======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: NEW: Et Tu, Q? (P/T, J/C) PG 1/ From: subhar@aol.com (SubhaR) Date: 17 Jun 1998 04:12:52 GMT -------- Et Tu, Q? Subha Rajaram (SubhaR@aol.com) Series: Voyager Rating: PG Codes: P/T, mild J/C This story may be archived at the ASC archives but any other distribution must have my permission. Find my other stories at http://members.aol.com/SubhaR/mine.html Notes about this story: It helps if you've read Julius Caesar, but it's okay if you haven't. It's not that vital to the story. I wrote this last summer when I had way too much time on my hands and just heard "Wipeout" on the radio and seen a commerical where this guy was surfing and then he realizes that he lost his..well, that would give out too much of the story, now wouldn't it? Please keep in mind that this is a rough draft. There are still spelling/grammar errors in there, and any comments you may have would be greatly appreciated. All comments go to SubhaR@aol.com ************** B'Elanna Torres sat at her console in front of the warp core, and let out a bored sigh. *Voyager* was passing through an extremely dull part of space called the Psycheor expanse, according to Neelix. Well, at least, that's what he *thought* it was called. As he had said earlier, beyond the Nekrid expanse, he didn't know anything. For the first few weeks, it had been wonderful, giving her and her staff a chance to repair all the minor systems they hadn't time to fix while passing through Viidian, Borg and Kazon space. But now, everything was running at full efficiency, and she was out of a job. Just as she was about to close her eyes and probably fall asleep, a sudden chirp on her console made her jump. Words scrolled across the screen, and as she read it, a smile crossed her face. It was a note from Tom Paris: Dear Love of my life, I had a feeling you'd be bored down there, so stick one of your minions with watching your precious engines and meet me on Holodeck 2. I have a surprise. Tom As she finished reading the note, she rose from her seat and headed toward the exit. "Carey, take charge," she called out behind her, not waiting to hear his response. **************** On the holodeck, Tom put the finishing touches on the table set for two. As he leaned back to admire his handiwork, a pair of slender arms slid around his waist. "You're the most wonderful man I've ever met," came the voice. "I can't believe you went to all this trouble for dinner." Tom spun around to see his lover grinning at him. He smiled back. "Not just for dinner," he corrected. He nodded toward the gold bracelet she was wearing. "For the most beautiful woman I love," he said, quoting the inscription. "Still," insisted B'Elanna. She gestured to the beautiful background of two setting suns over a blue ocean and the table set on white sand with elegant looking tableware. "I am touched that you would go to all this trouble...and it isn't even a special occasion. And you even dressed for it, too. " He looked down at his black slacks and gray silk shirt, and shrugged. "All part of the service." He escorted her over to the table and pulled out the chair. "After you." She slid in gracefully as he took his own seat, giving her a chance to examine all the food. B'Elanna's mouth dropped open. There was tarkalian tea, chicken curry, with rice, Bolian pasta and baklava, all of her favorite foods. "It must have taken you forever to save up enough rations." "I won enough from you and Harry playing pool," Tom explained, earning a mock ferocious glare. "It was worth losing them," she decided, taking a bite of pasta. "I'm glad you think so." Things were fairly quite for a while as they ate their meal, but when they started on the baklava they started their regular discussion on various types of literature. This time, however, they hit on one topic that neither was able to solve. "Julius Caesar was *not* an incompetent idiot!" insisted Tom, trying to keep his voice low, but not succeeding. "Yes, he *was*!" shot back B'Elanna, not even attempting to keep her voice quiet. "The man was supposed to be a giant in Earth's military history, but he wasn't able to tell his best friend was disloyal!!" "Of course he didn't know. If Brutus and Cassius let him know they were trying to kill him, they wouldn't have been very good conspirators!" "He was warned by his wife, Calphurnia, and the soothsayer to 'beware the ides of March' But the moron didn't listen! That was definite folly. The only people as stupid as him were the Trojans when they let the