======== Newsgroups: alt.fan.q Subject: "It'll be the . . ." (Q/J/baby Ruth-style) From: ereshkgl@cyberg8t.com (Ruth Gifford) Date: 1 Aug 1996 05:42:06 GMT Q/Janeway--newest Trek couple or pathetic attempt on Paramount's part to boost ratings? Well the good people here on afq have their ideas and if you all can't guess my thoughts on the matter, go back and read MFJ and HBP. While visiting my sister, I saw Mercutio's call for stories and then her version (which busted me up). I came up with an idea, but by the time I returned home JJ had beat me to it (I busted up over that one too), so I thought I'd better sit down and execute Plan B before someone else beats me to it (like oh, I don't know, Jeanita maybe? :-) ). So here you go. BTW it helps to have read the *all* the Trek articles in the TV Guide. It's parody; it's got a Q in the title; its characters belong to Paramount (although I think they should all join the circus if the all-knowing TV Guide is right--that would be more dignified); it's short, and it's got no sex in it. Most of all, it's for Atara, who wrote a story that made me think that maybe Q would see something in the lovely Kathy. After all, Atara and I see something in her and we have *great* taste in women. It'll be the Q-tist Little Thing; or Sweeps Week Ratings Booster Extravaganza by Ruth Gifford (c) 1996 "Excuse me Doctor, but did you in fact just tell me that I'm . . . pregnant?" Kathryn Janeway had a look that the Doctor thought she'd gotten rid of in the first season. Now it was back, and the captain of the Voyager looked like a deer trapped in very bright headlights. "Yes, that's what I said. And might I say Captain, that you should have told me you were considering having a child." "I'm *not* considering having a child," Janeway said through gritted teeth. "I can't be pregnant. I haven't . . . I haven't had sex in over two years. Well, there was that time with Paris, but I was a lizard at the time. It doesn't count if you're a lizard, does it?" She remembered Paris' bad Jim Morrison imitation. Tom Paris was many things, but he was *not* the Lizard King. "Well, I wouldn't know about social niceties, of course. If it helps, this *isn't* a lizard baby. It's a normal Human baby, which leads me to conclude that you've had normal Human sex with a man sometime in the last three weeks." "Look Doctor, unless playing with myself while thinking about . . . Anyway that's normal enough, but unfortunately, no real man was involved. Can you find out who the father is or is it too early?" The Doctor did something complicated with an instrument that looked suspiciously like a jury-rigged Polaroid camera (let's hear it for Mike Okuda!). "Let me run this through the data banks . . . well it's no one aboard Voyager." "Told ya so," Janeway said with a triumphant voice. "So the question becomes, how did you manage to have sex with Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise here in the Delta Quadrant?" "Jean-Luc?!!?" "Jean-Luc," another voice said from behind the doctor. "You," Janeway said tiredly. "Moi! And I must say that you are certainly glowing. Impending motherhood suits you." Q (and who the hell did you expect, the Spanish Inquisition?) sauntered over to Janeway, absentmindedly snapping his fingers and sending the Doctor into a kinky version of Jane Eyre that was playing on the holodeck. "I've arranged things so that you won't even have morning sickness." "But why . . . Jean-Luc's baby . . . what . . . I mean . . . the TV Guide said it would be . . . your baby . . ." "Oh come on Katy-me-love," Q replied in a bad Colm Meany imitation. "You know better than to believe everything you read in TV Guide. For example you surely can't believe that Paramount would redo "The City on the Edge of Forever" with Johnny and his little friends and call it Star Trek VIII?" "Oh," Janeway said, downcast. "But in the Voyager article Jeri Taylor hinted that . . ." She blushed. "No, no, no. That was just to fool people. Actually those Planet Stonewall people got their way. The big Voyager couple next year will be the man you *want* to be your tattooed love slave and your pretty young Mr. Kim." "Well," Janeway said determinedly. "I know that *they* won't let us go home, so there's nothing you can offer me as an incentive to carry this to term. What's to keep me from having an abortion?" "The more conservative viewers. You're going to be all overcome with the thought of having a little wee one and you'll discuss the "sanctity of life" with B'Elanna when she suggests that you get rid of it." "Damn DS9," Janeway muttered. "If they hadn't thought of it first, I'd get someone else to have it. What am I supposed to do with Jean-Luc's baby? He hates kids. Come to think of it, I'm not so wild about them myself." "Oh, this baby will be special . . ." "That's what they said about Wesley Crusher." "That was different. But he is the reason *you* get to have this baby." When Janeway looked at him curiously, he sighed in exasperation. "Beverly didn't like being pregnant. This baby will be my wedding gift to the two of them." "What two . . .? You mean Jean-Luc is going to *marry* Beverly Crusher? That rumor's been going around Starfleet for years." "Sorry, it's true this time. It'll be a very PC wedding, you know." Ignoring a look from Janeway that would have killed a lesser being, Q prattled on. "But we wanted to give them *something.* Wedding gifts are so difficult you know." "Now I'm really confused. I thought that you and Jean-Luc . . ." "Oh Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn, you are *so* gullible. Not only do you believe TV Guide, but you believe what you read on USENET?" He sighed. "Get with the program, honey. I may have a thing for bald Starfleet captains, but you're thinking of the wrong one. Why do you think Penny Johnson wouldn't cut a deal with Paramount? Such a bitch you know. Benjy's better off with moi." He sighed. "Look, have this baby for me and I'll talk Berman and Piller into letting B'Elanna and Kes be the first queer Trek couple. That way, you, Jeri Taylor and thousands of J/C fans get a new lease on life." Q's earlier phrase ("tattooed love slave," of course) rang in Janeway's memory. "Make GiffAndStein write some J/C BDSM and you've got yourself a deal." The End Unless of course during the next season, Janeway does have a baby for Q and Captain Sisko to give to Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher as a wedding present. Should this unlikely event occur, this half of GiffAndStein promises to do some J/C BDSM. -- ************** *Ruth Gifford* ************** "This is not a history lesson, this is pageantry. Narrative and exposition don't work well in this kind of setting." Bob Costas (again) during the Opening Ceremony of the Games of the XXVI Olympiad (modern era)