From netcom.com!csus.edu!zephyr.water.ca.gov!swanee.water.ca.gov!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Tue Nov 14 16:18:04 1995 Xref: netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:30907 Path: netcom.com!csus.edu!zephyr.water.ca.gov!swanee.water.ca.gov!news.ucdavis.edu!agate!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: New Story: "The Captain's Loss" VOY 1/6 Date: 10 Nov 1995 08:41:25 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 127 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <47vkq5$knh@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com Here's a new one -- a little different from the others. Please let me know what you think of it; I respond well to constructive criticism! As always, the characters herein belong exclusively to Paramount, and what I do with them belongs to me. JT The Captain's Loss Part 1 By: Jaeti The Vulcan Tuvok, Chief Security officer aboard the starship Voyager, walked into the transporter room. As he had surmised, the room was empty. The transporter chief had finished sending whatever crew was going to the planet below, and it would be hours yet before they would return. Tuvok placed a computer disc on the console, and set the controls. He walked to the platform and, after a breath of hesitation, stepped onto to one of the glowing rings. Within seconds, his form dissolved in a shimmer of sparkles. Far away, on a distant planet in the Alpha quadrant, a Vulcan woman began to scream. ******* The last of the reports was written and filed, the crew had been informed, and the ship was once more underway. Captain Kathryn Janeway sat in her ready room staring out at nothing -- an untouched and tepid cup of coffee on the desk in front of her. The door had chimed three times by the time it registered. "Come in", she said finally, and the door opened to admit Chakotay, her first officer. "Captain, the shift is ending, and I thought you might want help going through Tuvok's things." Janeway shot a grateful look over to him, and stood up. "You're right about that, Commander. I owe it to Tuvok to be the one to do this, but I'm not ready to face the task alone." The two officers walked across the Bridge, and entered the turbolift together. "I still can't believe he's gone," Janeway said softly, and Chakotay nodded his assent. The two days since they had discovered Tuvok's absence had been full of these moments of disbelief -- moments when he had looked over to the Vulcan's station expecting his presence, moments when he forgot that Tuvok would never stand there again. The ship had been orbiting Latonia 3 -- a planet rich in edible plant life. While Neelix had directed the gathering of the fruits and vegetables, Janeway had approved shore leave for all off-duty personnel. When the transporter chief had returned to his station to beam up the first shore leave parties, he had found the console on, and set to coordinates for the space beyond their orbit. On the console had been a communicator badge, and a computer disc. Janeway had played that disc over and over, and she knew that the images it contained were burned into her brain for the rest of her days. Tuvok, knowing that his time of Pon Farr was approaching, had decided that his most logical course of action was to end his life. Because bonded Vulcans need to be with their mates at that time or die, his only other option would have been to sever his bond of 57 years to T'Pel and choose a new mate. The procedure to break a bond this long-standing was delicate even with the a Vulcan Healer on board -- without one, the dangers to himself and to T'Pel were great. He had decided that, to protect her and to keep his children from the risk of losing both parents, he would take his own life. Although that too would cause her pain, it was one that the Healers on Vulcan would be well-equipped to deal with. "Logical to the end ..." Janeway murmured, and her eyes filled with the tears that came so easily these past forty-eight hours. Chakotay looked over at her, then gently squeezed her shoulder. Tuvok's death had been a shock to them all -- even to him, and Tuvok had not been one of his favorite people. But the shock to Janeway was the worst -- Tuvok had been her friend for many years ... perhaps the only friend she had on Voyager. He could only imagine her grief -- she had, as usual, concealed much of her pain from the crew, although the ravaged look in her eyes was testament to her lack of sleep. They entered the Vulcan's quarters together, and Chakotay could not help but notice that the spartan rooms left little of the person Tuvok had been. A meditation space in one corner, and a workstation in the other, with the sleeping quarters to the back. Of course, like Chakotay, Tuvok had arrived on this ship with very few personal possessions. However, unlike Chakotay, Tuvok had done little to make his quarters more personal and home-like. Janeway had moved to the desk, and had opened the top drawer. It was empty except for a two envelopes, and a note which read, "Please take these to Captain Janeway." None of the other desk drawers had anything in them. Chakotay, who had moved to the bureau, found that to be empty as well. "He even cleaned out his own quarters, " Janeway said - her voice tight. "Oh God, Chakotay, how is it that I didn't notice what was going on? How could I have been so blind? Why didn't he come to me?" This last was almost whispered as she stood at the desk, with one hand holding the envelopes and the other gripping the chair for support. In two strides, Chakotay was beside her. He put one hand over hers, and put the other lightly on her shoulder. That was Janeway's undoing, and she shook with reaction. Seeing this, he threw protocol to the wind and wrapped her in his arms holding her tightly. "He was my friend, Chakotay, I thought he knew how much I cared. There has been so little time lately, so much to get done. But I thought he had known me for long enough that he would at least come to me with a problem this big -- at least give me the chance to see if there were any other options." "Perhaps he felt there weren't any other options," Chakotay tried to reassure her. In a blaze of fury, she pulled away from him. "Damn you, there are always other options. There had to be another way. But he didn't even let me try ..." and the fury was gone, to be replaced with racking sobs. Chakotay moved back to hold her again, as she cried out her anger and her grief. He too was furious at Tuvok -- for not gauging how much this would hurt her, how alone she would be without his friendship, how much she would