Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, Phoebe, and Skinner are the property of Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting, and 1013 Productions. Chief Inspector Clouseau and Dreyfus are the property of Blake Edwards, and MGM\United Artists. I have not asked, but I'm borrowing all of them for my wacked out story. No infringement is intended. The only thing I can offer for my thievery is left over Halloween candy the trick or treaters didn't eat. This is my FIRST attempt at a crossover, please enjoy its silliness, Philes! I loved the Pink Panther movies growing up, I hope you did too. It will be total nonsense to cheer up those who need it. I think you know what I mean. Archive: H, C Rated PG Summary: Mulder and Scully are assigned to a case with Inspector Clouseau. Mulder looses his mind. Tries to kill Clouseau. Some parts will be narrated by Dreyfus. To Kill A Loony Bird By: Anonymous (email: driftster@hotmail.com) FBI Headquarters 10:16 AM "I have been in close contact with INTRPOL concerning the strange lights over Paris and London. There was mass hysteria among Parisian residents and a forty car pile up in Piccadilly Square." Skinner handed the files to Mulder. "Are we to go to London or Paris?" Scully asked. "London. You are to meet a French Inspector at Scotland Yard who will correspond with his Paris office on your findings." Scotland Yard Next Day 11:34 AM "Fox, how good to see you!" Phoebe announced as the agents walked into her office. "Hi. Has Clouseau arrived yet?" "No, but his superior is due shortly. I see your down to business already." "Must've been the plane ride. My flights to London often are accompanied by turbulence and an upset stomach. Looking forward to going home." "I see, that's too bad. I was hoping you'd stay a while. Well, Agent Scully. It is wonderful to see you also managed the trip." Phoebe looked at Dana with a friendly smile, but her words rang with a spiteful tone. Scully returned the false smile. She really couldn't stand this woman. Just then Dreyfus walked in. "Good day, Detective Green." He greeted. "Welcome Monsieur Dreyfus." Phoebe rushed passed the agents to the French representative. Scully looked at Mulder, who shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes at the former girlfriend's flirtatious actions. "Ah, these must be the American FBI agents." He walked over to them. "Yes, hello. I am Agent Mulder and this is my partner Agent Dana Scully." They exchanged handshakes. "Monsieur Dreyfus, Detective Green tells me that Scully and I are to meet one of your inspectors." "Ah, Yes...Clouseau. We found it so hard to part with him for this case." Dreyfus started to snicker. "He is our best inspector. But you are welcomed to keep Clouseau as long as you need him. Scully and Mulder smiled politely and gazed over at Phoebe, who was curiously staring at Dreyfus and his strange facial contortions. The door to the office opened again. Entering was a man wearing a hat and a beige trenchcoat. As he shut the door the bottom of his coat became lodged in its crack. With a quick wrist snap the man yanked it from the door's clutches. Everyone turned with wide eyes towards the him. Everyone, except the snickering Dreyfus. The Frenchman weezed like he was having an asthma attack. "Pardon my interup' tion. I coold not negotiate traffeek to get here on time." The man walked over and extended his hand to Mulder and Scully. "Helluoo, I am Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau." The agents returned his gesture hesitantly and introduced themselves. Phoebe was still staring at Dreyfus and she wondered if he was having a nervous breakdown. Clouseau eyed is superior and immediately went over to greet him with a firm hand slap to the back. "Dreyfus! Are we working togethair?" "Oh, no, no, no, Clouseau. I believe you are the man for this case. I trust you completely to work with our American associates." Scully thought. Mulder thought. Phoebe thought. "Ooo, yew are too kind, Dreyfus. I shall not disappoint yew or the great country of France!" Mulder wanted to call Skinner and ask if this set up was some kind of retribution for his conduct with the Bureau. "Soo, Agjont Muldair. I understand yew kneau about deese thingys that fly in the sky. Yu F Oohs?" "Yes, that is why I was assigned to this particular case." "Interesting. And yew Agjont Scully." "I perform medical research." "Ahhh, dew yew kneau about alee'ons?" "Not really. I am quite skeptical on their existence." "Interesting. Well, where shall we beegin?" Before Mulder could answer another stifled chuckle came from Dreyfus. End Part One **** Part Two: A Brief opening narration by Dreyfus: