From thompson@gnatnet.net Mon Feb 17 14:01:59 1997
From: "Sforzie" <thompson@gnatnet.net>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: NEW:PARO:VOY: "Redi-Q-lus" by: Sforzie
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 17:01:59 -0500
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Here are a few things you might need to know if you’re just joining the
series.  You should probably go read the others so you understand, but
here goes: Janeway and Chakotay are hooked up, Torres and Paris are hooked
up too, Janeway killed Neelix, and Kes is hooked up with Kim.  Tuvok is
now known as Tuvie, because he’s gay (in both ways) and his boyfriend is
Paco.  Tuvie and Janeway and Torres and Kes sometimes like to go clothes
shopping together.  The new cook and morale dude is Markos.

DISCLAIMER: Paramount is God.  They own everything to Voyager, except for
the cool stuff that I have added.

Star Trek: Voyager =/\= : The Happy Face Generation
Episode 11: Another “Redi-Q-lus” Title (Redi-Q-lus)
By: Sforzie

Cast O’ Characters:

&:) Janeway
“:) Chakotay
}:) Torres
$:) Paris
*:) Kes
V:) Kim
>:) Tuvie
P:) Paco
^:) Markos
(:| The Doc
Guest Starring: S:) Q (and his cool hair doo)


Scene 1

<Its a nice calm (sorta) day on board the Party Cruise Ship, er, I mean
Starship Voyager.  Janeway and Chakotay are playing Parcheesi, and Paris
is trying to pilot the ship with his nose.  Its a pretty normal day...>
&:) Your roll ~~ Janeway
$:( Ow. ~~ Paris
“:) Three spaces ~~ Chakotay
$:O OW! Dammit. ~~ Paris
&:) My roll ~~ Janeway
$:@ AAH! ~~ Paris
&:o Mr. Paris, do you have a problem? ~~ Janeway
$:o I tink I turt by toes ~~ Paris
“:o Huh? ~~ Chakotay
>:) He said he thinks he hurt his nose ~~ Tuvie
&:o Oh.  How’s that? ~~ Janeway
$:o I was piliting the ship ~~ Paris
&:o What do you think we’ve got autopilot for? ~~ Janeway
$:o In case I hurt myself? ~~ Paris
&:) Then maybe you should turn it on ~~ Janeway
$:o Good idea.  Can I go to Sickbay? ~~ Paris
&:) Sure, poor little baby.  Maybe we should get Torres down here to kiss
you and make it all better ~~ Janeway 
$:| She’s too busy kissing the warp core ~~ Paris
&:\ Just go! ~~ Janeway

Scene 2

<In Sickbay.>
(:| Ready? ~~ Doc
*:) Yep. ~~ Kes
(:| Okay.  One... Two... THREE! ~~ Doc
$:@ AAAARGH! ~~ Paris
*:) Hee hee hee, that was fun ~~ Kes
$:( I tink you juss made it wirse ~~ Paris
*:) Shut up ~~ Kes
(:) We’ll just give him a nose cast ~~ Doc
<Later.>
$:^( I feel sooooo stupid ~~ Paris
}:) You look stupid too Tom.  Just what the hell were you doing? ~~ Torres
$:^| Piloting the ship ~~ Paris
}:o With your nose? ~~ Torres
$:^( Yeah ~~ Paris
S:) Boy, do you look stupid ~~ Q
$:^( Aw, no.... ~~ Paris
}:| Great.  The only guy in the universe who really is a walking hormone
~~ Torres
S:) I don’t have to walk sweetie ~~ Q
}:| The only hormone in the universe who can snap his fingers and... ~~
Torres
S:| We get your point ~~ Q
}:) The only hormone in the universe whose ass it would be fun to kick...
~~ Torres
S:O I’m goin’, I’m goin’... ~~ Q

