From netcom.com!ix.netcom.com!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!rockyd!cmcl2!is.nyu.edu!pem4958 Fri Feb 23 22:19:17 1996 Xref: netcom.com rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:25847 alt.tv.mst3k:54840 rec.arts.startrek.current:212258 Path: netcom.com!ix.netcom.com!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!rockyd!cmcl2!is.nyu.edu!pem4958 From: pem4958@is.nyu.edu (Petrea Mitchell) Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc,alt.tv.mst3k,rec.arts.startrek.current Subject: MSTing Voyager ("Death Wish") Followup-To: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Date: 22 Feb 1996 21:10:33 GMT Organization: New York University Lines: 340 Message-ID: <4gim49$n7e@cmcl2.NYU.EDU> NNTP-Posting-Host: is.nyu.edu X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] The following contains spoilers for the Voyager episode "Death Wish". This is the one with Q... and good gods, every rumor about it was true. The following is intended as entertainment, not as a slam at Voyager fans. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeremy couldn't make it this week, so it was just Kevin Snell and me. Chakotay: It looks, feels and tastes like a comet. "Does it quack like a comet?" "When did you get a chance to taste it?" Janeway: Or it could be something we've never encountered before. "Boy, that would be a surprise." B'elanna: Let's beam a sample on board. "Now you can taste it, Chakotay." [New Q is beamed in] "Hi, I'm David Brin. I was researching a book..." New Q: Here, let me make the setting more appropriate. "Um, for who?" [New Q eyes a grey-haired crewman] New Q: You... "Aren't you past mandatory retirement age?" New Q to Kes: You only live nine years! How I envy you. "You've got a way out of this show..." Janeway: We know who you are. All Starfleet captains have been briefed on your appearances aboard the _Enterprise_. "Uh, did you ever look at the pictures?" New Q: Me? Oh, you must have mistaken me for someone else. "Heh, you seem to have mistaken me for an actor." New Q: ...tell them these were my last words. "And now, the last words of Arnold J. Rimmer." New Q: Well, not very dramatic, I know, but... "Okay, how's this: `Dead men don't die.' No, wait. `If at first you don't succeed...' no, no..." B'elanna: Captain, all the men have disappeared. "Really? Dibs on this one!" New Q: Well, I must be going. "I'm off to direct _Lysistrata_." [deLancie's Q appears in a flash of light] "Mom, a Psicop!" Old Q to Chakotay: Facial art? How wilderness of you. "I'll put you in the Guggenheim." [New Q points impishly at Janeway] "Pull my finger." [New Q makes the gesture at Old Q, who disappears] Janeway: What did you do? "Oh, I just flipped him off." New Q: Just an old hiding place of mine... "We're hidden inside seaQuest." Kim: Captain, there are no stars outside! "They got hired on another show." B'elanna: Sensors indicate we've been transported to the beginning of the universe. "At the Big Bang Burger Bar." "Lemme try something. [makes gesture at TV] Damn! The show's still there." [shot of supposed subatomic particles whizzing by] "It looks like they're being attacked by AMA symbols." [shot of the Christmas tree] "The hell? Now we're at the Wanamaker's Christmas sale!" [Old Q peers into the ship] "Ho ho ho." [Janeway suddenly starts spitting fire at the Q] "Help, I'm being possessed by Roger Corman!" Old Q, excited: A hearing! "Oh, goody, we can hear stuff!" Old Q: And if you rule in *our* favor... "I get to be Winnie the Pooh." Old Q: [patronize, patronize, patronize] Well, I guess it's time to see if the pants... fit. "Hey, I'm a natural size 4!" "Q, technically you're not a white male." New Q: Ah, Tuvok, always looking for a weakness... "Well, if you hit us in the blinking spot right by our eyes..." Janeway: I'd like to begin this hearing by stating clearly... "That no one is to make fun of my hair." Janeway: This will not be a circus. "Aw, all right, I'll put my clown nose away." Janeway: Don't call me Madam Captain. "Oh, thank you, Judge Ito." Old Q, to himself: Could you describe the impact on the Q continuum? "Well, there would be this bad matte screen..." Old Q: I believe this makes him... mentally unbalanced. "Um, *you're* the one talking to himself..." Tuvok: I submit that this alone cannot be taken as evidence of mental instability. Old Q: Objection! "You're just jealous of my blue lips!" Old Q: ...their executions ended it. It wasn't something we enjoyed, but... "It gave us something to watch Monday nights." Tuvok: So you find nothing contradictory about a society that allows capital punishment but not suicide? "Message! Ding! Message coming in!" [New Q whispers in Tuvok's ear] "I don't know where I can find one of those at this time of night..." [shot of the hippie, Newton and Riker] "Number 3 in the lineup, please to turn to the left." [shot of the hippie] "Wasn't he in _Jaws_?" Hippie: Whatever happened to that groovy chick with the red beads? "Well... I ate her. Don't tell anyone." "That chick grew up