blame herself for his death. As his hands moved over her back, soothing her, her despair brought him to the brink of tears as well. Her pain was so raw -- and he was helpless before it. Finally, she quieted, and moved away from him. Looking down at the envelopes in her hand, she swallowed, then straightened her shoulders, and visibly put on her Captain posture. "I'll look at these in my quarters -- I want to get out of here." "Shall I come with you?" he asked, uncertain of what she needed from him. "No," she said sharply, then softer, "No, I need to be alone. We'll have to meet tomorrow though, to discuss .... to discuss candidates for Security Chief." They walked together to her door, and he bid her good-night. "Commander, " he turned back to her, "Thanks for the company -- and the shoulder." He gave a quick nod, and she entered her quarters and the door closed behind her. JT "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katherine Hepburn From netcom.com!ix.netcom.com!howland.reston.ans.net!news-e1a.megaweb.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Tue Nov 14 16:18:27 1995 Xref: netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:30875 Path: netcom.com!ix.netcom.com!howland.reston.ans.net!news-e1a.megaweb.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: New Story: "The Captain's Loss" VOY 2/6 Date: 10 Nov 1995 09:05:25 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 162 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <47vm75$lcv@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com The Captain's Loss, Part 2 By: Jaeti Same disclaimers, etc. as the parts. Janeway took a long shower, and changed into her nightgown and robe. The envelopes sat on the table -- unopened -- but never out of her thoughts. Finally, she knew that she could put it off no longer, and she opened the one that was addressed to her. Inside, was a computer disc, and a small medallion. Holding it brought another rush of tears to her eyes -- it was the one she had given to Tuvok a few years ago. Her thoughts flew back ..... "Here. If you're going to insist on becoming a Maquis spy, the least I can do is send something to keep you safe," and she handed him a small box. With one eyebrow slightly raised, he opened the lid and stared down at the small gold medal inside. He then looked back at her, and after years of practice, she was able to read the glimmer of amusement in his dark eyes. "It is illogical to assume that a medal of an ancient Celtic goddess is going to be able to - as you say - keep me safe." She laughed softly. "I know, I know. But since I can't give you a tiny phaser or a portable transporter, this will have to do. It would please me if you would wear it -- and who knows? People have had faith in the gods for centuries -- it certainly can't hurt to ask for their protection." He had shaken his head in mock despair at her illogic, but he had worn the medal. She wasn't sure if it had been the intervention of the gods, or more probably, her own tenacity in the rescue attempt, but he had survived the mission. Only to die in the space she had condemned them to ..... Janeway shook her head - she was not going to let her thoughts move in these circles again. Resolutely, she sat down at her computer and inserted the disc. Tuvok's face filled the screen. "Captain Janeway, by the time you see this, I will be gone. I know that you probably don't understand why I've taken this step. I hope that someday, you will be able to accept my decision. I ask that you keep the other disc for T'Pel. When you get back to Federation space, please give it to her. It will mean much to her if you will be able to do this and to tell her of how I spent my last days." He paused for a moment, and his image gazed at her. Finally, he spoke again. "We have known each other for many years, and we have shared much. I have been proud to serve under your command, and proud to call you my friend. It is because of that friendship that I could not share my intentions with you. Although I know that my decision is the most logical one, it would have been -- difficult -- for me to act upon that logic had I seen for myself the hurt that this will cause you. For the sake of my wife, and my children, this is a step that I must take. Please, Kathryn, forgive me for the pain you feel." And with that, the screen went dark, and Janeway put her head on the desk and sobbed. In the weeks that followed, Janeway managed to run the ship during the day, and deal with her feelings by night. Although she felt as though she was operating in a fog, none of the crew seemed to notice that there was anything different about her. None, except Chakotay. There were times, at the end of a staff meeting, or if they met on the turbolift, that he looked at though he wanted to say something -- to reach out to her on a more personal level. But she always turned away, or started a conversation about something trivial, and he never pursued it. Janeway knew that Tuvok's death, and the manner of that death, had affected her on a fundamental level. She needed time to heal, and time to understand, and she needed to do that alone. Someday, when she was able, she would have to thank Chakotay for understanding; for letting her alone even while he was letting her know he was there for her if she needed him. The new Chief of Security was Lieutenant Goldberg, who been one of Chakotay's officers. When they had met to discuss the post, he had been a natural choice. He, like Chakotay, had also left Starfleet to join the Maquis, and Tuvok had often spoken highly of the man's abilities and charisma. It was a tribute to the melding of these two crews that there had been no grumbling and many (subdued) congratulations when he had been appointed. Since that time, the Security department had run smoothly. Although Janeway still had days when she would turn and expect to see Tuvok, those days were fewer, and the momentary shock no longer brought tears to hastily blink away. Her evenings -- her evenings were spent in a variety of ways, dictated by her moods. Most nights, she spent in her quarters -- reading, writing, listening to music, and thinking. The loss of Tuvok had brought her contemplative side to the fore, and she gave it full rein. There were, however, some nights when she longed for company - for contact with the people she commanded ... the people she cared about. So she would go to Sandrine's, or to the mess hall, and listen to the interactions around her. Occasionally, she would join in, but most of the time she was content to observe -- as Tuvok had observed while he had been with