Freedom. My freedom. At long last I may finally be free of Clouseau ! The key to my salvation lies in the American agent, Fox Mulder. I read his profile and I believe he is unstable enough to actually kill Clouseau for me. I have already begun to plan a touching, full-military funeral for our catastrophe-prone friend, Clouseau . Yes, while all of France mourns his untimely passing, I will be partying in my office, getting drunk off my ass from the finest French wine. My days filled with prozac and Clouseau-induced breakdowns will be gone forever. Viva le Mulder! Somewhere in the English countryside 2:25 PM "Agjont Muldair, are yew sure yew read thee mop correctly?" asked Clouseau. "Yes, I'm sure." "Mulder, we've been driving for three hours. Stonehenge is pretty hard to miss." Scully said, unfolding the map to make sure they were going the right way. "It should only be a couple miles after we go over this one-way bridge up ahead, Scully." At the bridge. . . "Mulder, look, that group of people standing near the bridge. They're dressed in medieval clothing." "Acteurs! I leuve thee theateur!" Mulder stopped the car and the three of them got out to see what the oddly dressed group was doing at the bridge. "Hello, would you be able to move? We are working for the government, and we need to get by." Mulder asked the tallest man, who was dressed in knight's armor. "Sorry, can't let you pass." the knight replied. "Why not?" asked Scully. "Because, we were here first, our quest is more important!" another costumed man answered. "Quest?" Mulder wondered. "Yes, we are searching for the Holy Grail! I am Arthur, King of the Brits!" a man with a crown yelled, stepping forward with a sword held high in the air. Mulder thought. "Well, your Majesty, we have to get across, now. I'm sure the Grail can wait a little longer." "You have to get by me first!" cried a hunchbacked, old man with one eye. "I am the Keeper of the Bridge of Death! You must answer three questions to pass!" "Three? I thought it was five?" questioned a knight. "No, you dolt! Three is the number for the Holy Hand Grenade!" answered Lancelot. "All right, Clouseau, you first." Mulder said, nudging the trenchcoat wearing inspector forward. "What is yer name!" asked the bridge keeper. "Chief Inspector, Jacques Clouseau." "What is yer quest!" "Tew find Yew F Ohs." "What is that?" the bridge keeper wondered. In the next moment the bridge keeper was launched high in the sky, over the bridge. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. "Right! Well, on with it. .shall we. You first m' lady" Arthur said, extending a hand forward to Scully. "No, we'll take the car across." Mulder replied. "Car? By what manner do you travel?" Lancelot questioned. The entire group began galloping on their feet, acting like they were riding invisible horses, towards the car. "Can we ride in it?!" screamed a knight. "No! I'm not riding with that silly Frenchman!" cried another. "I am not silly!" Clouseau answered. "Are too! Yer a slimy, dung-smelling, evil Frenchman!" "All right! All right! You can all get in the car, if you behave!" Mulder ended the conversation and walked to the car. Later. . .after a musical car ride of 99 Grails of Ale on the Wall. . Arrival at Stonehenge. . . The medieval group, headed by King Arthur, was having a mock sword battle around the centuries old monument. "Mulder, why do you think that this has anything to do with the sightings?" Scully asked. "Because, for years, UFOs have been seen in the skies here. There has also been incredible crop circle formations in the surrounding fields." Meanwhile. . Back at the car. . "I want to operate this magical craft." the knight said. "I dew not theenk that weuld be eh gewd idea." Clouseau answered with hesitation. "Come on, just once. Pretty pleeaze, with mutton on top." "Okay, teurn thee key and press gjontlee on thee accelera 'tor." The knight did as instructed, but mashed on the gas, sending the car flying in reverse. "Oh My God, Mulder! The car!" Scully yelled pointing to the careening car that was headed for the historical monument. "Oh, Shit!" Mulder yelled, running to catch the car. "Stop! Stop! Break!Noooooooooooooo!" Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. Mulder slipped on the wet grass, and Scully fell on top of him. Thud! Meanwhile, Arthur and his knights had stopped fighting amongst themselves and were scattering across the field out of the way of the incoming car. "Run Away! Run Away! Run Away!" Lancelot screamed "Ahhhhhhhh!" "Retreat! Retreat!" "The evil Frenchman is trying to kill us!" Mulder, lying face down in the mud, looked up in time to see their government-issued car destroy England's most treasured monument. The two agents, covered in mud, rose to their feet to walk over and survey the damage. "It looks like a pile of dominos, Mulder." Mulder, speechless, fell to his knees at the side of one of the fallen stones. He turned his head and gave Clouseau a look of I'm-going-to-kill-you. Later.. At a small town Mulder decided he needed to get rip roarin drunk. He had managed to squeeze everyone into the battered car to remove all the evidence from the scene. There was no way in hell that he was going to get pinned for that one. he thought, taking another drink of dark ale. Scully sat by his side, quietly thinking. "He meant well, Mulder." "Clouseau means to destroy my career." "Mulder, we'll just keep a closer eye on him." "I'll just kill him." "Mulder, you've had far too much to drink." "Scully, wait till I start emptying kegs." Outside. . . Arthur and his motley group of knights had decided to go shop-to-shop to inquire about the Grail. Clouseau, on the other hand, went to talk to an old man to see if he saw any strange lights in the sky. "'ello, I am Chief Inspector Clouseau, may I talk tew yew for a mo' mont?" "Aye, sure. Take a seat." "Thank yew. Now, I am wondering if yew have seen any Yew F Ohs?" "UFOs? Been to the pub have ya? No, 'aven't seen a thing." "How about allee' ons?" "Nope, none of them either. Let me offer advice, perhaps you should go to the pub. 'ounds like you've been working too hard. Heh, UFOs, you're bloody crazy." Suddenly there was a commotion across the street. It was Lancelot trying to slay a wandering farm goose. Squwak! "Come here, bird! You're our dinner!" Clouseau went to assist. "What are yew dew'ing?" "Help me catch this blasted thing!" Lancelot yelled. Clouseau and the knights began to chase the goose around the street. The goose did not appreciate this, so it made a run at the inspector. "Cut off its head!" screamed a knight. "Say, Ni! It always works! They hate it." cried Arthur. "Ni!" "Ni!" "Ahhh!" Clouseau yelled as the goose got trapped under his trenchcoat. "Its peeking me. Thee vile beast is trying tew keel me!" Mulder and Scully were watching from the pub. "We better go help them." Scully said. "How about we leave the back way and ditch them?" "Mulder, we can't. He's our partner." "Stop scaring me, Scully." The two went outside to help. "Ahh, back yew terr i' ble creature!" Mulder pushed the inspector out of the way and shot the goose six times. The whole town fell quiet. "Well done!" Arthur said. "Mulder, the whole town is giving us the 'evil eye', maybe we ought to leave." Scully suggested. "I think I shot the wrong loony bird." Mulder said, looking at Clouseau and loading another clip in his gun. End Part Two **** Part Three: Next Day. . . In front of Harrods department store London Mulder had managed to get rid of King Arthur and crew, returning them to their quest for the Grail. "What are we doing here, Mulder?" "I wanted to ask some of the store employees what they saw the night of the incident." Inside the store. . Jerry O'Grady was planting a bomb behind a cash register. Accompanying him were two other IRA terrorists. "We've got about five minutes from the timer, Jer. Make it fast." his partner, Liam said. The two agents were questioning a young sales girl near the shoe department, when Clouseau spotted the terrorist and their foul plot. "Behm! Its eh Behm!!" Everyone, including the IRA, turned around, trying to understand what the inspector was saying. "Behm!" Clouseau ran out of the store, followed by the terrorists and the store patrons. Left behind were Mulder and Scully. "Well, do something, Mulder! We're going to die!" "Maybe I want to! This has been the 'Case from Hell'!" Mulder bent down, frantically trying to stop the bomb's timer. Meanwhile outside. . . The stampeding crowd from the store had incited block-wide panic. Hundreds of people were running through the streets seeking cover. Except, Clouseau. He was standing in the middle of the street trying to calm the madness. "Thee situ a 'tion is undair control!" A double-decker bus swerved over the sidewalk to miss him. Mulder had successfully dismantled the 'behm' , when he walked out of the store with Scully. They were greeted by a sight that had resembled the Apocalypse. In the midst of the carnage was Clouseau. The Bible had it all wrong, Mulder thought to himself, Clouseau could single-handedly replace The Four Horsemen. Mulder's phone rang. It was Skinner. "How is the case coming along?" "Don't turn on CNN." Mulder replied to his superior Later. . . A meeting with the Queen Buckingham Palace "I would like to thank you, on behalf of myself and the people of England. Your actions