Scene 3

<On the bridge.  Janeway is taking her beauty nap, and Chakotay is looking
around on the floor for his pet lint.>
S:o Oh aren’t you people just so intelligent. ~~ Q
&8) Zzzzz ~~ Janeway
“:( Where did I put that thing? ~~ Chakotay
S:| Great.  You guys won’t even acknowledge my awesome presence. ~~ Q
>:| Shut, I’m trying to watch Chakotay bend over ~~ Tuvie
&8@ I heard that! ~~ Janeway, still really asleep
<Q walks over to Janeway.>
S:) Wake up Kathy dear, I’ve got a surprise for you... ~~ Q
&8o <Snort.> Huh?  Wha? ~~ Janeway
S:D Wake up! ~~ Q <Janeway wakes up, pulls off mask.>
&:@
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!! ~~
Janeway
“:) Cool, a three liner ~~ Chakotay, still looking for lint
S:| Aren’t you glad to see me? ~~ Q
&:O Why the hell would I be glad to see you? ~~ Janeway
S:( Aw, you hurt my feelings. ~~ Q
&:O What damn feelings?!  You woke me up!  How nice is that?! ~~ Janeway
S:) I know you’re trying to get your beauty rest, but you’re lovely enough
already ~~ Q <This gets a smile from Janeway, but Tuvie makes gagging
motions in the background.>
>:o Booo!  Hiss!  Lame-o! ~~ Tuvie
S:O Shut up, will ya? ~~ Q
&:O Don’t you yell at her! ~~ Janeway
>:( I need a hug. ~~ Tuvie (she gets a hug from Paco, who is always
nearby)
&:o Why don’t you go down to the mess hall and have a cookie Tuvie. ~~
Janeway
>:| (Sniffs) Okay.  But it better be oatmeal raisin ~~ Tuvie
&:) Whatever you want.  Markos will get you all the cookies you need ~~
Janeway
<Tuvie exits, along with Paco.>
&:O Now look at what you did Q!! ~~ Janeway
S:o Why should I care about the nonexistant feelings of a gay Vulcan
crossdresser?  She has a boyfriend that can take care of her ~~ Q
&:O Well, it’s still not nice!! ~~ Janeway
“:O Yeah ~~ Chakotay
S:O Shut up Nature Boy! ~~ Q
&:O Q!  Get lost!  Scram! ~~ Janeway
S:o I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want me here ~~ Q
<Janeway growls.>
S:o Ooh, how very Klingon of you.  Are you gonna bite me and throw heavy
objects too? ~~ Q
&:| Only Torres does that ~~ Janeway
S:| Oh yeah, I forgot. ~~ Q
&>:o Well? ~~ Janeway
S:o Oh, yeah, you wanted me to leave ~~ Q
&:@ Well aren’t you going to? ~~ Janeway
S:O I’m thinking, don’t rush me! ~~ Q
“:o Oh brother ~~ Chakotay
&:O Well, while we wait for Mister Omnipotent Pig over there to make a
decision, are you up for a capiccino Chakotay? ~~ Janeway
S:) A capiccino Chakotay, what’s that? ~~ Q
&:O This is not your conversation Q! ~~ Janeway
“:o I’m not sure if that is wise, captain ~~ Chakotay
&:o Why not? ~~ Janeway
“:o Don’t you remember what happened when you had too much coffee last
time? ~~ Chakotay
&:) Yeah.  But cappiccino has more sugar ~~ Janeway
“:) We could use this to our advantage... ~~ Chakotay
&:) Cappiccino then? ~~ Janeway
“:) Yeah. ~~ Chakotay

