a wisdom tooth!
HTML and disclaimers by Kielle.