horse in!" B'Elanna slammed her fist down on the table for emphasis, almost spilling her tea. "That was the point, B'Elanna! To show that even a great man could be manipulated, that he had arrogant pride. He had hubris, one of the characteristics of being a tragic hero." Tom took a deep gulp of his drink. "Now you're saying that Caesar was the tragic hero of the whole play." B'Elanna looked disbelieving. "No way. That would be Brutus." "Brutus? Caesar was the one who died!" "So did Brutus--and Cassius," countered B'Elanna. "Let me point it out for you. He had hubris--his pride showed when he refused to let Cicero take over the assasination plot. And when he refused to kill Marc Anthony because he insisted that once Caesar was gone, Anthony would be powerless, that was the beginning of his downfall. The tragic hero was Brutus!" Tom opened his mouth to counter her argument when he realized he realized he had nothing to say. "You won," he mumbled in a barely audible voice. "What did you say?" "You've made your point. You won," he said a bit louder. "You're admitting defeat?" she asked incredulously, not expecting an answer. She walked over and embraced him. "You're the best." "Because I lost?" "No, 'cause you look really cute when you lose," she explained, sitting on his lap. Tom perked up. "So what does this loser get as his punishment?" he asked, eyes twinkling. "This is tough," said B'Elanna, trying to appear as stern as possible. She breathed into his ear," Maybe something like...making you eat pleeka root." "You do that, and I'll tell the whole ship that you like Dr. Suess books," threatened Tom, gagging at the thought of more of that disgusting stuff. When Neelix liked a particular spice, he used it in everything--and for the past month, it had been pleeka root. "All right," relented B'Elanna. She thought harder. And as suddenly as if someone had whispered an idea into her head, she leaped off Tom's lap and dragged him to the simulated ocean's edge. "I want you to go stand in the waist deep water," she said. Tom just gave her a puzzled stare. "You're the boss." He waded into the designated spot. "Now what?" "Take off all your clothes," ordered B'Elanna, trying to keep the huge grin off of her face. Tom's jaw dropped open and his eyes bugged out. "What??!!" "Do it." His eyes still as wide as saucers, he complied. His gray shirt, followed by pants, underwear, boots and socks came flying out and landed in a heap at B'Elanna's feet. He stood there for a while, unsure of what he was supposed to do. B'Elanna stood on the shore, admiring his muscles and the fine mat of golden hairs that covered his chest. "Um..., you mind tossing me my clothes now?" He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. It was getting kind of chilly. B'Elanna nudged the wet pile with the toe of her boot. "These?" she said, feigning innocence. "Yes those. Will you *please* pass them to me?" he asked, wrapping his arms around himself. She sank to her knees, slowly and meticulously folding the clothing and then picked it up. "No, I don't think so," she said slowly. "What??" B'Elanna called out," Computer, exit." The doors appeared, and she headed straight for them, Tom's clothes and boots in the crook of her arm. "Bella!!!" shrieked Tom. "You can't leave me here without my clothes. How am I supposed to leave? Is this was I get for trying to give you a nice dinner?!!!" B'Elanna looked shocked. "This isn't what you get for giving me a nice dinner, Tom. That would be some Suess. But this is about revenge. Remember when I lost that bet about Sir Lancelot? You made me let you spoon feed me leola root for two whole weeks. Just think of this as your comeuppance. Have fun," she called, leaving without a backward glance. "Great," muttered Tom. He angrily hit the water, sending salty water droplets into his eyes. "What am I supposed to do now?" ************** B'Elanna marched down the corridor, Tom Paris' uniform clutched to her chest and a smile as big as *Voyager* decorating her face. She did feel slightly sorry for Tom, but really, he did deserve it. Eating leola root was no treat, and having it spoon fed to you was definitely not a good thing. Her brow furrowing, she tried to calculate how long it would take Tom to figure out that she had sabotaged all his possibilities of escape, with the exception of one. *************** Tom Paris stood in the now freezing water, teeth chattering until he felt like his jaw was going to fall off. *I am going to get her for this* he vowed, wrapping his arms more tightly