were unselfish and valiant." The three knelt before her as she bestowed honors upon them. The Queen held a sword above their heads while making her decree. "Please kill me." Mulder begged looking up at the matriarch. "Please take me to the Tower and lock me away. I'm insane you know." Scully looked at her partner with horror. "Yeur Majesty, please excewse my friend,. . tew much stress." Clouseau offered. "Indeed!" the Queen replied. "Drown me in the Thames, hang my worthless body from Big Ben. . ." Mulder continued incoherently. "Guards!" Two royal guards came and dragged Mulder out of the palace. The whole time he kept screaming. "God save the Queen! God save all of us from Clou. ." he was cut off as he was carried out of the room. Scully and Clouseau gazed up at the Queen and shrugged their shoulders. Next day. . . HRM Secret Service Lab of Q "Hello. You must be the agents from the US?" Q greeted. "Yes, we are. I am Dana Scully and this is my partner Fox Mulder." "Ah, yes. . .right. I heard about him. And who is the other fellow?" "That is Inspector Clouseau, a French agent, he is working with us." Scully pointed to the Frenchman. "Really? The famous Clouseau. Well, then, I am truly honored. I will have to give you some neat new things I've been working on. Bond tried them out last week, and they worked out splendidly!" Q said, walking over to a table full of spy gadgets. Mulder began to shake every time he got near Clouseau. He now understood why Dreyfus had suffered the same problem. Fox began thinking of ways to send Clouseau back to France. Dead or alive, whatever was easier and not too suspicious. Clouseau was picking up the seemingly normal looking objects. He held each one up trying to see what was so special about them. One particular item was a black umbrella. "Hmm, I wondair what this is fer?" Clouseau quietly talked to himself, struggling with the 'open' mechanism on the umbrella. "Fool ting, oh 'pen." He shook it violently and pointed it towards Mulder. "No don't!" Q yelled. Mulder turned around and dropped what he was holding. His eyes grew wide as a laser jumped out from the end of the umbrella. Fox hit the floor. "What a neat tingy! I cewd use this. Agjont Muldair, are yew thair?" Mulder was still hiding underneath a table, blinking and shaking. Later that night In the sky over London "Mmbeep fohdfr kledtp!" (Ha! Those silly humans think they can catch us!) "Hrfpkh snmprdt mrdhpjr." replied the second alien. (Did you see them destroy the city yesterday, what a riot.) "Don't hurt that one, it's my brother." Samantha added. "Nhsdvgk pjdgty mhdbeifgs?" (I thought you said he was a buttmunch?) "He is, but. . ." "Snmhdry opldrjkp?" (Do you want us to beam him up?) "Nah, he'll make me go to bed early. And he sucks at Stratego." replied Samantha laughing. Meanwhile On the ground. . . "Oh my God, Mulder there it is!" Scully said pointing up to the sky. All of the sudden there was a bright flash of light. When the time warp had passed Clouseau was gone. On board UFO. . "Greetings!" Samantha said. "'ello, leettle girl. Yew look no 'ting like an alee 'on." "I'm not an alien, I'm Samantha. So where do you want to go? Do you like to play Stratego?" Back on ground. . "YeeHa!! Bon Voyage, Clouseau!!!" Mulder waved, jumped up and down, then fell to the ground, rolling with spastic fits of laughter. "Mulder, are you okay?" Scully asked, concerned that her partner may have been traumatized by the abduction event. Four days later Skies over Paris, France. . . "Pair 'fect." "Okay, it was nice meeting you Inspector Clouseau. When you get down there tell my brother, I'm okay." Dreyfus' office . . On Earth. . "I would like thirty dozen roses, a twenty-one gun salute, and jets flying overhead ." Dreyfus was talking to himself, still making out plans for Clouseau's funeral. He figured it would be any day now. His hero Mulder couldn't possibly still be sane. A flash of light filled the office. "'ello Dreyfus!" Clouseau beamed down into the room. "Eh? No! No! It cannot be, Clouseau?!" "That is right! It is I, . . .where yew ex 'pec 'ting an alee 'on!?" Dreyfus ran screaming and blinking from the room. "Wait, I'm going to phewn the F Bee Iy! Dew yew want me tew leave a massage fer yew? FBI headquarters Skinner's office "So the case remains unsolved?" "Yes, Sir. Unless Clouseau returns, we may never know." Scully replied The phone rang. Skinner answered. "It's for you, Mulder." Fox took the phone. "Mulder." "Agjont Muldair!" "No! No!" Mulder began to shake and blink like Dreyfus. "Yes it is Clouseau! I wanted tew tell yew, Samantha said, ''ello'." Mulder dropped the phone "Agjont Muldair? Are yew still thair?" End 3 of 3