Pate Wars:  The New Xavier By Phil Hartman
Reviewed by Dannell Lites

*snicker*  *snarf*  *other unlady-like noises*

Ok, one of the best things about this little gem is the title:):)

Now here's the skinny:  Amelia Voght and Magneto interrupt a shrink
session Charles is having with Doc Sampson and the three of them go off
on a vacation to spend New Years Eve at Daytona Beach.  And I quote:

" - we're going to Daytona Beach for New Year's Eve, getting
ridiculously drunk, and leer at women half our age before the police
run us out at 3 a.m. !"

 Xavier gaped and thought, #He HAS lost his mind !#

(Yeppers, I thought so too!)

 "Magnus half-smiled and said, "No, I'm quite serious. Think about it -
we're single, dirty old men in the bodies of college-age boys,
Charles. That temper tantrum I threw in Genosha - your tantrum when
you mindwiped me - it's the classic sign of a repressed id ! Now come
on ..."

Truer words were never spoke Sugah but the problem is that neither
Xavier nor especially Magneto is ever likely to realize this!  My first
thought was to consign this to The Magneto Hall Of Shame since no one
(with the possible exception of Doc Sampson) is recognizable here.  But
then I said to myself says I, "Lites, ya'll need to get a life.  This
humor for God's sake!  Lighten up Sugah!"  So I did.  Now the story
still has problems:  Magneto comes around to Chuckie's say of thinking
much too easily and it relies overmuch on coincidence (Lee Forrester
just "happens" to show up at the same bar where Chuck and Mags are
getting drunk, leering at women half their age, etc) but by God it *is*
funny!  Mr. Hartman has a fine sense of humor and it show though.  They
say that when it comes to being funny timing is everything and Hartman
has a splendid sense of timing.  Once you stop worrying about the
obvious flaws and relax  I think you'll like this story.  I did.:):)

And besides, any story that can come up with a new use for Magneto power
(letting him drink a lot without getting drunk) is OK by moi!  Hee!

And then there's *this* little corker:

 "BILL YOU !? Oh for heaven's sake ...," Samson groaned as the mutants
vanished. The phone rang, and he muttered, "Samson ... WHAT !? No,
Dad, I TOLD you, Eddie CANNOT have the canapes from Bruce and Betty's
baby shower !!"

Enjoy:):)


Dannell!