around himself. But revenge would have to wait. Trying to ignore the fact that he was turning into an icicle, he tried to think of a way to get out of this unfortunate predicament. "Computer, initiate emergency beam out from Holodeck 2 to my quarters." Tom stiffened himself, expecting the shimmer of a transporter beam to be the next thing he heard. Wrong. "Command is invalid." "What? Computer, override, Paris-Alpha-Echo." "Clearance code is invalid. Must have Chief Engineer's voice print to initiate transporter beam out," responded the computer. "Wonderful," muttered Tom. "Computer, replicate a uniform, authorization Paris-Alpha-Echo." "Authorization is invalid, must have Chief Engineer's voice print to comply with request." Tom resisted the urge to scream. "Computer, open a comm channel to Chief Engineer Torres." For a moment he expected to hear the computer say request denied, but a small click let him know the channel was open. "B'Elanna, how long are you going to make me stay in here?" "I'm not making you stay in there Tom," replied B'Elanna, her voice sounding smug over the intercom. "You can come out whenever you want." "But I don't have any clothes!!" Tom was at the brink of desperation. "And the computer says I need to have you authorize my request to replicate an uniform." "Did it really? I'll have to check on that malfunction," commented B'Elanna, trying not to smirk, despite the fact he couldn't see her. "B'Elanna!!!!" bellowed Tom, panic entering his voice. "You can't do this to me!!!" "I warned you not to make me eat the leola root. So I can and I am. Torres out." And the channel was disconnected. Tom stared at his hand unhappily. It was already slightly wrinkled. He'd probably be a prune before anyone found him---wait a minute. With a sinking heart, Tom realized that no one else was scheduled to use the holodeck after him. So no one would come barging in, ready to use the holodeck, and able to free him. He sank to his knees, defeated, all out of ideas. Unfortunately, he accidentally inhaled some of the sea water. "ARRRGHHH!," shrieked Tom, spitting out the water and trying to get rid of that disgusting after taste. Keeping his head carefully above the water, he tried to think. He was a Paris, and Paris' didn't give up this easily. There had to be something he could do or use to get out of here without having to streak through the corridors. He scanned the holodeck. Nothing. Just lots of sand, plenty of water, and a table set for two with-wait a minute. Tom did a double take at the table. The table cloth. It wasn't part of the simulation. When *Voyager* had stopped at Beros Prime, he and B'Elanna had gone shopping. Actually, he had dragged her with him. But both of them had fallen in love with the silky feeling table cloth. And that was what he had used today. *Good thinking* he thought, mentally patting himself on the back. Double checking to make sure no one had shown up without him knowing (a slim possibility, but he wasn't willing to come out of the water until he was positive), he darted out of the water and raced toward the table. Grabbing the tablecloth, he wrapped it around his waist securely, letting out sigh of relief. Now, the only question was, how was he supposed to get through the corridors without Tuvok arresting him for indecent exposure? ********** B'Elanna entered her quarters, throwing Tom's clothes onto the couch. "Computer, are there any life forms on Holodeck 2?" "There is one life form." B'Elanna grinned evilly. She had thought he would have gotten out of there already. Maybe she had given him too much credit. Her smile grew even wider as she thought of him standing there in the middle of the holodeck shivering. Actually, she had gotten the idea from a girl she had known at Starfleet Academy, by the name of Laura. Laura had had the oddest sense of humor, and whenever she went out with a guy she didn't like, she somehow managed to embarrass him. Laura had told her once about how she and this really obnoxious guy had gone to the beach, and he had kept hitting on her. Making him think she wanted to go skinny dipping, she had gotten his to strip all his clothes and enter the water. Unfortunately, for him, Laura stole all his clothes. B'Elanna giggled to herself as she yet again pictured the pilot standing there freezing, thinking of ways to get revenge. And trying to figure out a way to get out the holodeck. Flopping down on her desk chair, B'Elanna tried to find something to read to keep her occupied until then. The report on the warp core emissions didn't look too stimulating, the navigational array status report didn't look too appealing either, but wait---here was a copy of "Warrior Women at the River of Blood" That should certainly pass the time. And it certainly would be a while before Tom would show up. ******************* Tom slumped down on one of the chairs, deep in thought. There had to be a way to get through *Voyager* with out being seen. Something out of the way, and---wait a minute! *Of course!