From netcom.com!nntp04.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!uunet!in3.uu.net!news.cyberg8t.com!usenet Sat Aug 24 19:17:07 1996 Path: netcom.com!nntp04.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!uunet!in3.uu.net!news.cyberg8t.com!usenet From: ereshkgl@cyberg8t.com (Ruth Gifford) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: NEW: Monty Voyager (Parody, VOY) Date: 22 Aug 1996 07:34:01 GMT Organization: GiffStein Lines: 444 Message-ID: <4vh2h9$9hn@gate.cyberg8t.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: host22.cyberg8t.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: Text/Plain; charset=US-ASCII X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.99.7 As I mentioned in my repost of PythonTrek, I'm depressed. This happens when you have to turn over vast sums of money to a licensed bandit dressed as an auto mechanic. OK so the whole thing was my fault . . . oh never mind . . . it's just all too sordid. Anyway, last year in a crazed fit of iced-tea induced spontaneity I wrote a little something called PythonTrek. To my surprise many people (some of them *not* friends and family) liked it. I intended to do more, but I moved to be with the Trekker I love, got a job, lost a job, and during all that wrote a lot of TrekSmut. But . . . I dug up an old notebook and there it was: Monty Voyager in all it's bloody awful (original meaning of the word 'natch) glory. Had to finish it. TITLE: Monty Voyager SERIES: VOY SUMMERY: what would happen if the lads of Monty Python had scripted Voyager Please feel free to post any comments you may have, but I'd really appreciate it if you could also fling them at me via e-mail, as my news-server is a little iffy. If you want to repost this, download it to a BBS, send it to a mailing list, archive it to any archive other than the official one, print it for distribution, or run it with long underwear up a flagpole, write to me and ask for permission (I only bite one person these days). Voyager was created by a bunch of talented funny Brits, most of whom went to Cambridge, and Monty Python is part of the long running Star Trek franchise now being managed by Rick Berman, Michael Piller, and Jeri Taylor. OK, so I'm confused, it's really the other way around. Anyway I defy you to find an original idea in here at all. Oh yeah, for true connoisseurs of Brit humor (such as it is) there just might be some brief Goon Show/Spike Milligan references, not to mention a pop music reference. Also in my modest Leo way I refer to something else I wrote (in response to something Jeanita Danzik wrote) about Jean-Luc Picard's career as a drag queen (Check out "Drag, Johnny, Drag" by Jeanita Danzik and "Girlfriends" by Ruth Gifford in the afq archive). Remember, I'm a trained amateur, so if you try this at home wear safety goggles when you put the tapes in the blender. Format notes: Parentheses abound. Anything in between ** is an aside from YHA (Your Humble Author). The white zone is for loading and unloading only. Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. For Atara, because (among other things that would get this an NC-17 rating) she laughed the first time, and showed it to some of her learned colleagues, who also laughed. This is also for my mother, Martha Gifford, who had the sense to let me watch Monty Python at an impressionable age (*and* she got the jokes--to this day my parents have a penguin on the telly). When I sent this out to my personal mailing list, she sent (all to the other recipients--half of whom she doesn't know) a very funny letter praising it and asking where she went right. Thanks Mom, I love you too. Monty Voyager By Ruth Gifford (c) 1996 Intro/Credits: Voyager theme music mixed with Souza's Liberty Bell March. The Doctor is the naked organist and Neelix is the It's Man. The foot kicks the USS Voyager into an animated Badlands full of politician-headed chickens, pigs with wings, bouncing Queen Victorias and topless Mona Lisas. They all bounce off the ship, which flies into a complicated set of tubing (not unlike a hamster run). Eventually the Voyager falls through the bell of a tuba, bounces off the animated head of Admiral Nakamura, and ends up in a real starfield. Transition to . . . The Voyager is under attack from a small Kazon ship. It obvious that the Voyager seriously outguns the Kazon vessel. Cut to shot of bridge. Tuvok: Three direct hits to their weapon's systems, Captain. Janeway: Hail them, Mr. Kim. Kim: Channel open. Janeway: On screen. A Kazon appears on screen. He looks battered and the lights we can see in the background (which is really the bridge from the TOS movies only sideways and inside out) are flickering. There is smoke billowing from somewhere off screen, and moans from a dying bridge