Star Trek: The Next Generation Parody "Q-Scared" Scene 1: Bridge of the Starship Enterprise Picard: Captain's Log: Stardate 479... Hold on a second. [The Captain runs into his quarters and puts his pajamas on]. [In the corridor] Troi: If you thought that was stimulating, you should try... [Picard runs out of his quarters]. Picard: What is the stardate?? What is the stardate?! Worf: Stardate 47911. Picard: 47911. 47911. Okay, thanks. [He enters his quarters, emerges in his uniform and returns to the bridge.] Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 47911 point... Hold on. Riker: Four, sir. Picard: Okay, thank you. Captain's Log, Stardate 47911.4. The Enterprise has finished its fire drill and is proceeding to Starbase... Data: 220, sir. [Turbolift opens. Dr. Crusher runs onto the bridge.] Crusher: I know what the problem is, sir. We're not getting enough REM. That's why no one is dreaming except Troi!! That's it! Picard: Make it so, Mr. Worf. [Worf growls, but adjusts the viewscreen. A rock band pops up and starts to play.] Picard: Will that do, Doctor? Crusher: Just fine. Put this on all the viewscreens. Picard [shouting]: What?! Crusher: Put this on all the viewscreens! Picard: OH! [Crusher leaves the bridge]. Worf: We are picking up a Romulan Scout Ship on sensors. Picard: Hail it. Worf: Sir, we already have a ride-- the Enterprise. Why should we hail the scout ship? Picard: I mean contact them. Worf: That might damage the Enterprise... Picard: Send a message!!! Worf: I, sir. Picard: You what? Worf [ignores Picard]: Audio only. Admiral Jarrok: This is .. Sub Commander .. of .. Romulu.... I ... am. .defecting....Federation......We.......asylum....being persecuted. [transmission breaks up]. Picard: Beam him over immediately! [Worf shines a flashlight at the viewscreen] Picard: STOP THAT!!! USE THE TRANSPORTER!!! Worf: I, sir. Picard: You what? [Admiral Jarrok materializes on the bridge.] Jarrok: I'm hungry! Get me some food! Picard: Wesley, bring the Sub-Cmdr. to Nine-Forward. Wesley: Aye, sir. Scene 2: Nine-Forward Guinan: We don't serve Romulans here. Jarrok: What am I going to eat? Wesley: I guess you'll have to eat the Main Defector Dish. Jarrok: Where's that? Wesley: Next to the Buzzard Collectors. Jarrok: Where are they? Wesley: Next to the Cattle Bridge. Jarrok: Where's that? Wesley: On Deck 8. Jarrok: Where's that? Wesley shrugs his shoulders. Wesley: I'll give you this to hold you over [pulls out Romulan ale] Jarrok: What is that? Wesley: It is....[opens bottle and smells]...It is...It is blue. Jarrok: Okay. You know I used to live near the River T'Pean, but now I'll never see it again... all for my daughter... Wesley: Sir, I have to return to duty. Jarrok: Aye, can't a man get any attention? Scene 3: The Bridge Picard: Set course for Risa, and... engage. Wesley looks befuddled. Picard: Step on it! Wesley: Step on what? Picard: Push that button. Wesley: Sir, that button is for my hands, not for my feet. Picard: Well, push it with your hands then! Wesley: They're too big! Picard: Get off my bridge!!! Wesley: See ya! [Wesley returns to his quarters to get his stimulating holodeck program, and then goes to engineering] Wesley: Chief Engineer, have I got something for you! [Geordi leaves Soon in charge] Wesley: Assistant Chief Engineer, watch this! I'll keep an eye on things for you. ACE: Okay. Thanks. Wesley: Give me control of the engineering section. Computer: Authorization required. Wesley: Authorization theta sigma gamma alpha beta gamma phi omega gamma alpha beta nine six three four. Computer: Unauthorized soroity name, separating ship. Riker [in engineering]: What's happening? Q appears. Q: I'm so scared! What's going to happen next! Oh it's you reading this stupid story. Why don't you go find a Talaxian or something? What's your excuse? Q disappears. Scene 4: Bridge of Flying