them. She had often been amazed at the insights he had been able to gain this way, so since she no longer had his counsel, she had adopted his techniques. It was because of these observations that she called Neelix to her Ready Room one morning, about six weeks after Tuvok's death. As the self appointed "morale officer" she knew that he made a real effort to gauge the emotions of the crew, and she was learning to value his counsel. "Mr. Neelix," she began, "I have noticed a certain restlessness among the crew lately. Tempers are flaring, holodeck use is way up, and people seem to be using replicator rations at an alarming rate. Do you know if there is any particular reason for this?" The chubby Talaxian laced his fingers together and looked at her earnestly. "Well, Captain, I have actually been trying to find that out myself. I've noticed a certain - recalcitrance among the crew myself lately. Why, Ensign Demara, who normally loves my Robla'tya stew actually threw the bowl at me the other day!" He shook his head in disbelief that anyone would so mistreat his cooking. "Well, after that incident, you can be sure I've been investigating. I have my ways, Captain, of discovering what people are thinking or feeling." He shrugged modestly. "People are always willing to confide in me, to tell me their most intimate thoughts, their deepest fears ...." Janeway interrupted the loquacious alien before he got too far along in an oft-repeated (and almost endless) monologue. "Mr. Neelix, I know that people talk to you. But tell me, what have you learned?" The Talaxian was almost comical in his confusion and dejection. "Why, nothing Captain. No one can name any specific incident or cause of this mood among the crew. Everyone's feeling "off", but no one can put a finger on why." Janeway tapped a finger on the desk -- lost in thought. Then .... "Shore leave," ... she said, and at Neelix' inquiring look," The crew needs some time off the ship - time to relax, get some sun, get away from responsibilities. We've been traveling for almost two years now and have only taken a few days planetside. They need a vacation, Neelix. Do you know of any planets in any neighboring system where we could 'visit' for a week or two? A place with a civilization that can offer some recreation, and who would welcome visitors?" It didn't take long for Neelix to come up with the Tamarians -- and after his enthusiastic descriptions of the people and their planet, Janeway ordered the helm to change course for Tamaria and announced the news to a happy crew. Tamaria proved to be perfect for their purposes -- cosmopolitan cities, and miles of unspoiled natural landscape. The citizens were friendly without being intrusive, and, with one exception, shore leave for the crew occurred without incident. Chakotay and Janeway also managed some time on the planet -- trading watches so that the ship was never without one of her two senior officers. Chakotay had benefited from the experience -- seeking out recreation for his body and his spirit with equal abandonment. The twinkle was back in his eyes, and Janeway was annoyed that she had been too preoccupied with her own grief to notice that it had been missing. "Chakotay to Janeway," her com badge beeped. "Janeway here." "Captain, the last of the shore leave parties has beamed aboard and we are ready to leave orbit." "Thank you, Commander. Any other 'incidents' to report?" She could hear the smile in Chakotay's voice as he replied. "No, Captain, Ensign Potran was the only crew member to be 'adopted' by the Tremarians. After seeing the rituals he had to follow for the past week, the rest of the crew followed orders regarding gifts." Janeway smiled as well. The unfortunate ensign had not taken Neelix' warnings about the Tremarians seriously. Although they were a gracious and hospitable people, they had a cultural taboo against being beholden to anyone. So when Ensign Potran had given a beautiful Tremarian girl a piece of jewelry, her family had insisted to the High Counsel that he be given a gift in return -- adoption into their clan. This, in and of itself, was not a problem, but the week-long ritual of fasting and prayer was not how the ensign had planned to spend his long-awaited vacation. She came out of these musings to the realization that Chakotay had been speaking, and she hadn't heard a word of the question he had asked. "I'm sorry, Commander, could you repeat that?" "I just asked if you would be joining us at Sandrine's tonight. We're going to share shore-leave stories. "No thanks, I'm a little tired tonight. Give my regrets to the others." "Of course, Captain -- we'll miss you. Chakotay out." JT "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katherine Hepburn From netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Tue Nov 14 16:18:51 1995 Xref: netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:30918 Path: netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: New Story: "The Captain's Loss" VOY 3/6 Date: 10 Nov 1995 09:19:06 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 148 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <47vn0q$lm1@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com The Captain's Loss Part 3 By: Jaeti Same disclaimers, etc. as the other parts Janeway settled back into the sofa with a sigh. She hadn't exactly been truthful with her second-in-command, but she knew that she couldn't face Sandrine's tonight - or the sight of her happy, well-rested crew. It seemed that the only one who had not benefited from the leisure time was Janeway herself. She had beamed down to the planet full of resolve to enjoy herself, and had returned as tense as before. Although she had known that Voyager was in Chakotay's more-than-capable hands, she had been unable to lose herself in the beauty surrounding her. Even as she sampled exotic foods, took long walks on craggy shorelines, or flirted lightly with the Tremarian Pro-Counsel who had taken a fancy to her, she had been unable to shed her responsibilities and relax. The loss of Tuvok still weighed heavily upon her. While aboard Voyager, she was able to lose herself in the myriad of details involved in running a starship, but once away from those responsibilities, she had once again been flooded with feelings of grief and helplessness. Janeway had been a captain too long not to recognize the danger signals her body was beginning to send her. She needed to come to terms with these feelings, she needed to lay down her burden of command for a time, to let her mind and her body re-fuel. And yet, unlike every other time in her career when