crew. Kazon: Do you surrender? Janeway: Captain, your ship is crippled. Kazon: No it isn't. Janeway: Yes it is! Cut to shot of the battle, which for no readily apparent reason is suddenly animated. The Kazon ship fires lamely at the Voyager with a gun that resembles a WWII vintage 7.2 howitzer manned by insane gunners from the 19th Battery. The Voyager is struck amidships with a animated hedgehog, which then wanders off into space shouting, "Dimsdale!" Janeway: Tuvok, I want their weapon's system completely disabled. Tuvok fires at the Kazon ship. Cut to bridge of Kazon ship. Two mildly famous radio DJs (from a Sacramento CA alternative radio station) dressed as Kazon go flying through the air to land in a heap on the deck. The Kazon Captain looks determinedly at his viewscreen and Janeway. Kazon: We will defeat you! Cut to Voyager bridge. Janeway cocks a wry eyebrow (waiter, an eyebrow on wry please!). Tucking one misplaced strand of hair back into her controlled yet elegant upswept hairdo with her delicate hand (Oh! So touchably soft! What *is* your secret?), she parts her lovely lips . . . **sorry, sudden attack of romance writing--I'm better now.** Janeway: Do you require assistance? Our sensors show that your warp core is in danger of going *boom!* Kazon: Nonsense! We will destroy your ship! Janeway: What are you going to do? Leak deuterium on us? Kazon: We are the Kazon! We are strong! We are invincible! Hear us roar! Janeway: You're bloody looney. (to Paris--crew member who is not to be confused with famous European city) Take us out of here Mr. Paris. Warp Two. Paris: Aye Captain. Kazon: Come back! We'll ram you! We'll break out the hand phasers and then bite your legs off! Cut to Tuvok sitting behind a desk. He speaks into a BBC microphone. Tuvok: And now for something completely different . . . Cut to Sickbay. B'Elanna Torres comes striding in with a complicated cage in her hands. Inside is an obviously fake parrot. A close-up reveals that the bird has tiny head ridges. Torres: Computer, activate Emergency Holographic Medical Program. Doctor appears. Doctor: Please state the nature of the emergency. Torres: It's my Tack'Ty Parrot. I was in here half an hour ago and you said it was fine. Now it's dead! Doctor: No it isn't. Torres: It is too. Doctor: No it isn't. Torres: Yes it *is*! It's deceased! Doctor: No, no, no. Tack'Ty Parrots go through a complicated hibernation period. Torres: He's dead. Doctor: No, he's resting. Torres: He's not resting! (she talks to the cage and stuffed parrot) Wake up K'Polly! I've got a lovely bit of heart of targ for you! Doctor (hitting the cage): Look, it moved. Torres: No it didn't! You hit the cage. (she pokes at the cage) Doctor: Careful, Tack'Ty Parrots are extremely dangerous. If you go poking the cage too much, he'll nuzzle up to the bars, and the next thing you know . . . *voom*! Torres (getting more irritated): That parrot wouldn't *voom* if you put four million millecochranes through it. It's bleeding demised. Doctor: It's resting. Torres: It's not *resting; it's a fucking stiff! It's pushing up the Rigelian Dasies! It's kicked the bucket! It's shuffled off this mortal coil and joined Kahless in Sto-Vo-Kor! This is an *ex* Parrot!! There is a pregnant pause which gives birth to the next bit of dialogue. Doctor (subdued): Oh. Well I guess I'd better replace it then. The Doctor wanders around Sickbay. Torres (muttering to self): I should bloody well think so . . . "resting" . . . Doctor (coming back): I'm sorry; I've had a look around and we're fresh out of Tack'Ty Parrots. How about a Delian slug. (holds up obvious rubber slug) Torres: Well . . . pray, does it talk? Doctor (hesitates then with a what-the-hell look): Ah . . . Yes! Torres: Right, I'll take that then! Cut to Officer's Mess. Neelix is trying to fend off a bunch of hairy Vikings dressed in TOS uniforms who are singing the Spam song. As the scene fades we hear him offering them Spam canapes fresh from asce. Fade to Holodeck. A Venice program is in progress (a moonlit night, violin music is in the air, in the background a guy in a battered fedora is arguing with a babe about the Holy Grail--that sort of thing). Harry Kim and Tom Paris are standing on a bridge over a canal. Paris is doing some sort of weird goofy dance **what a naff git!