* thought Tom. *The Jefferies Tubes!* If he snuck through them, he could get out by the junction point right across from his quarters, without being seen by anyone. And this late at night, not even anyone from Engineering would be working. *Tom, my boy, you are a genius!* ******************* Ensign Mikel Hudson, security officer, liked a great many things about his position on *Voyager*. But sitting in the Security office, watching the security monitors for a possible intruder was definitely not his idea of a great time. So far, there had been absolutely nothing, which was great, but it was also boring. He turned to his partner, Ethan Simms. "Hey Ethe?" Ethan jumped a bit, and then turned to his face his best friend, brushing a strand of auburn hair out of his eyes. "Yeah, Mik?" He rubbed his eyes in an obvious attempt to keep himself awake. "How did I get us into this?" "Because your a sucker for a pretty face, that's why," explained Ethan, still struggling to keep his eyes open. "I am not!" Mikel insisted. "Yes, you are!" contradicted Ethan. "Why else would you let Anita Meelena and Marie DuBois off the hook tonight, and offer to take their shifts? Because they batted their pretty blue eyes-" "Marie has green." "Blue and green eyes at you, and you were under their spell. And now we're stuck watching the monitors." Ethan let out a huge yawn. "And I could definitely use this time to catch up on some sleep. Why do you have to rope me into all these things?" "Because you're my buddy." Mikel draped his arm around Ethan's shoulder. "And buddies do things together." "Well, next time, leave this buddy out of it," said Ethan dryly. He turned his attention back to the monitors which still showed empty corridors. "Janine and I....were out late last night." "I bet you were. I meant to ask you about that. Why didn't you tell me that you were finally going to ask her out on a date? I could have taken odds in the betting pool!" said Mikel, gazing at his own monitors. Still nothing. "It was a kind of spur of the moment thing," explained Ethan, a dreamy look clouding his face. "We were in the hydroponics bay, and Janine was standing by the roses, and she just looked so beautiful, that I went ahead and asked." "Well, next time, do me a favor? Let me know! I hate being left out the loop. I actually found out from Aayla about your date!" "I would have told you as soon as possible, but Janine and I....well, we got slightly side-tracked." Ethan's face pinked slightly and Mikel decided not to push him. Turning back to their respective monitors, they stared in silence for a few minutes. "I would do anything for *something* to happen," said Mikel, leaning back and crossing his arms. "You know what they say. Be careful what you wish for," offered Ethan. "Maybe something will happen." He took another swig of the hot chocolate he had replicated earlier. "Yeah right," scoffed Mikel. "Still, it would be nice if something out of the ordinary happened." Settling back in his chair, he vowed never to be conned by another pair of gorgeous eyes again. ************** Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay headed down the corridor, deep in conversation. "What exactly is the holodeck program your taking me too?" asked Kathryn. "Uh, uh, Kathryn," Chakotay admonished, smiling. "No hints." "Come on Chakotay, just a little hint," pleaded Kathryn. Patience was not her middle name. "Or do I have to pull rank on you?" "You can court martial me before I reveal the name," said Chakotay solemnly. "I just may." Kathryn tried to emulate Chakotay's seriousness, but a smile betrayed her. "We're almost there," promised Chakotay. He nodded his head toward the double doors they had just passed. "There's Holodeck 1, and we're almost at 2." "I'm surprised you found a holodeck available," admitted Kathryn, deciding that her curiosity could wait. "I thought it was peculiar too," said Chakotay, his brow creasing. "I thought somebody would have reserved it. But I double checked. The last people to use it were B'Elanna and Tom, and they should be long gone