she had reached this point, she was unable to do so. She was responsible for this ship and this crew, and if she didn't find a way to dissolve some of her own tension, she would soon be a liability rather than an asset. "Well, at least you're willing to acknowledge the problem -- that's a start." Janeway spun around to gape at the stranger who was now seated on the sofa beside her. "Who the hell are you, and how did you get in here?" The young woman smiled mischievously. "I am .... well, you can call me Mary Sue. And as to how I got here, I'm a member of the Q continuum." She snapped her fingers and a trumpet fanfare sounded. Janeway stood, and regarded her visitor with astonishment. "Mary ..... Sue ..... Q?" she queried, and bit back an chuckle at the name. But the woman only grinned back at her. "Not my real name, of course. But over the years, it's been ascribed to me so many times that I feel comfortable with it. Besides, the absurdity appeals to me. However, I'm not here to play rhyming games, dear Captain. I'm here because you need a vacation, and I can provide one. Shall we go?" And she held out her hand to the startled Captain. "We most certainly shall *not* go," Janeway retorted. "I know something of your race and how you see us. Whatever would make you think that I would willingly leave my ship for god-knows where with you?" Mary Sue shook her head ruefully. "So, the stories of my 'uncle's' antics with the Enterprise have even reached you? He really is harmless you know - just doesn't know when to quit." "Harmless!" Now Janeway's face flushed with anger. "It was not harmless when he brought the Borg to rip through our system. Thousands dies during those battles .... we lost friends, families ...." Mary Sue reached over and stopped her. When she spoke, her voice had lost its teasing edge. "That was a terrible time, I know. But believe me, the Borg would have come to you even without Q's intervention. The fact that your Federation was aware of the Borg is what allowed you to ultimately triumph." She shook her head as if to dispel the mood and then brightened. "But that's not why I'm here. I have been watching your ship -- monitoring your progress. You are an excellent Commander, and your crew is thriving as well as can be expected in these conditions. But you need to get away and re-group. I can take you to see wonders you've only imagined, or take you someplace quiet and still. It's your choice." "Can you take us home?" Janeway asked suddenly, with hope in her voice. Mary Sue looked down for a moment, and then up into Janeway's eyes. "No, I can't." "You mean, you won't." Janeway snapped. "That's right, Captain, I won't." And now it was the other woman's turn to be angry. "You have no concept of time streams and their fragile nature. From this day forward, there are hundreds of thousands of possible futures for this ship and for your precious Federation. Many of these futures are bright -- where you all make great evolutionary strides. None of these bright futures will occur if you return from this quadrant under anything but your own power or your own discoveries." Janeway studied the angry young woman and believed her. Her own anger left, and she slumped back down on the sofa. "Very well, I'll accept what you say as truth. But I can't leave the ship to go gallivanting off with you -- even if I know that I'm at less than my best." Mary Sue sat down beside her. "Captain, you're still thinking with your limits instead of with my omnipotence. You and I will be off of this ship for a total of 5 minutes - no matter how long we spend on another plane. Time is irrelevant to me, and to you when you are with me." Janeway surprised herself by considering the offer. It would be wonderful to take the time she needed to heal, and not worry about what was happening while she was gone. She allowed her fancy to roam for a moment -- picturing the wonders she would be able to see. Then, regretfully, she made her decision. "Your offer is very tempting, but I will have to decline. I don't know you, or your motives. What I do know is that my ship and my crew need me. I can't take the risk that your offer is less altruistic than you claim." Mary Sue stood, and power radiated from her slight form. "You do realize that I could force you to accompany me." Janeway also stood and faced her squarely. "I know that you could. But you must also know that, if you do, our time together will be anything but relaxing." Mary Sue took a deep breath, and shrugged. "Very well, my dear Captain. I did say it was your choice. If you ever change your mind ......" Janeway smiled. "I do appreciate the thought ... thank you." And, as suddenly as she had come, Mary Sue was gone. Janeway decided to give truth to her lie to Chakotay, and have an early night. The routine chores of preparing for bed soothed her, and by the time she lay down and dimmed the lights, she was calm enough for sleep. She closed her eyes, and began to dream. She was sitting on the saucer of Voyager, watching the stars stream by. The view from the outside of the ship was stunning, awe-inspiring. Somehow, she wasn't surprised to turn and see Mary Sue, knees drawn to chin, sitting beside her. "You are a stubborn woman, Kathryn Janeway, but I am more stubborn. Since you won't come with me in reality, I decided to invade your dreams. Will you welcome this respite at least?" Janeway hesitated for only a moment, then mirrored Mary Sue's shrug of earlier. The omnipotent being had not forced her this evening -- and what could possibly be risky about traveling in her dreams? "How can I resist you in my sleep?" she said, and was rewarded by a brilliant smile from the other woman. "But I must ask a favor -- I can't keep calling you Mary Sue .... it's just too ridiculous. Will you tell me your name?" The other woman sat for the longest time, and finally took a deep breath. "My name .... my name is Amanda. And once, I thought I was as human as you are." Janeway was not really surprised at this information. She had read the classified file on the young girl who had been aboard the Enterprise when she discovered that she was, in actuality, a Q. Amanda had finally agreed to accept her heritage and had left the Enterprise. No one had heard from her since .... not until now. She had forgotten that Mary S ..... Amanda was telepathic until the woman smiled. "No one *knows* that they have heard from me, but believe me Captain, I have been around." "Stop that!" Janeway said sharply. Amanda looked utterly surprised at her tone. "I mean, stay out of my mind -- I don't like the fact that you can know my