Scene 4

<The mess hall.  They are drinking cappiccinos, and, as is usual with
Janeway and her man, they’ve drunk just a few too many...>
&:O It needs more foam! ~~ Janeway
^:o But captain, if you put any more foam in it, there won’t be any room
for the coffee and flavorings ~ Markos
&:O Then use a bigger mug! ~~ Janeway
>:) Bravo on the logic dearie ~~ Tuvie, watching the show from nearby,
surrounded by cookies
^:) Bigger mug it is ~~ Markos
“:) Isn’t it time to quit drinking this? ~~ Chakotay
&:) I agree.  New flavor! ~~ Janeway
“:D Irish creme ~~ Chakotay <Tuvie starts giggling.>
&:) Hmm, Irish creme Chakotay? ~~ Janeway <Tuvie bursts out laughing.>
“:| Um, yes? ~~ Chakotay
&:D And just what sort of Irish creme were you making reference to? ~~
Janeway
<Tuvie is rolling, along with Torres, who has just gotten the joke.>
“:) Um... cappaccino? ~~ Chakotay
&:) Are you sure? ~~ Janeway
S:o You really are such a slut Kathy ~~ Q
&:O Q, get lost! ~~ Janeway
S:| Damn. ~~ Q
}:) I guess Q doesn’t know that cappaccino makes the Captain horny. ~~
Torres
>:o Doesn’t coffee too? ~~ Tuvie
}:) Yes, but with cappaccino it takes fewer pots ~~ Torres
>:o Ah... ~~ Tuvie
}:) One of the few things... ~~ Torres <They continue laughing on the
floor.>
<Janeway is nearly sitting in Chakotay’s lap, making rude gestures at Q.>
S:o Ooh, good one ~~ Q
&:O Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! ~~
Janeway
“:) Oooh, slam. ~~ Chakotay, pulling her into his lap.  Janeway wraps her
arms around Chakotay’s neck
&:D And you are a lower life form than a coffee plant! ~~ Janeway
S:* That’s not saying much since you worship the coffee plants in the
hydroponics bay.... oh.  I see, are you saying that you don’t worship *me*
anymore? ~~ Q
&:) Never did ~~ Janeway
}:O And to kill you would put dishonor upon my family! ~~ Torres
&:O Yeah! ~~ Janeway
“:O You suck! ~~ Chakotay
>:O Pig! ~~ Tuvie, throwing a cookie at Q
S:@ You people are crazy! ~~ Q
%:o Um, sir? ~~ little Ensign Squatty
S:o Yes? ~~ Q
%:o Could you move a little to the left?  You’re moving out of the shot ~~
Squatty
S:o Um, yes <moves to the left.> What shot? ~~ Q
&:o He’s making a video to send home to his parents ~~ Janeway
S:o That has to be the dumbest things I’ve heard yet ~~ Q
&:O Well it’s the truth! ~~ Janeway
S:o Fine. ~~ Q
%:o Could you say hi to mi mum? ~~ Squatty
S:o If I have to. <Janeway growls again.  Q turns to the ensign’s
videocamera.> Hello ensign Squatty’s mother. ~~ Q
%:) Thank you. ~~ Squatty
<Janeway goes up to the camera.>
&:o Could you go now Squatty? ~~ Janeway
%:o Oh.  Yeah ma’am. ~~ Squatty scuttles off 
S:o Where was I? ~~ Q
“:o Saying that we’re crazy. ~~ Chakotay
S:o Oh, yes. ~~ Q
&:o Well? ~~ Janeway
S:@ You people are crazy!  I’m going to go harrass Picard! ~~ Q, vanishes.
&:) Thank the gods he’s gone. ~~ Janeway
“:o He’s too annoying ~~ Chakotay. <Janeway pats his knee, reaching for
her really big cappaccino mug.>
&:) Now where were we? <Sip cappaccino.> I thought I said more foam! ~~
Janeway
^:O I’m getting it, I’m getting it! ~~ Markos

Scene 5

<Back on the Bridge.  Janeway is sitting in her chair, an interavenous
coffee line running into her arm.  She’s fidgeting.>
“:o Is something wrong? ~~ Chakotay
&:o My coffee’s a bit cold. ~~ Janeway, gestures to the coffee pump 
“:) I’ll get someone to fetch some fresh coffee.  PARIS!! ~~ Chakotay
$:^o Yes sir? ~~ Paris
“:O Go get some more coffee for the Captain!  And make it hot! ~~ Chakotay
$:^) Yes sir! ~~ Paris, runs off the bridge 
<A few minutes pass, then Paris returns.  He’s holding the coffee
container with thermal mitts.>
&:o Hook it up. ~~ Janeway
$:^o Maybe you should let it.... ~~ Paris
&:o I said HOOK IT UP! ~~ Janeway
$:^\ Yes Ma’am! ~~ Paris, hooks up the coffee
<A few seconds pass.>
&:@
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHH
HHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~ Janeway
<She shoulda seen that one coming.>

END EPISODE 11


"If you had a brain, you'd be dangerous." 
-the REAL Susan Thompson