by now." "Well, whatever the reason, it was nice of you to invite me to join you on- whatever holodeck program we're going to." Kathryn squeezed his hand. Being a Captain of a starship was a great job, but it didn't leave much time for recreational activities. But, luckily for her, Chakotay seemed bound and determined to change that. ************************ Double checking to make sure his tablecloth was tied well around his waist, Tom glanced around the holodeck. Maybe he was just being paranoid, but he had a feeling someone was there. But there was no one in sight. Brushing off his concerns, he focused on more important matters. How to make it into the Jefferies Tubes without anyone spotting him. "Computer, is there anybody in front of Holodeck 2?" "Negative," replied the computer emotionlessly. "Good," said Tom. He would show B'Elanna that nothing could stop him. Taking confident strides, with a confidence he didn't feel, he headed out of the holodeck. The massive doors hissed open and he strode through, finally feeling sure of himself. And that's when he crashed into the Captain and the First Officer. ******************************* Kathryn and Chakotay's respective jaws dropped to the floor when they realized exactly whom they'd literally butted heads with. "Mr. Paris, " began Kathryn, resisting the urge to rub her eyes and make sure she wasn't hallucinating. Chakotay had the same disbelieving look in his eyes. " I believe you have some explaining to do." She watched, utterly fascinated, as Tom's face turned a bright red. First the tip of his ears, then, oddly enough, his neck, cheeks, nose and then his entire face. "Go on," prodded Chakotay. Thinking fast, he blurted out," I...um, wanted to say that *Voyager* was a...um...nudist colony, no, I--um, wanted to protest the new uniforms. Yeah--yeah, that was it. Good bye, Captain, Chakotay." He dashed off, making the whole exchange seem unreal. Both commanding officers respective jaws were open wide enough for a Nausician to climb in. Finally, Chakotay turned to Kathryn. "Did I actually see Tom Paris wearing a *tablecloth*, or am I dreaming?" asked Chakotay, still staring at the direction Tom had gone in, as if expecting him to reappear at any moment. Kathryn was unable to say anything for another couple seconds, she just shook her head in amazement. "I can't believe it." As her face crumpled, Chakotay grew alarmed. Maybe Tom had pushed over the edge, and she was having a nervous breakdown. His hand hovered near his comm badge, ready to call The Doctor in an instant, when Kathryn suddenly collapsed against the wall-----laughing her head off. She laughed and laughed, clutching her side. "Kathryn?" asked Chakotay, uncertainly. She straightened up, pushing the strands of hair that had come loose, a chuckle escaping every now and then. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. It's just that-the look on his face when he saw us-it was absolutely priceless." She burst into laughter again, bracing herself against the wall so she wouldn't collapse on the floor. Chakotay thought back to the look on the helmsman's face. The look of utter mortification, the loss of face--and clothes---in front of his commanding officers, made a large smile cross his face. Soon he was laughing as hard as his captain, and anyone who happened to be in the corridors would have hysterical laughter from coming outside Holodeck 2. ********************* Meanwhile, in the security monitoring room, Mikel Hudson huffed another bored sigh. It was times like this that he had wished he had gone into another profession. He tapped his monitor so it showed the corridor outside Holodeck 2 and the other one showed the corridor outside of Sickbay. Maybe something interesting would happen there. He waited for five minutes, staring intently at the screen. Nothing. Maybe he should do something to keep himself from falling asleep. "Hey, Ethan? You want to play some po--," he broke off abruptly when he noticed Ethan sleeping soundly, head resting on the console. "Ethan!!" Ethan's head snapped up. "What?? What is it? Do we have an intruder alert??" "No, but you're asleep while you're supposed to be on duty!" accused Mikel. Not that he could blame him for falling asleep, but still, yelling gave him something to do. Besides, if he couldn't go to sleep, neither could Ethan. "Calm down, Mik," soothed Ethan, stretching his arms and yawning. "You said yourself nothing was going to happen." "Yes, but...we're still on duty...and...you have to keep me company," sputtered