thoughts." Amanda looked perplexed for a moment, then relaxed. "Forgive me, Captain. Among the Q, thoughts are not kept private. I had almost forgotten that, as a human, you wouldn't appreciate my presence in your mind. I give you my word -- I will not read your thoughts again unless you allow it." Janeway relaxed the muscles that she hadn't even been aware of tightening, and both women stared out at the stars again --- spending an eternity marveling at the wondrous view. Finally though, Janeway could contain her curiosity no longer. "So tell me, Amanda, what have you been doing for the last few years?" Amanda laughed softly. "It may have been a few years in your time-stream Captain, but for me -- it's been closer to a century. I told you -- time has a very different meaning when you are immortal. And as for what I've been doing, well, that's a long story and better told someplace else. Shall we go?" Janeway's eyes sparkled, and she took Amanda's outstretched hand. "By all means, let's go explore the universe. But before we go, please, call me Kathryn. If I'm going to entrust you with my dreams, we'd better be on a first-name basis!" And the stars around Voyager sparkled as if in harmony with their smiles as they disappeared in a flash of light. JT "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katherine Hepburn From netcom.com!ix.netcom.com!howland.reston.ans.net!newsjunkie.ans.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Tue Nov 14 16:19:05 1995 Xref: netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:30877 Path: netcom.com!ix.netcom.com!howland.reston.ans.net!newsjunkie.ans.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: New Story: The Captain's Loss VOY 4/6 Date: 10 Nov 1995 09:40:28 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 162 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <47vo8s$m44@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com The Captain's Loss Part 4 By: Jaeti Same disclaimers, etc. as the other parts Janeway sat on a mountain -- the highest one she had ever seen. The world spread below her -- a carpet of brilliant colors. The air on this planet was heady -- like a fine Earth wine, rich and intoxicating. She and Amanda had been to places of incredible beauty -- from planets where rainbows danced in the skies, to the corona of a star. She had felt humbled before the awe-inspiring vistas of the universe, and power-filled as she danced to the songs made by the spinning of planets around a distant sun. They had finally come here, to this world which was as yet uninhabited, to rest and to talk. Amanda reached out to Janeway -- holding a cluster of fruit that looked like grapes. Janeway took one and put it in her mouth. The taste exploded on her tongue -- sweet, cold, and spicy. "What on earth are these?" Amanda laughed. "Oh, nothing on Earth, of course. They grow on a world of light and ice -- taking their nourishment from the very air around them. Would you like to see?" And she made to take Janeway's hand again. "No .... please". Janeway stopped her. "My mind is so full of all we have seen and done, more would just be wasted on me. Come, let's sit and talk awhile." And Amanda did as Janeway had asked and they sat together on the soft grass. "So," Janeway broke the silence. "Now I insist you tell me what you've been doing since you left the Enterprise. And also, I've got to know why you introduced yourself as Mary Sue." Amanda giggled. "Now that's a story -- okay, you asked for it. When I left to join the Q, I was what - 18 of your years old? Now although the Q mature physically at the same rate as humans, our minds and ... libidos ... grow much more slowly. When I left the Enterprise, I had a 'crush' on Will Riker." Janeway couldn't help it -- she snickered. "I know, I know. Not the best specimen that humanity has to offer. But you have to remember Kathryn, according to the growth cycle of the Q, I was only a child at the time -- and he does have a certain charm." Kathryn's eyes gleamed at the memory of the one time she had met Will Riker and he had tried his charm on her. When he refused to believe that she wasn't going to fall in his arms, she emphasized her point by dropping her drink in his lap. They hadn't really gotten along well after that -- she had been glad that their paths hadn't crossed often. She looked over at Amanda just in time to catch her grin and Janeway frowned. "Now, I promised not to go into your mind, and I wasn't. But you were thinking awfully *loud* and I won't apologize for listening when you shout your thoughts. I was just imagining his chagrin -- he's not used to taking 'no' for an answer." Kathryn relaxed again, and prodded Amanda for more. "Imagine if you will, beginning adolescence as a Q. I had been raised human, so my body still reacted as a human -- only I was powerful enough to act out my fantasies. I had to be careful to avoid people and times where I could make any change to the time-stream, but I did manage some -- shall we say -- erotic adventures with people that I had only been able to read about or dream about." Kathryn settled back more comfortably. "So come on, woman, don't stop now. I assume that this 'dream' your engineering will last as long as we want it to ..." Amanda nodded, "...so we have plenty of time. Tell me some stories." And Amanda, blushing slightly, did as she was asked. "It all started with Kirk." "Jim Kirk?" Kathryn's eyes widened. "Why his reputation with women was ...." "....well deserved, " Amanda finished for her. "I spent some time watching him -- he had a lot of the same charm as Will Riker, but unlike Will, he truly liked women -- and not just for what they could do for him. When he was with a woman, all of his attention was focused on her. It's just that no woman could hold him for long -- he was too restless to ever settle down with someone when the universe beckoned." Amanda smiled fondly at the memory. "Anyway, I studied him until I knew the kind of female that attracted him, and then I became that woman. I came onto his ship as Ensign Mary Sue Johnson, and, through a series of events that I created, managed to save the Enterprise from certain destruction. Of course, I did it without looking too powerful, just lucky. Anyway, he was so grateful, that seducing him was easy. We spent a wonderful couple of weeks together, and then just when he would have begun to get restless, I contracted a terrible disease and 'died' -- looking quite beautiful I may add." Amanda flashed a picture of her death scene into Janeway's mind -- Kirk in his grief (secretly relieved that she was reduced to an icon he