10 Q Ideas We Passed Up by Ermaq and Queria Below is a descriptive list of ten high concept Q ideas we seriously considered writing before good taste finally prevailed. 1) A Bicycle Built for Q-- As a test, Q enters himself and Picard in the twentieth century Tour de France where Picard must avoid changing history by interfering with the lives of his ancestors. (We still might write this one if people annoy us too much.) 2) Ice Ice Q-- The Enterprise falls into a deadly danger from which even Q might not be able to save them when they encounter another member of the Q Continuum, the rapper Ice-Qube. But not even we could stomach writing the lyrics to "Ice Ice Q", so we shelved this one. 3) Q-Tip-- A Ferengi gets hold of Q's foreskin (detached without Q's knowledge in Deja Q), which gives him the Q powers. Q and the crew of the Enterprise must regain control of Q's errant member before the entire Federation is turned into gold-pressed latinum. Passed up for obvious reasons. 4) Ultra Slim Q-- Q turns everyone on the Enterprise fat, except for Lieutenant Barclay, for reasons left unexplained. 5) Q-pie Doll-- Q shows up on the Enterprise as a beautiful blonde of slightly ludicrous endowments who seduces Picard, Riker, Geordi, Data, Worf and Troi (don't ask)... Other titles considered: "Barbie-Q", "Q-tie", and "Fuh-Q". 6) Who Asked Q?-- A party on the Enterprise is interrupted by the unexpected arrival of Q, who claims to have been invited by a memeber of the Enterprise, but declines to say who. Suspicions and paranoia escalate into a bloodbath before the culprit is finally revealed. Another title considered: "It Had To Be Q". 7) Q Card-- Q challenges the crew of the Enterprise to a game of Old Maid with all of the Federation at stake. 8) XYZ PD Q-- Q annoys all the men on the Enterprise by teleporting in front of them and pulling their flies down. Shelved when we realized regulation Starfleet outfits are not equipped with zipper flies. 9) Without a Q-- This story doesn't actually have Q in it, but the title was too good to pass up. Actually, its original title was "Gentlemen Prefer Troi" (See "10 Story Ideas Where Troi Gets Laid That We Passed Up".) 10) Moo Q-- Q shows up looking like an Amish guy and transforms Troi into a cow to feed a colony of interstellar Amish people. Actually, this wasn't our idea-- somebody sent it to Paramount, and we cheerfully ripped it off. NEXT ISSUE: Was Elvis a Q? The Frightening Similarities Super Wesley Dates Amanda The Q by Alara Rogers (This originally came from a silly thread on the respective powers of Wesley, the Traveler and Q...) Super Wes has just finished up his class on multi- planar geometrics, so the Traveler gives him the weekend off. "What to do?" Wes wonders. He could go to the Enterprise, but he doesn't wanna deal with Bev telling him to wear his galoshes. So he decides to hang out around the Q Continuum. Unknown to him, Super Amanda (the girl from True Q, for those who don't remember) has just finished up *her* class on Elemental Transmogrification and Costuming for Fun and Annoyance, and she's got the weekend off too. The two of them see each other, and well, when you've got two super evolved human teenagers who used to want to go into Starfleet until a superbeing showed them their true potential, nature's gonna take its course. After all, it's been at least four years since Wesley last had an energy being girlfriend, and all the other Q are too old for Mandy baby. So they decide to go out for some sodas and watch the supernova in the Ketauras cluster. One thing leads to another, and soon they're dating pretty hot and heavy. Their families and friends have mixed reactions about this: Picard: Wesley, I certainly respect your decision, but please consider. Do you realize that if I marry your mother, and you marry Amanda, I'll end up being *related* to *Q?* Beverly: I'm very happy for you, Wesley. Amanda's a lovely girl and I think you'll be very good for each other. By the way, I have this patient dying of a completely unknown disease that I can't cure, and I was wondering if your girlfriend could... Guinan: All I can advise you is to go with what your heart tells you, Wesley. But I have to warn you that in all my experience, I never heard of anything good coming from dating a Q. They're arrogant, they're immature, they steal all the sheets and they leave the cap off the toothpaste. I'd be careful if I were you. Q: I don't be-*lieve* this. Bad enough you're dating a *human*-- I could handle that; some humans aren't completely useless. I mean, I could understand your thing for Riker-- hey, I admit I had a thing for him myself before he grew that bush on his face. (And you don't tell him that, by the way. It would only make him insecure.) But you're dating *"Weasley" Wesley Crusher?* Puh-*lease!* (sigh) I suppose it's only to be expected. Your natural father was a complete loser, so I suppose you're attracted to complete losers. It runs in the blood. Your mother would have done better with *me*, but no. "I'm going to run off with Q and pretend to be human, and we're going to get *married*!" Bleah. Pardon me while I retch. Can this relationship last? Will Super Wes marry Super Mandy? Or will she dematerialize the cap on the toothpaste and forget to rematerialize it once too often? What happens if Wes turns out to be allergic to dogs? Will Wes be able to stand his in-laws? Will Mandy be able to put up with Wes's whining, or will she decide "the hell with it" and put the moves on a *real* man, like Captain Picard? And if she does, will Q get jealous? Tune in next week, for more of "The Adventures of Super Wes!" In the tradition of "10 Q Stories We Passed Up," "Super Wesley Dates Amanda the Q", and other misleading parodies I've written, here is an intriguingly stupid little excerpt from a Q/Riker slash story, "Q In The Hand." The entity paced restlessly. "But surely you understood what it *meant*, when I granted you power equal to my own," Q said. "Surely you must have realized what it would mean, that I would raise you to my level, make of you a creature of my own kind. Surely you understood that it was no *mere* game." "Afraid not," Riker said mildly. Q spun to face him, a look of frustration and terrible intensity on his face. "You *must* have! Not even a human could be that dense," he de- claimed. He took Riker's hands in his own and gazed intently into the human's eyes. "I do not lightly offer immortality and power," he whispered. "Nor do I lightly offer to spend eternity with another being. How could I have made my intentions more clear to you? What could I have possibly done to express my true feelings to you?" Riker considered. "You could have sent flowers," he said. DISCLAIMER (lest I get bombarded with requests for the rest of the story) NO! The rest of the story does *not* exist-- this is a parody of ads for slash zines. However, if anyone wants to finish the story, feel free-- all I ask is that you send me a copy when done.