The Wizard of Q, by Julia Houston (Homespon@aol.com)


"Vidiians and Sikarans and Borg, oh my!"

Janeway breathes a sigh of relief. They are out of that mean old dark forest at last! She holds her basket tightly in her hands and turns with a bright smile to her new and wonderful friends.

"Am I glad to be out of there!" Tuvok exclaims, his tin body rattling as he shivers with the remains of his fear. 

"You said it!" Paris seconds, his straw-filled knees more wobbly than usual as they all keep walking down the latinum-brick road.

"Ah, let those mean old trees come out here and fight us," Torres snarls as her paws raise up in classic sparring jabs. "I'll strip 'em with one hand tied behind my back!"

The others say nothing to contradict their well-meaning friend, and put their effort into climbing the steep hill ahead of them. Toto (played by Bramble at Jeri Taylor's insistence) barks encouragingly, and Janeway finds her sense of adventure swelling even more as the music begins to play.

"I used to be a captain, commands I'm used to yappin', on our voyage home," Janeway sings. "But now I'm dressed in gingham, and songs, yes! I sing 'em. My fate I can't bemoan."

"I used to be a screw-up," Paris takes over. "My dad he almost threw-up. That old man was so mean. But now I'm such a good guy, saved the ship and proved I can cry. Like Harry Kim I'm squeaky-clean!"

"Logical devotion," Tuvok sings, "negates feeling emotion, but now I've seen the light. I love Janeway, I can feel it! I love Paris, even Neelix! Give me a hug, I'm warm and bright!"

"Curses, I can swear 'em. Engines, I can square 'em. There's nothing I can't fix," trills Torres. "But now I'm a lion, and my frightened act's beliein', there's a Klingon in this mix!"

Janeway croons the last verse, "And now we're tripping lightly, down this path so sprightly, this great land we shall comb. Somewhere o're the rainbow, hit the warp drive, make the ship go! I swear I'll get us home."

Tuvok, "A heart."

Paris, looking at Torres, "A date!"

Torres, looking at Paris, "The nerve!"

Janeway smoothly steps between them, singing, "If the wizard is a wizard who will serve."

They all link arms and sing together, "Soooooooooooo, we're off the see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

And singing and dancing they finally crest the top of the hill, where they stand, gasping in astonishment and delight. There, on the horizon, are the towers of the Emerald City. Running through the field and calling excitedly to each other as Bram -- Toto flies along at their heels, the foursome speeds toward the city of the wizard.

"So, my pretties," Seska cackles, gazing at the sight in her crystal ball. "You think you can reach the city, do you?" Laughing with fiendish sensuality, she strokes the tattooed forehead of her favorite flying monkey as it discretely scratches its behind. She thinks hard. Her eyes flash beneath the green scales of her brow, and she claps her hands as she begins the spell. Instantly, Kazon warriors begin sprouting from the ground, snarling and waving their arms.

"Kazon," Seska purrs. "Kazon will put them to sleep. Honestly, they're the most boring villains Trek has ever come up with. Let's see that spunky pain in the neck get out of this one."

Janeway and the others gape as the Kazons appear around them.

"You are a stupid woman," says one Kazon.

"Oh no!" Janeway exclaims. "That's so tired!"

"Yeah, how cliched can you get?" Torres complains, before her whiskered face is split in a huge yawn.

"I have a warrior's code to live by," says another Kazon.

"Oh, I can't take it," says Janeway, falling to her knees as her eyes close. "Like we haven't seen that done to death with the Klingons."

"I know," Torres says with another yawn as she falls down. "And their ships look like big pieces of cheese."

"What are we going to do?" Tuvok demands of his friend, who stands scratching his straw-filled head as their companions fall deeply asleep.

"Well," Pairs says. "In the novel the mice help us rescue them, but in the movie they wanted to speed things up." He throws his head back and yells loudly, "Hey! Glinda!"

In a ball of white light, her golden crown sparkling in the sun, Kes waves her magic Ocampan wand, and holobabes fall from the skies.

Janeway and Torres twitch a bit, but remain asleep.

"You're gonna have to do better than that!" Paris yells.

Frowning a little, Kes waves her wand again, and Borg fall down next to the holobabes. One Borg is even a holobabe. 

Janeway and Torres twitch some more, almost waking, and Kes throws in a half-dozen wormholes, just a couple '47's (they're really expensive, you know), and the promise of seeing Paris in Picard's old speedos, and Janeway and Torres groggily get to their feet.

Soon, the foursome have left the cluttered field behind and stand at the entrance to the city. After some rather humiliating cow-towing to Neelix and a ride in a wagon pulled by a targ of many colors (and a quick trip to make-up), Janeway, Paris, Tuvok, and Torres (and Toto) are walking down the long green hall to the wizard's chambers.

Once inside the vast room, they gawk at the billows of smoke and gusts of flame as a huge bald head hovers in the center of this strange and awe-inspiring stage.

"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!" says the head.

"I am Dorothy, the small and weak," says Janeway. "And I want to find a way back to Earth."

"And I want a heart," says Tuvok, "or at least...a personality."

"And I want a brain," Paris says. "Although, actually, I'd rather have some Rogaine."

"And I want to know whose idea it was to make me the Cowardly Lion!" Torres snarls.

"I WILL PERHAPS GRANT YOUR REQUESTS," booms the Great and Powerful Oz. "BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO GET ME THE BROOM OF THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST."

"Uh, Wizard?" Paris says apologetically.

"OH, ALL RIGHT," the wizard grumbles. "YOU HAVE TO GET ME THE INTRA-LATERAL HYDRO-BROOMANATOR OF THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST. (stupid tektalk)"

"How are we supposed to do that?" Janeway asks just as Toto runs over to a curtain at the side of the room and pulls it back to reveal an extremely sexy bald man in shorty-short pajamas furiously working at some controls.

"Who's that guy behind the curtain?" Torres asks.

"And why's he wearing pajamas?" Paris puts in.

"PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN IN HIS PAJAMAS!" booms the wizard, though they can plainly see that the man himself is saying the words into a microphone.

"Say, what's going on here?" Janeway demands, her hands on her hips.

The entity watching is suppressing his giggles with difficulty, then feels a sharp stab of annoyance as he becomes aware that the Continuum is calling him.

"Damn it!" he mutters, freezing the "program." He'd just managed to work Picard into the story, too. With a half-unconscious look of longing, he folds up his little universe for the night. 

Whoever would have thought it? he wonders to himself as he prepares to join his omnipotent brethren. Janeway's little boys actually have themselves a good idea in this holonovel thing.