could mourn rather than a real flesh and blood woman that he would have to deal with), and "Mary Sue" looking impossibly lovely in death. Amanda and Kathryn began to laugh together -- Janeway so hard that the tears rolled down her face. "Oh gods, I haven't laughed like that in weeks," Janeway finally regained control of herself. "However did you manage to do all of that with a straight face?" Amanda shrugged. "Well, at the time, I was caught up in the pathos of the situation myself." Here, she put one hand to her breast and another to her forehead. "He was .... my first ..... my only love." And her wicked look sent Janeway into gales of laughter again. Finally, the laughter subsided, and Amanda resumed her narrative. "After that, Mary Sue conquered the hearts - and bodies - of people all over the universe. I was a bold adventuress for Jean-Luc Picard, an intellectual for Christopher Pike, a noble Romulan soldier for this fascinating Romulan commander .... " as she named each incarnation of "Mary Sue", Amanda transformed herself before Janeway's eyes "... a warrior princess for Will Riker (at the last minute, I spurned him, by the way), and of course, a Vulcan priestess for Mr. Spock. That was one of my greatest triumphs. Of course I had to induce Pon Farr ...." Amanda broke off suddenly, reverting back to her 'true' image. At the look of utter loss on Janeway's face, Amanda gave a cry and fell down before her friend. "Oh Kathryn, I'm so sorry. How insensitive of me. We were having so much fun that I forgot for a moment ...." Janeway reached out and patted her shoulder absently. "It's okay, Amanda. I should be resigned to Tuvok's death by now. It's just that ..... I can't seem to let go of him. No, more properly, I can't seem to let go of my own guilt. I should have known, I should have done something." Amanda sat down in front of Janeway, and gripped the Captain's cold hands, warming them in her own. "Kathryn, Tuvok chose his own path. If it was not the path you would have chosen for him, you have to accept that." "But how can I accept it?" Janeway returned the pressure on Amanda's hands, then moved away hugging herself. "He was my friend - we had been through so much together. He had given me counsel so many times .... he could be so wise. And yet, there were times when he would come to me; wanting my advice. We had different strengths, Tuvok and I, and when one of us was stumped for a solution, the other could usually find one. This time, he didn't trust me enough to ask my help ...." Amanda pulled Kathryn's arms away from her body and held her. After a moment, Kathryn relaxed and gave in to her need to be comforted. "You need to talk this one out, my friend. This time, the answers are not inside of you. Or rather, they are, but you need some help to find them. Tell me about Tuvok -- obviously, I didn't know him well." Kathryn smiled sadly. "I don't think many people did. They confused reserve with coldness, and precision with arrogance. I don't think I'll ever forget the first time I saw him ..." Lieutenant Kathryn Janeway stormed into the sitting room of the student apartment she held at Star Fleet Academy and threw herself into a chair. She heard the shower running in the bathroom, and she knew that the occupant must be David Alexander -- also a Lieutenant Commander -- and one of her roomates. If it had been Alanna in the shower, there would have been a trail of clothes leading to the door. Kathryn was glad it was David -- he was used to her temper, and would appreciate the reason for it. Alanna was nice enough, but since she wasn't in Command school, she could only make sympathetic noises. Right now, she needed to rant -- and David was the perfect sounding board. "Alexander ....." she shouted, "....you're clean enough. Come out here -- you'll never believe what that bitch Nechayev is doing to me now." As the water stopped running, Kathryn kept shouting and began pacing. "She has been putting roadblocks in my way ever since I decided to move over to the command track. First, I needed to come back to the Academy for additional courses -- which, let me remind you, I aced. Then, I needed command experience, so she sent me out with that moron Jellico and I learned to say "yes sir, and no sir" -- and that's about it. How that man ever got to be a Lieutenant Commander is beyond me .... and now I hear he'll make Captain. Now she's putting me on a ship under Paris. He's a dinosaur *and* he expects everyone to be perfect. I've seen his first officer -- I'm sure they get along just fine because she's as logical as a Vulcan but I'm not ....." Kathryn turned as the bathroom door opened to reveal a well-built Vulcan male wearing a towel and a quizzical expression. She stood in shock for a moment, then sputtered, "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bathroom?" The Vulcan raised one eyebrow and, using a more modulated tone of voice echoed back, "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my living room?" Janeway, with a sick feeling in her stomach, looked around her for the first time. The student apartments all had the same layout and furnishings, but now she saw that the room was clear of clutter, and missing the "homey" touches that she and her roomates had added. She looked back at the Vulcan, who hadn't moved from the bathroom door, but stood regarding her silently. "Um .... I guess I owe you an apology. I wasn't thinking clearly -- I must have gotten off at the wrong floor." He nodded, but said nothing else as, stammering another apology, Kathryn left the apartment. JT "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katherine Hepburn From netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!cs.utexas.edu!usc!math.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!sdd.hp.com!frankensun.altair.com!simtel!news.kei.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Tue Nov 14 16:19:13 1995 Xref: netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:30865 Path: netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!cs.utexas.edu!usc!math.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!sdd.hp.com!frankensun.altair.com!simtel!news.kei.