======== Newsgroups: alt.fan.q,alt.startrek.creative.erotica Subject: NEW: The Only Q Who Fell to PropinQuity (parody) From: thegiff@ix.netcom.com(Ruth Gifford) Date: 6 Apr 1996 05:55:02 GMT Speaking of parodies (see my earlier post of my sister's parody of "His Beloved Pet") I actually have one of my own. Recently, Jeanita posted her own take on the "Only Human" genre. For some reason a not-quite-parody came to mind while I was in the shower (don't laugh, that's where I got the idea for "My Fair Jeanne"). I had to write it at once, and having gotten permission (I think) from the three women involved, now I have to post it. The characters are either Parmount's or they bear a resembelence to persons now living. There isn't actually any sex in here, but it's going on a.s.c.e any way. The Only Q Who Fell to PropinQuity A not-quite-parody By Ruth Gifford Jean-Luc Picard sat in his ready room and looked at his former adversary. Q did not look particularly good; the formally omnipotent entity was pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. Normally the most sympathetic of men, Picard couldn't help feeling just a *little* bit smug. Q was terrible at being a Human and only the fact that he had put his life on the line for Picard and the Enterprise made Picard willing to put up with him. And that was the best way to describe it, for Q whined. Picard detested whining; it was one of the reasons he didn't like children. It was also irritating in the extreme to have to put up with someone bitching about being Human. After all, Picard had been Human for over 60 years and he didn't complain about it. At least not too much, although there was that problem of untimely erections . . . but that's another story. Picard sighed. "Q, what the hell am I supposed to do with you now?" "Kill me?" Q asked hopefully. "Don't tempt me," Picard replied dryly. God, the thought *was* tempting. How many times had he literally wanted to kill Q? *About as many times as you've wanted him to fuck you,* the bluntly rude side of his brain replied. He sighed again. "Even if I were really serious, your colleague or whatever he is would only revive you. A mortal lifetime, excluding suicide. Quite the sentence; Beverly tells me you're in your late forties. You could have another 60 or 70 years in you." "Sure, go ahead, be like them," Q muttered. "Kick Q while he's down." "And why not?" Picard snapped, abandoning his vaunted patience. "You practically made me crawl to save my ship from the Borg. I should be able to get in a kick or two." "Oh this is intolerable!" Q suddenly snapped. He stood up and as if by magic the paleness drained away from his skin and the bags under his eyes packed themselves up and left. "I thought this was a stupid idea, and *they* didn't listen to me!" Picard stared at him in dumbfounded amazement. All of a sudden he could *feel* Q's presence again, that odd twitchy feeling that he had felt once or twice during lightning storms. He'd also felt it around Q. "I will *not* put up with this any more." Q looked at the ceiling and continued. "A good way to learn about them my ass! You fucking want to learn about them that way, you damn well do it yourself." Noticing Picard staring at him, Q glared from his superior height at the startled Captain. "And you . . . you . . . no can't use 'obtuse piece of flotsam' yet . . that's a seventh season line . . . you . . . you . . . fucking, pompous, pin head . . . You want to crawl . . . I can make you crawl . . . no can't use that either . . . that's some of that dreadful GiffStein story." He whirled and glared at Picard's couch. Picard couldn't help but turn to see what Q was looking at. There were three women sitting there, and he was relatively sure that they hadn't been there a moment ago. "As for *you three*!" Q seemed to almost shake in his irritation. "I will not be 'Only Human' for your amusement. Just get a life . . .no can't use that either, Shatner has dibs on it . . . why are all the good lines taken?!" The four Humans in the room stared at him. "Oh this has gone far enough, too far in fact! I'm getting the hell out of here." He raised his hand, fingers poised to snap, and then glared at the women. "And tell those annoying friends of yours that *I don't keep pets!* It's hell on the furniture." With that he disappeared in a flash of light. "Uhhh . . . Captain?" one of the women asked. Picard looked at her. "Um . . . how are we going to get home?" ***///*** She sat bolt upright in bed. *Just a dream, that's all. Just a dream.* As she headed into the bathroom for a drink of water, there was a faint, familiar reflection in the darkened mirror. "Was it?" a soft voice asked. The End? *************************************************************** "This is not my idea of a good time This is not my idea of a good time This is not my idea of a good time This is not my idea" "Not My Idea" Garbage -- ****************** Ruth Gifford "I can laugh or I can turn away Well I've seen sex and I think it's okay" "Creatures of Love" Talking Heads