to be... Cher!" "So if Woodstock hadn't been held, there'd be no space travel?" Riker: I'll be damned. "Yup, you certainly will." Old Q: He carried him back to the fort... "Just like Forrest Gump." Old Q, grabbing Newton's shoulders: Without him, Newton would never have discovered the law of gravity. "And he'd never have been hugged by me." Tuvok, inside the comet: These are the conditions my client would be forced to live in. "There's no air in here, either. We'll all be dead in a few seconds..." "Hey, there's something alive in here." Janeway: I don't want to examine the Q penal system.. "Huhuhuh, she said `penal'." Janeway: I've conducted extensive research... "No, really, I have." Janeway: You're not aged or infirm... You don't appear to be suffering in any way. "Well, I got a paper cut this morning... does that count?" Tuvok: I undestand your position, though it is not mine. "I'm not a double-jointed acrobat like you." Janeway, to the Old Q: You've done many things, but one thing you've never been... "...is a Boy Scout." Old Q: Oh, am I blushing? "Well, your lips are less blue in this scene..." Old Q: I've never told you this, but... "The other Q was featured on `Unsolved Mysteries' once." Old Q: Look out the window. [Janeway does and is surprised] "It's snowing!!" "Earth Mark II, actually. We're building it from the plans of the old one..." [the Qs approach each other with folded arms] "Hup! Hey! They look like Russian dancers." "Now the referees are getting together..." [everyone appears in the middle of a road] "Hey, the information superhighway." "Roger Zelazny's `Road Marks'." [shot of the old guy] "It's Bartles and Jaymes." [shots of random other people] "Okay, it's Morgan Freeman, Nuveena, Bertie Wooster, and... Spot!" [our heroes approach] "Fill 'er up?" "We can't pay them enough to give them lines." Janeway: Where does the road go? "Well, Kerouac once said..." Old Q: Ah, the road! "[elderly voice] I am the road, you should pity me..." Old Q: These are happy people. "Shiny happy people." New Q: But listen to them now. Tuvok: I confess I cannot hear their dialogue. New Q: Because there's nothing left to say... "Thanks, can I stop being stupid now?" Old Q: I'm a born-again Q. "[singing] And I'm proud to be a born again Trek fan!" (Please say someone recognizes this...) New Q: I miss the irrepressable Q. "I miss the Q I loved." "The Q have no personal space." New Q: Here's my last column. [shot of it under white light] "He's Dave Barry!" "Here, look at it under an entirely different light." New Q: But what if you had nothing left to explore? "I guess I'd be on `Voyager' then." [New Q backs up and almost runs into Nuveena] "Look out... could you, um..." "I may be immortal, but get your hand off my thigh, please." [slow pan of a starfield] "Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." [Janeway rolls over and sees Q] "Aah! There's a chef in my bed!" "And Ma in her kerchief and me in my cap..." "Q, please get out of the playmate pose." Old Q: So, let's celebrate! "With General Foods International Coffees!" Old Q: And imagine that you come running across the field to find... me! "Dressed like that??" "C'mon, I'll let you use my blue lipstick!" "This makes perfect sense for an immortal being with no gender." Janeway: I've felt so many conflicting emotions in the course of this trial... "But mainly disgust." "Dull surprise... dull surprise..." Janeway: I've tried to tell myself I'm not being asked to personally perform euthanasia. "Is that a new one-woman play?" "She's got anime eyes. Look how they're wobbling." Janeway: I've had so much trouble reconciling this... "So I decided to flip a coin." Janeway to Old Q: You've been in my chambers enough already. "A*men*!" New Q: I'm mortal! "God, this was a bad idea, wasn't it?" Janeway: You've got a whole new state of being to explore. "yes, but it's on *Voyager*." Janeway: Please reconsider... "I'll give it some thought no." Janeway: The new crewman has entered our rolls under the name "Quinn". "`Voyager' is a Quinn Martin production." Janeway: With all he knows, we could close down stellar cartography. "Um, what about all those maps you got during `Threshold'?" Doc: There's no cure. "I can turn you back from a lizard, but not cure him." "Well, that tidies up that problem. On to the next show!" "Oh, just shut up and die." New Q: Tell them these were my last words. "Actually, these are my last. No, wait, *these*..." "Dying is easy, comedy is hard..." Janeway: Doctor, do you keep samples of any fatal poisons? "Sure, we all do!" Doctor: No, and it can't be replicated. [Old Q appears] "Hi, it's me, the impish angel of death!" Old Q: I've learned from his example. "I learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature." -- / <|> <|> Petrea Mitchell "...saw a reference to being `hearing-hampered' the other day, which sounds like someone who left his hearing aids in the laundry" ---Kate Wrightson *** Save MST3K! *** http://fermi.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j/canceled.html ***