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: New Story: "The Captain's Loss" VOY 5/6 Date: 10 Nov 1995 09:59:53 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 145 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <47vpd9$mdo@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com The Captain's Loss Part 5 By: Jaeti Same disclaimers, etc. as the other parts. Kathryn felt Amanda shaking with silent laughter and she could only shake her head ruefully. It seemed a long time since she had been that fiery young Lieutenant .... gods she had been furious that day. Later that night, she had sent an apology note to the "half-naked Vulcan on the third floor." David and Alanna had been horrified, "You don't tease a Vulcan, Kathryn -- he'll just be offended!" But somehow, she had known that he would appreciate the humor of the situation, and she had been right. They had met the next week in the lift, and impulsively, she had invited him to dinner. Over a meal at a nearby restaurant, they had talked far into the night. Tuvok had told her of his family, and of his years teaching at the Vulcan Science Academy. He had decided to change careers as he had not found teaching to be enough of a challenge. So he had applied and been accepted to Star Fleet Academy -- the oldest Cadet on record. He spoke of his wife, and their three young children, and of the fourth, a daughter this time, who was due in four months. Kathryn told him of her decision to switch to the command track. She had loved her work on the science vessel Copernicus, but science, though a passion of hers, could not be her life's work. She was not happy spending hours in a lab, she wanted to work with people. She had found herself watching her commanders, and learning from them; formulating her own beliefs about how to lead others. The conversation wasn't always heavy, they laughed a lot ..... well, she did anyway. And by the end of the night, both knew they had made a friend. The next ten years had brought a lot of changes, and they were often on opposite ends of the quadrant. But through subspace mail, and visits whenever they could, they built upon the foundation of that first dinner together. Kathryn had visited with his family on Vulcan, and he had been the first person she called when she finally received her own ship. They had been so glad to be serving together, and then came the undercover assignment for Tuvok, the Caretaker, and the Delta Quadrant. It had seemed that there was no longer time for the dinners, the long conversations, the easy time that being with an old friend could bring. She had spent so much time getting to know her new First Officer, and the new crew members. Whenever she realized how little time she had spent with Tuvok, she had rationalized it by reminding herself that they had the next 75 years together. And then, because of his suicide, they were suddenly out of time. Kathryn fell silent then, drained. Amanda stayed quiet for a few minutes, and then spoke. "Kathryn, it's obvious that you knew Tuvok -- knew how he felt and how he thought. Don't you think that the same was true for him?" Janeway sat up and looked at her, not knowing where this was leading. "I think ..." Amanda said, "I think he was trying to spare you. Tuvok was making a decision that he knew would be hard for you. Even after all of these weeks of thought, you are having a hard time accepting his death. It would have been so much harder for you if you were there -- and unable to stop him." Janeway looked up at Amanda -- and in her eyes was comprehension. "You were watching, weren't you? You were watching and you had to let him ....." Janeway couldn't go on. Amanda looked at her for a long moment, and then said softly -- so softly that Kathryn had to strain to hear. "Yes, I was watching and I let him die. His decision was not made lightly, and he felt no despair. He was at peace with his choice, and it was *his* choice, Kathryn, and neither you nor I have the right to take that from him." Janeway looked at Amanda, and saw the sorrow in her face - in her eyes. And suddenly, the two women were in each others' arms -- the human and the omnipotent mourning their helplessness in this situation. They grieved together -- and finally, finally, Janeway let go of her guilt, and her anger at Tuvok. He had chosen death rather than cause untold agony to his wife and children. Even if she had been with him, she would not have been able to change his mind. The sorrow was still there -- would probably always be there. But she no longer felt the guilt that had been on its way to paralyzing her. "Still ...." Janeway pulled away and smiled a watery smile. "I still wish I could have said good-bye." Amanda looked thoughtful for a moment, then spoke suddenly. "Kathryn, may I step into your mind for a moment?" Janeway nodded -- she had already shared some of her deepest feelings with her new friend, and she knew Amanda would not ask without a reason. Amanda frowned for a quick moment, and then said, "Yes, you do understand how it was. I can trust you not to corrupt the time stream. Kathryn, would you really like to say good-bye to your friend?" Janeway caught her breath for a moment, then shook her head. "No, Amanda, but thank you. I have said 'good-bye' in my dreams before -- I don't need to do it again." At that, a look of - was it fear? - flitted across Amanda's face and then was gone. "Kathryn, I've lied to you. You aren't asleep on Voyager, you are here with me. I knew that you needed this catharsis, and I didn't know any other way to get you to leave with me. I'm sorry." Janeway studied Amanda's face, her eyes. She couldn't even summon up the anger that she should have been feeling. Amanda had made the right choice, and Janeway was able to admit. "You did the right thing. I feel better than I've felt in weeks. I don't know how I would have managed on my own." Amanda let out the breath she had been holding in anticipation of Kathryn's anger. "So, my offer stands. Would you like to say good-bye?" Janeway nodded slowly. "Yes .... yes I think I would. If he has to die, I don't want him to die alone. Can you arrange that?" Amanda stood up smartly, and her bearing was suddenly regal. "My dear young woman," (Janeway started suddenly -- she had forgotten how 'old' Amanda really was), "I am a Q. Your wish is my command." And Janeway vanished from the mountain to reappear in the transporter room aboard Voyager. Tuvok walked to the transporter platform, then hesitated. The room was no longer empty. He turned to the console to see Kathryn Janeway watching him steadily. "Captain!" His voice sounded as astonished as she could ever remember hearing it. "I thought you were in your ready room ....." and his voice died away as she came and put a hand on his arm. "Tuvok, I am in my ready room. I am also here. Thanks to a good friend I have been able to come and say good-bye." His shoulders relaxed as he realized that she was not going to bombard him with emotional reasons why he should not take this step. And, to be honest, he was