** and slapping Kim with a small fish. Kim finally gets annoyed. He hauls off and smacks Paris a good one with a huge dead fish. Paris goes reeling over the edge of the bridge into the canal to the off screen applause of the Delaney sisters. Cut to a canned shot of a bunch of little old Klingon ladies with hats, purses and big knives. They applaud politely. Cut to Bridge. Kim is frowning as he runs a Level 42 diagnostic of the internal sensors. Tuvok and Janeway approach. Tuvok (ignoring the fact that this information is totally redundant) : I instructed Mr. Kim to run a Level 42 diagnostic of the internal sensors. Janeway (to Kim): Well, Mr. Kim? Kim: I never wanted to do this at all, you know. I wanted to be . . . Janeway: Yes? Kim: I wanted to be . . . a lumberjack! There is the shimmer of a holograph forming in the middle of the bridge. It fades to reveal the Doctor sitting at an upright piano. As he starts to play the familiar song (if you don't know it, how did you make it this far?), the bridge doors open and the rest of the regular cast run on to the bridge. With the exception of Kes, they all wear Mountie uniforms. Kes is dressed in some sort of cute peasant outfit and Kim reaches out and snags her by the waist. She snuggles up to him while the rest of the cast, including Janeway and Tuvok (now also dressed as Mounties) join the Doctor at the piano. Kim (as everyone gets into place): I'd float down the rivers of Rigelian Columbia with my best girl at my side . . . cutting down trees . . . the Sequoia . . . the Andorian Thule Tree . . . the Bajoran Death-to-Cardassians Tree . . . Quick cut to a standard computer display screen. It is displaying a jpeg of a tree. Computer (in Majel Barrett Roddenberry's voice): The Larch Cut back to the prior scene on the bridge. Kim: . . . the Larch . . . we'd sing . . . (no one sings. Kim glares at the cast) we'd sing . . . (still no singing) . . . *SING!* (he bursts into song) Oh I'm a lumberjack And I'm OK! I sleep all night And I work all day! Assembled Voyager Cast (singing determinedly, albeit off-key) : He's a lumberjack And he's OK! He sleeps all night And he works all day! Kim: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatrieee! On Wednesdays I go shopping And have buttered scones for tea! Cast: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch He goes to the lavatrieee! On Wednesdays he goes shopping And has buttered scones for tea! Kim: I skip and jump, I wear high heels Suspenders and a bra (for you Americans reading at home, suspenders, sometimes called a suspender belt, is the British term for a garter belt) I wish I'd been a girrrly Just like my dear papa! Cast (beginning to look a little confused): He skips and jumps, he wears high heels Suspenders and a bra ????? (their voice start to trail off) mumble mumble mumble . . . Kim: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers! I put on women's clothing And hang around in bars! Cast (grimly determined): He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers! He puts on women's clothing (at this point Kes starts moving in the general direction of away) And hangs around in . . . bars??!!! There is confused muttering about women's clothing, bars and (sotto voce) Janeway asks Paris didn't Captain Picard go through a phase like this? **Shameless plug for "Drag, Johnny, Drag" (also titled "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!") by Jeanita Danzik, and "Girlfriends" by Ruth Gifford.** Kim (oblivious to the confusion): Oh I'm a lumberjack And I'm OK! Cast (doggedly joining in): He's a lumberjack And he's OK! Kim (singing with the Cast): He sleeps all night and he works all day Oh he's a lumberjack And he's OK . . . Cut to a canned shot of a bunch of little old Klingon ladies with hats, purses and big knives. They applaud politely. Cut to Tuvok sitting behind desk. He speaks into a BBC mike. Tuvok: And now for something completely different . . . A BBC accented voice over (sounding suspiciously like Patrick Stewart): And now the Voyager Security Staff will reenact the Battle of Wolf 359. Cut to a shot of a meeting of Security Officers. They are milling about smartly and hitting one another with various weird Trek-Tech devices. Cut to Officer's Mess. Neelix is dishing out the usual mixture of weird food. Tuvok enters an anonymous Security ensign in tow. In the background are a bunch of hairy Vikings in TOS uniforms fighting with three Brits who are singing something that sounds suspiciously like "Ying Tong, Ying Tong . . ." Tuvok: Are you Neelix, owner and sole proprietor of the Neelix Canape Company? Neelix: I am. Tuvok: Ensign BigBootie . . . Ens. BigBootie: That's BigBoo-tai! Tuvok (ignoring the ensign): . . . and I are enforcing the Federation Hygiene Codes. We'd like to talk to you about the Neelix Quality Assortment box. (holds up brightly colored box with alien letters on it. The letters look suspiciously like something created on a Macintosh). Neelix: Yes? Tuvok: Well start with the Thalaxian cheese curls. Now these are extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. Neelix (in oily tones): Agreeeed. Tuvok: What about this one then? The (effortlessly reads box) Crunchy Delian Frog Roll. Am I to understand that