Saucer Section Worf: Sir, a Borg ship approaching. Picard: Fire! Worf: I, sir. Picard: You what? [Fires at Borg ship] Picard: Fire! [Fires again] Worf: Shields down to 42%. Data: That's actually 42.342348234823% on the aft shields, 42.2329% on the forward shields... Picard: Shut up, Data. Worf: We're going to blow up soon. Picard: Fire at will!! [Worf starts firing at engineering section] Picard: Not at Will, at the Borg ship! Worf: You just said fire at Will! Picard: Can't you read? There's a difference between will and Will! [Worf is utterly perplexed]. Scene 5: Engineering Wesley: There's a girl who's caught in the trash compactors, sir. What shall I do? Shall I just let her die or something? Riker [annoyed]: Wesley Crusher! Wesley: Okay, adjusting trash compactor to highest speed. I did what you said. Riker: What?? I said your name! Wesley: No, you didn't. You said, "Wesley, crush her." Riker: I did too say your name! Wesley: Fine. Whatever you say. Riker: I gotta go to the bathroom. [Starts to leave, then realizes that the only bathroom on the ship is off the bridge] Oh, @#$%! Q appears. Q: I'm so wracked with fear! I want to go home! Oh, you're still here? You still haven't finished reading this nonsense? Well, may as well have some fun while I'm here-- Q disappears. Riker: I really gotta go. [Gets in turbolift] Riker: Bridge. [Turbolift shoots up into space] Worf: Sensors are reading a... [pauses in confusion] turbolift being ejected from the engineering section. Picard: Life form readings? Worf: One human and nine ounces of a bio-organic substance. Picard: No-are there any books on life forms? Data: Starfleet Archives lists over nine hundred thousand separate treatises on the subject of life forms. However, there are none in my memory banks involving life forms in an ejected turbolift car. Troi: Captain! It's Will! Beam him aboard!!! [Worf shines a flashlight at the viewscreen] Picard: WORF!!!! Worf: Yes, sir? Picard: Put that darn thing away!! O'Brien: O'Brien to Bridge. Something strange has just happened. One moment I was saving Deep Space Nine from utter destruction - and now... sir, Riker is standing on the transporter pad. His pants appear to be wet in some way. Riker [from transporter]: Ah, sir. Picard: Welcome back, Riker. Riker: It was good to go. [Chekov walks onto the bridge.] Chekov: Keptin- I think you forgot about the Borg wessel on the wadar. Picard: Data- get out the "What Happens When Another Idiot from the Enterprise NCC 1701 walks Onto your Ship" manual. Data: Okay. Let's see. Ah, here it is. Lists of members we have encountered. Picard: Add McCoy, Scotty, Kirk, Spock, who else... yes. Check off Chekov. Chekov: That was not wery funny, Keptin. Picard: By the way, what is a "wessel"? Chekov: A sheep! A sheep! Picard: The only time we ever had sheep on our vessel was in that episode where those Irish came on. Now get off my sheep! Chekov: Yes, Keptin. Data: Keptin.. I mean Captain- the Borg wessel- I mean vessel has disappeared! Picard: What?! Data: Captain, the ship has re-connected! Picard: What?! Data: Captain, Wesley Crusher has just appeared in the brig! Picard: What?! Data: Captain, The Sub-Commander is gone! Picard: What?! Data: Captain, there is a pink elephant on sensors! Picard: What?! Data: Just wanted to see if you were listeneing. Picard: What?! Data: Are you all right, sir? Picard: What?! Data: You're messing up the script, Captain! Picard: Oh, thank you Mister Donut- I mean Mr. Data. I'll be in my ready room. [walks into his ready room.where else?] Picard: Tea, Earl Gray, [ready room chimes] Picard: Come. Riker: I've been having difficulty controlling my- Computer: Input more data to food dispenser. Riker: Right back, Captain. [Riker returns with Data] Picard: Over here, Data. [Picard shoves Data into dispenser] [Tea materializes] [Picard takes tea] Picard: Yes, Riker? What did you want? [Subtitles appear] Riker: Yo no hablo espa¤ol, ¨verdad? I don't speak Spanish, right? Picard: ¨Perdon? Excuse me? Riker: ­Oh no! ­Nosotros somos en Espa¤a! Oh no! We're in Spain! Picard: ¨Esta es por que tu boca no es tu cuando tu hablas? That is why your mouth is not with you when you speak? Riker: Yo no se. I don't know. Picard: Yo voy. I go. [El.. I mean He walks onto the bridge] Troi: ¨Donde es Data? Where is Data? Picard: En la dispensore. In the food dispenser. Troi: ¨­ Que ?! What?! Troi: ¨Por que no somos nosotros hablando en ingl‚s? Why are we not speaking in English? Picard: Data. Data. Troi: ­AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I WANT TO SPEAK ENGLISH!!! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! I want to speak English! Picard: You just did, Counselor. You just did, Counselor. Troi: Oh. So I did. Oh. So I did. Picard: Au revoir! Goodbye! Troi: [grumbles] [Some time later, on the bridge] Picard: The U.S.S. Shipwhatelse is arriving in this sector for a rendezvous. Troi: No more French, or Spanish, Captain. Worf: Sensors have detected a Federation ship on sensors! It is the U.S.S. Shipwhatelse. I recommend we go to Red Alert, activate weapons and prepare for battle. This could be a trap. Picard: I think that we could check first, Worf. Worf: Grrrrrrrr. Very well, sir. Picard: Hail the ship. Worf: Sir, I'm not sure but precipitation may not affect the ship. Picard: No, Worf. Push that little button on your console and communicate with the ship. Worf: I am a Klingon. I need no consolations. Picard: WORF?!?!?!?! Worf: But what if it's an ancient Iconian probe and they infect our computer?!!?! Picard: They won't, Mr. Worf. Just contact them. Captain Captainwhatelse: Captain, we have found your first officer to be incompetent. I want him on our ship right now. Picard: Okay, Captain. Worf, beam WITH THE TRANSPORTERS Commander Riker to the other ship. Worf: I, sir. Picard: You what? Worf: The transfer is complete. Picard: And now for a new first officer... Worf: I think I am the next logical choice, Captain. Picard: No, I want Marisa. Worf: What? Picard: When I got caught in the turbolift, Marisa was my first officer. I want her back. Picard: Better yet, replace the environmental station with the radish station and get the chief specialist in radishes up here to replace Data. [Q appears] Q: I'm terrified!! I'm so incredibly terrified!!! Wait. STOP READING THIS DUMB STORY!!!! [Q disappears] Picard: Did you know that one of my ancestors killed a Native American? [Troi begins to laugh and falls over] Worf: Look, the fall of Troi!! LaForge: Urgent Message from Starfleet. We are to proceed to Farpoint Station immediately. Picard: Again?? LaForge: We are to watch the reuniting of the space creatures again. Picard: Okay, but this could make a good training film... [Last scene: They have arrived at Farpoint] Picard: It's so amazing. Picard: Let's see what's out there. Troi: Captain!! Picard: No, I mean in space. Picard: Engage. Wesley: To whom? Picard: Not me, that's for sure. [Enterprise floats gracefully out of Federation territory, into the Neutral Zone and is blasted away by Tomalak and returned to Romulus, where its broken hull is displayed in the main square. Meanwhile, Picard is playing his flute and gets caught in a nexus.] If you didn't like this one as much as the first one, or thought I like to copy, or didn't read the first one, or have any comments whatsoever, just e-mail Jadsky@aol.com and I'll be sure to address your concerns in Parody 3: Ascent. # Name Downloads (as of 12/95) Parody 1: Star Trek: The Generation After That 300+ Parody 2: Star Trek: Q-Scared 1+ Parody 3: Star Trek: The Fully Clothed Then 0 Parody 4: Star Trek: ??????????? 0 Also try Star Trek: Drifter slated for upload sometime soon by one of my dear friends. (I think)