gratified that she was there. The death he had planned for himself while painless, would have been a lonely one. And there was something else. No Vulcan, if s/he could help it, died alone. Perhaps she would be willing to accept ..... "Kathryn," he stopped, and then made himself go on. "This is the only way for me and I thank you for your acceptance. I would ask you to consider accepting one more thing. When we die, Vulcans have the ability to transfer their essence into another so that this essence - or 'katra'- may be returned to Vulcan. Would you allow me to meld with you so I can accomplish this? It was the one thing I .... regretted .... in my plan." Janeway nodded. Although she had no idea what this entailed, she had come to be with him at this time, and she would give him anything he wanted from her. At her nod, he stepped over to her. "It will be better if we are seated -- the mind-meld can be a rather overwhelming experience the first time it is shared." For want of a better place, they sat down together on the floor in front of the console. Tuvok placed his hand on Janeway's face, spreading his fingers to touch her lightly. For a moment, she was startled. He rarely touched her, and this light touch on her face was surprisingly intimate. He leaned closer to her and spoke ritualistically, but she didn't even hear the words. She was filled with the oddest sensation, a tickling at the back of her brain. And then, suddenly, he was there in her thoughts, reading the love she had felt for him, and her sorrow at his death. He, in turn, allowed her to see the love he had never been able to express in words, and his knowledge that, despite her sorrow (and his), this was his best choice. They sat together for what felt like hours -- reveling in this sharing of the other. Finally, regretfully, he began to pull away, but not without a sudden "burst" of him that filled her mind, until he gently enfolded it behind a barrier where it waited -- allowing her to remember this experience, and yet to allow her to live without his 'katra' impeding her in any way. They drew slowly apart, and he moved to the transporter. There was nothing left to say, it had all been said in the intimacy of that mind-to-mind contact. With her mind still full of his caring, Janeway was able to watch as he stepped onto the platform and turned to look into her eyes. The platform automatically engaged as he stepped on it -- and her eyes filled as he disappeared from her sight. JT "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katherine Hepburn From netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!news.inc.net!news.uoregon.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!brutus.bright.net!chi-news.cic.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Tue Nov 14 16:19:49 1995 Xref: netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:30927 Path: netcom.com!noc.netcom.net!news.sprintlink.net!news.inc.net!news.uoregon.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!brutus.bright.net!chi-news.cic.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: New Story: "The Captain's Loss" VOY 6/6 Date: 10 Nov 1995 10:08:18 -0500 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 68 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <47vpt2$mlv@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: jaeti@aol.com (Jaeti) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com The Captain's Loss - Part 6 By: Jaeti The familiar flash of light, and she was back in her quarters. The wonder of the mind-meld still filled her thoughts, and her face was wet with tears. "Computer, what is the time?" She was not really surprised to discover that she had been gone for exactly 5 minutes. "Checking up on me, Kathryn?" Janeway turned to see Amanda curled on the sofa in much the same position as the first time she had appeared. Her smile was warm, and Janeway knew she wasn't really annoyed. Crossing over to the sofa, she sat down, touching Amanda lightly on the back of the hand. "Thank you," she said simply. Amanda squeezed her hand and stood up -- obviously preparing to leave. Janeway made as if to stop her, and then realized that Amanda was right -- they had shared all that was necessary for now. But perhaps, there would be other days. Remembering Amanda's words earlier, she held that thought as long as she could. Amanda smile grew even brighter, and then she laughed. "Oh yes, Kathryn. We may meet again someday. Be wary if you ever meet an alien named Mary Sue" ..... and with that, she vanished. Kathryn walked over to the table where the medallion had rested since she had first opened the envelope that contained it. Pulling a thin chain from a drawer, she slipped the medallion on it, and tucked it into her uniform so that it rested near her heart. Walking over to the window, she gazed out -- fancying that Tuvok was now a part of the sky and the stars. Somewhere, deep inside her, was the knowledge that she carried his essence in her mind. Someday, she would get back to Vulcan and bring him home. For now, though, she had learned how precious time was -- and how important it was to use it well. She put her hand to her com badge. "Janeway to Chakotay." "Chakotay here -- I thought you were retiring, Captain." She hesitated, then said, "I find that I'm not so tired after all Commander. Mind if I join you all at Sandrine's?" "Why no, Captain, we would be happy to have you come. You sound ..... different. Is everything okay?" She thought for a moment, remembering all that had transpired. Then, she said, "Yes, Chakotay. I think everything's okay now. Tell you what, after Sandrine's, I'll treat you to coffee - and a shore leave story you will never forget." And as the stars watched from the window, she left to join her crew. The End "Be ahead of all parting, as though it already were behind you, like the winter that has just gone by. For among these winters there is one so endlessly winter that only by wintering through it will your heart survive..." from "The Sonnets to Orpheus", Rainer Maria Rilke Just a few notes on this story. Tuvok's death is not a story I wanted to tell -- I do like the character. But the image of a possible way for him to handle Pon Farr gripped me and wouldn't let go. Of course, Mary Sue has her own claim to fame, and lately Amanda keeps pushing herself into everything I write. Many thanks to those who read and commented during the incarnations of this story, Barb, Kit, Bonnie, and of course, Michelle. This tale would be less than it is if not for your input. JT "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Katherine Hepburn