there's a *real* Delian frog in this? Neelix: Of course. Tuvok: Ensign BigBootie . . . Ens. BigBoo-tai, sir. Tuvok (once more ignoring the ensign): . . . ate one of those. He thought is was a mock Delian frog. Neelix (indignant): A *mock* Delian frog?! Sir, I use no artificial ingredients at all. (in the background, BigBootie gets a little pale). I choose only the freshest of Delian frogs, lovingly raised by Kes in the Arboretum, lightly killed, and dusted with Belzoidian Flea Vomit. (the ensign gets even more wan) Mock Frog . . . hummphh! Tuvok: It says nothing about Belzoidian Flea Vomit on the box. Neelix: Yes it does. Right here under Monosodium Glutamate. Tuvok: Well I hardly think that's good enough. I think it should bear a big red label on the outside: Warning Belzoidian Flea Vomit! Neelix (worried): But my sales would plummet! Tuvok: Fornicate your sales! I've got to protect the crew. And what about this one? (peers at box) Ocampan Pig Nipple Chips?" Neelix: Oh that's one of our specialties. (speaks lovingly) We smuggle in only the firmest Ocampan Pig Nipples, dried and soaked in Ixian Squid urine . . . Tuvok (speaking over Neelix--good thing the Thalaxian is short): Marcopian Sea Lizard Gills . . . BigBootie (sorry mate . . .) BigBoo-tai: Could you excuse me sir? A BBC accented voice over (still sounding suspiciously like Patrick Stewart): For those of you listening at home, the Ensign is throwing up into a wok lid. This is the longest continuous vomit in a Star Trek episode since William Shatner puked over a plastic prop during the filming of "Spock's Brain." **And didn't we all?** Tuvok: These are all disgusting. Why don't you move into a more traditional area of hors-d'oeuvres? Things like Gagh, or Romulan Hummus--a very popular item, or so I'm led to believe. (looks back at box) And what's this one then? (stops to raise eyebrow at Big-whatisface, who looks Deltidian sheepish) Spring Surprise? Neelix: Ohhhh one of my favorites. A lovely canape; smothered in blue-cheese and then covered in puff pastry. When you bite into it, titanium spring bolts spring out each side and pierce both cheeks. Tuvok (losing his Vulcan temper): Where's the enjoyment in that?! When people pop a nice little snackie in their mouths, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!! (pulls himself together with visible effort) Anyway, it is an inadequate description of the canape. I'm going to have to ask you to come with me before the captain. Neelix: That's a fair cop. Ens. Whatisface: Before the captain does what sir? As they depart the Officer's Mess we hear the distant sounds of singing: Spam Tong, Spam Tong Ying Spam, Ying Spam. . . etc Quick to Janeway's quarters. Q (in slinky pink nightgown-pajama thingie) and Janeway (in Victorian men's sleep shirt and limp night cap) are looking out the window at Earth. Q: Now that you've made the right decision and decided Quinn's case in favor of the Continuum, here we are Kathy! (He gestures, grandiosely, of course.) Home again, the Alpha Quadrant! Janeway (sighing, her eyes wide--deer caught in the headlight, you know the look): The Alpha Quadrant. Cut to the corridors of Starfleet Command. A bunch of officers (including the mandatory Jonathan Frakes, in his mandatory cameo) starts dancing and singing a little song about which Emily Gifford (menippee@ix.netcom.com--she's YHA's sister) says: "Just a little something I wrote between the answering machine and the computer... Starfleet Officers: We're Starfleet Officers We love it when people call us "Sirs" Say what you like, it beats working for PERS We love to sing a little verse Ah, don't cry -- could be worse Janeway: On second thought, let's not go to the Alpha Quadrant. It is a silly place... **The above was indeed written by the lovely menippee@ix,netcom,com aka Emily Gifford. Thanks kid, you'll get half of the take.** **Back to Ruth** Cut to black screen with blue-white letters in ST font: THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WEEKS EPISODE OF STAR TREK: VOYAGER HAVE BEEN SACKED. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE, RICK BERMAN, MICHAEL PILLER, AND JERI TAYLOR. Cut to shot of Janeway looking pensive. Janeway: Well Mr. Kim, we may never know. Maybe they are just out here like us . . . All alone in the night . . . Cut to exterior shot of the Voyager moving through a starfield. Subdued music plays in the background, but as the credits come up the theme is still the Voyager title music mixed with the Liberty Bell March. The End -- ************** *Ruth Gifford* ************** "Would you a favourite novel make, Try hard your reader's heart to break, For who is pleased, if not tormented? (Novels for that were first invented.)" "A Receipt for Writing a Novel" Mary Alcock (1742-1798)