From jjarrows@aol.com Mon Nov 10 19:16:54 1997 Path: news2.ispnews.com!news1.ispnews.com!europa.clark.net!208.134.241.18!newsfeed.internetmci.com!152.163.199.19!portc03.blue.aol.com!audrey01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jjarrows@aol.com (JJ ARROWs) Newsgroups: alt.fan.q Subject: NEW: Uh-Oh. (Q, author, parody) Date: 11 Nov 1997 03:16:54 GMT Lines: 111 Message-ID: <19971111031600.WAA07937@ladder01.news.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ladder01.news.aol.com X-Admin: news@aol.com Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Xref: news2.ispnews.com alt.fan.q:909 Okay, I *CAN'T* live up to what you guys have written. But I did feel compelled to write something. Tell me what you think; I'm REALLY rusty at this (time to read "Q Rules!" again!!), though, so don't kill me if it sucks... but feel free to tell me. ======== Since I loved Ruth's story so much, I borrowed something from it, if that's okay, which it probably isn't. ====== Uh-Oh. c1997, JJ Arrow(s) <---- "s" or no "s"? Can't decide! Brain hurts!! DISCLAIMER: I really don't have a gerbil. When that flash of light appeared in JJ's living room, she knew it was time to put her clothes back on. "Damn," she grumbled. Q leaned against the wall with his arms folded. "So it's you." His voice sounded disdainful, almost as if he had expected someone a little taller, and with just a tad more fashion sense. "I supposed you thought that paltry little concoction of a pen name would hide you." JJ gulped. On the computer screen, this being seemed so small and weak and helpless, and prone to fits of crying in the right Mary Sue-ish, implausible, hurt/comfort atmosphere. But this wasn't a computer screen, at least not to her knowledge, and this was disavowing all thoughts or theories of weird existentialist "Maybe we all live in a computer!!" type meanderings, because once she started in on that line of thought, there was no going back, and the last time it happened, her parents said they found her unconsious six blocks away in the Murphy's yard, and the family gerbil was pregnant. Q circled her predatorially. "So fickle lately, are we, my dear? Diving headfirst into one obsession, and then abruptly jumping out of the pool and entwining yourself in another?" Menace was emanating in waves from his tone. "Where'd you ever get that idea? I wouldn't do s-s-something like th-that..." she stammered, surreptitiously kicking the Swamp Thing videos and the rolled up picture of Dr. Arcane naked (save for a strategically placed packet of Red Hots) under the coffee table. With a flick of a wrist, the coffee table and all contents underneath were sent to Borneo. He backed the writer up against the wall. "You know that's not how we do business..." Q hissed into her ear. JJ felt herself begin to tremble even more violently. *Oh, please don't let him take out the contract, PLEASE don't let him take out the contract!* A smiled played upon his lips. "I do love it when they beg." A document on glossy InkJet printer paper appeared in his hand. " 'I, JJ Arrows -- ' " He rolled his eyes again at the name. "-- ' do sollemnly swear upon the omnipotence of the great and powerful Q, (of the stylish panache, roguish charm, and trim, boyish figure)' --" He raised an eyebrow, grinning. " --'to sell my soul eternally to Q. Side effects of such a transaction may include: an irrepressible urge to write bad fanfiction; the loss of one's social life; scanning all encyclopedias within one's vicinity for the English alphabet letter of the same name and then gasping and shrieking in joy upon when said letter is found; etcetera, etcetera." JJ just nodded numbly, her eyes darting back and forth from Q to the kitchen to the TV to Q and back to the kitchen again, wondering if she had any chance in Hell for a break for it, and how many seconds she'd have to swing by the computer room, grab the disk with "Spectrum" on it and bolt out the door, if so. "Ah ah ah," Q grinned darkly, as the computer and diskette filer exploded and JJ felt something inside her die, " 'A breach in this contract (i.e., going into hiding, taping over "Tapestry", or enveloping oneself with another obsession'--" Q glowered down at her with an almost hurt expression. " -- 'will be dealt with viciously and accordingly. Signed, JJ --' " JJ winced. "-- 'Arrows.' " Wince. The entity gently touched the side of her face with two fingers as she felt herself get in danger of wetting her pants when Q said quietly, "And up until the last 8 months or so, you've fulfilled your part of this little deal admirably for a creature of your severely limited talent, ability, and intelligence." JJ let out a relaxed little sigh. *Thank you, oh thank you GOD --* "And that's exACTLY why you're in trouble." JJ stiffened as Q's face went dark. Q seethed. "Care to elaborate on what you were thinking at the time?" He began to pace. "Inconceivable!! That such a puny thing such as yourself would DARE write that... that ABOMINATION!! Anomalies that defy fundamental, universal principles, sadistic attacks on ME -- and that's a punishment all its own, darlin' -- sappy romance with a 5-foot-tall savage, and I won't even begin on those *immensely* charming so-called little 'lost chapters' of yours... " He put his face in one hand and stopped his pacing for a minute before resuming again. "And then the parody... the parody..." He moaned. "Mercutio's paying for that one..." Q stopped his pacing to stare at her. "What in the name of all the multiverse did you think you were DOING?!" "Hurt/comfort?" JJ whimpered. JJ sat straight up in bed, gasping and drenched with sweat. She fumbled for the light on the little clown lamp and looked around, wide-eyed. A sigh shook her whole body. *Just a few bad paragraphs,* she assured herself mentally, calming down. *The author hasn't written Q in a very long time, and it was just a few really bad paragraphs. That word "darlin' " DIDN'T happen. It's over now.* The digital clock's red numerals said 9:05 AM. Hey. It wasn't noon. *Time to go back to sleep.* She had just hit the pillow when her mother walked in, beaming. "Whuh?" JJ asked eloquently. "I know I told you last night, but I have to tell you again -- I'm so proud of you." Her mom was smiling like there was no tomorrow. "Joining the field hockey team AND the Enviromental Club... changing all your classes to GT and AP... getting rid of the online service to devote more time to your..." Tears were streaming down her face. "s-s-studies..." The woman broke down sobbing, enfolding her daughter in her arms. "Oh honey, I'm so PROUD of you!!!" JJ's vision darted around. If she squinted, out of the corner of her eye, deep in the darkness of the closet, she thought she could see a hint of gingham. --end-- -JJ --- "I am Patches, queen of the underworld. But you may call me Madame Tweed." Anonymous