From jeanita@cpcug.org Sun Nov 09 22:47:01 1997
Path: news2.ispnews.com!news1.ispnews.com!europa.clark.net!205.252.116.205!howland.erols.net!news2.digex.net!digex!digex.net!not-for-mail
From: jeanita@cpcug.org (Jeanita)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.q
Subject: NEW: Q is easy, or, You guys panic *way* too fast
Date: 10 Nov 1997 01:47:01 -0500
Organization: Capital PC User Group, Inc., Rockville, Maryland, USA
Lines: 123
Message-ID: <646al5$6i2@cpcug.org>
NNTP-Posting-Host: cpcug.org
Xref: news2.ispnews.com alt.fan.q:903

Dear Everyone,

     My god, I can't believe you're having so much trouble with Q. 
He's a total pussycat.  I should know, because there I was, driving
down Georgia Avenue, on my way to the mall, when I look in the rear
view mirror and see this famous actor person lounging around the
back seat.  Well, I was shocked as you can imagine, but then he
says "Is that all you like to do with your time?  Shop?  No wait,
let me guess.  You like to tie up starship captains and spank them
really hard.  Maybe we should go shopping for a starship captain to
spank."
     Well, I told him it would be really good for him to get in
touch with his hostility and tell me what the problem was so we
could bring it to resolution.
     He told me that, being god and all, he decided to mete out
appropriate repercussions to the people who dared dance him around
like a puppet in their fervid little sex stories.  
     I told him I totally connected with his sense of being
violated by people who didn't take his true feelings into account,
and I thought he should really get his emotions out in an open,
honest way.  
     He told me he'd already started.  He showed me the latest
cover of Square Dance Monthly and told me vengefulness had it's
attractions.  BTW, Ruth, loved the hair.  How'd you get it so
curly?  And how on earth did you get it to stand so far out from
your head like that?
     So then he says, "I'm not sure what I should do with you.  On
the one hand, I always get laid but good in your stories, but on
the other hand there's so much purple angst it drives me crazy."
     I told him I was only doing my duty as a good consumer and he
should thank me. 
     He said this one ought to be good, and he folded his arms and
looked down his nose.  You know how he does.  But I've had this
argument before.  I was ready for him, and reasoned with him
thusly:  "Notice the buying sprees interjected into my stories. 
When they read about them, other people want to go out and shop
too.  The economy is stimulated and the whole country is
strengthened.  This is my contribution to the planet.  Besides, I
recycle."
     "What about the rest of the stories?"  He demands.
     Okay, now everybody pay attention because I was amazed this
worked so well.  Talk about your massive ego strokes.  I said:
     "Well, you're just so... dominating.  You have such presence
and such an electric personality.  It's hard not to write about you
because you're more fascinating that just about everybody else." 
By this time he's nodding along and smiling, so I laid it on some
more.  "Don't you know what I think of you?  How much I admire you? 
Look inside my head.  Hell, look inside my desk drawers.  Pictures
of you.  Everywhere."  
     He squinted for a moment, then he turned his mouth down and
stuck his lower lip out in total pout mode.
     "You've got that giant framed thing of the guy who plays
Picard and you don't have anything like that of me."
     "You're god.  *Make* the ALA take your picture.  Then we could
all hang it up next to the one of Patrick Stewart.  You know we all
want to."
     He squints again and says you're right.  Then he smiles at me
and says "I think I like you.  You remind me of an archeologist I
know.  Okay, you're saved this time.  In fact, you even get a
reward.  What do you want."
     So I just stare at him like he's crazy and he says, "Oh,
right," and snaps his fingers.
     Well, you guys won't believe how many malls there are in the
galaxy.  And you know what?  I got the part totally right about how
much Q really loves to shop.  We went to Zetar.  Loved it.  Then we
went to Vulcan.  Hated it.  Then Betazed.  Mm, sort of okay.  Then,
just for giggles we did the promenade at Deep Space Nine.  It
smells kind of funky.  Q said it was the Cardassians, but sometimes
you can't tell when he's joking.  Then we hit three more places. 
I know that sounds like a lot for one afternoon, but we had so many
things to buy.
     First we shopped for hats.
     Then we shopped for shoes.
     Then I took him to the Mac counter and I *made* him get Film
Noir and Diva because the colors are absolutely him.  The sales
troll behind the counter was totally impressed that a guy was hip
enough to elbow his way up to the testers and try on the colors he
liked best, but I'm like, "He's Q.  Of course he's way more hip
than *you're* used to."
     Then Q read her mind and told her if she called me that name
again he'd exile her to the Maybelline wall at Woolworths.
     We could still hear her crying all the way over in Men's
Accessories.
     Then we shopped for the perfect spring ensemble and we found
one for me done in spring willow with jade accents.  Silk with hand
embroidery.  It has a mandarin collar and dropped sleeves. 
Totally.  Bitchin'.
     Then we had to find him a different judge's costume.  He has
another starship captain to annoy and humiliate and he's soooo
tired of red and black.  Well, we totally changed his look.  Wait
until you guys see how cool his new threads are.  I promised not to
tell, but I will give this one tiny hint.  I convinced him to
totally drop that whole imposing-immortal-on-the-warpath vibe and
go for a look that says 'I'm laid back and comfortable in anything
or nothing at all.'  Think 'Captain's Holiday'.  Okay.  My lips are
zipped.
     Well, then we were tired (yes, omnipotent immortals can get
shopper's fatigue.  I know.  I saw him.)  so we rested and had late
lunch.  He snaps his fingers and poof!  I've got an iced latte with
a double shot of hazelnut, just like I like it.  He's such a
sweetie, and I told him so.
     So then he's like, "You lay it on pretty thick, don't you?"
     I'm like, "Yeah?  So?  You're an omnipotent immortal and I
want you to like me."
     He says, "Isn't it enough that I sprang for this whole
shopping spree?"
     I'm like, "No."
     He just sighs and starts whining about how much is demanded of
of the great and famous, but I really didn't care so I just drank
my latte.
     Well, then it was time to go home and get dinner.  I wanted
him to stay, but he muttered something about having to go torture
an old nemesis currently on the run in Mexico.  I wished him luck
and told him to drop by when he was finished.  We made a date to do
The Shops at Deltivid.  You guys should come along.  I know you'd
have a totally wonderful time.

Kisses,

Jeanita

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