Mikel. "All right," said Ethan agreeably. "What do you want to do?" "I was going to suggest playing poker, but I don't think that Tuvok would like it if he walked in and saw us dealing cards. So, we have to think of something else to do." Both of them sat deep in thought. "How 'bout we count your freckles?" Mikel teased, a smile crossing his face. Ethan hated to be reminded about his facial blemishes. "They are *not* freckles. They are kisses from angels," explained Ethan, haughtily. "My mother told me." "Sure, Ethe, you just keep dreaming." Mikel patted him condensingly on the shoulder. "And I'll get the Doctor to come see what's wrong with you." Ethan swatted his best friend's hand off of his shoulder. "My mother would never lie to me, I was the apple of her eye." "Yeah, just as much as Neelix's cooking is the most prized thing on the ship." "Well, I always did like Neelix's food, anyway," said Ethan loftily. Mikel let out a guffaw. Ethan? Like Neelix's food? He had gotten indigestion more times than...well...Captain Kirk had women. "Oh yeah, then how come your drinking hot chocolate from the replicator instead of Neelix's better than coffee substitute?" Ethan looked down at the incriminating cup in his hand, and attempted to bluff his way out of it. "I, um, ordered his coffee substance from the replicator." In one swift motion, Mikel leaned over and grabbed the cup out of his hand. "You were always bad at poker, Ethe. Why do you think I wanted to play with you?" He brought the cup up to his nose and took a deep whiff. "Mmmm, smells delicious," proclaimed Mikel. "It has to be the hot chocolate." "It does not," argued Ethan. "Maybe I changed the olfactory requirements of the replicator so it smelled like hot chocolate, but really was the coffee substitute!" Mikel took a sip of the drink, rolling it around in his mouth with an exaggerated motion, judging the taste. "Nope, this is definitely chocolate. And there's no way you could change the taste requirements and let it still be Neelix's coffee." He wagged a scolding finger at Ethan. "You should know better than to try to fool me." Ethan moaned softly and thudded his head against the bulkhead. It was going to be a long shift. ********************* On Deck 11, Tom Paris ran as if he had a group on drunken Klingons chasing him with a bat'telh. Holding his tablecloth tightly, so it wouldn't fall off and cause him anymore embarrassment, he kept going until he was sure he was well out of the Captain and Commander's way. Slumping against the wall, Tom buried his face in his hands. This was bad. Really, really bad. If he had run into the two senior officers of the ship, who knew how many more people he could bump into? *I will get you for this, my dear* vowed Tom silently to the chief engineer. But first things were first. Checking to make sure no one was in sight, he ducked into a corner, and opened the panel that led to the Jefferies Tubes. At least no one was going to come looking for him in there. ********************************** In the security monitoring room, a heated debate raged on "What do you mean, fake?" demanded Ethan, looking infuriated. "It has to be real!" "Come on, do you really think it'd be real? Look at the size of the thing!!" argued Mikel, hands gesturing wildly to show the size. "I can't believe you think it isn't authentic," said Ethan. "You were never a very good judge of things." He crossed his arms as if to say end of discussion. Mikel obviously didn't get the hint. "Of course it's fake," insisted Hudson. "Do you really think Commander Chakotay would have a real tattoo? Of course not. This is the twenty-fourth century, tattoos are passé!" Ethan was debating whether or not to come up with a retort or start to bang his head again the wall again, when he noticed a *very* unusual sight on the monitor in front of him. "Uh, Mikel?" he asked, eyes fixed to the screen. "I can't believe *you* think that the Commander's tattoo is real!," continued Mikel, "I mean--." "Mik, shut up for a minute, will you! There's something on the monitor I think you should see!!" "Just when things were starting to get interesting, " mumbled Mikel, but his curiosity got the better of him, and he leaned over. For several seconds, both ensigns stared at the monitors, their eyes glued with rapt attention as their mouths dropped open in collective astonishment. "Is that......a.....tablecloth?" asked Mikel slowly. He blinked his eyes, half hoping it was a mirage, or a hallucination. No such luck. Ethan reached out to the panel and tapped in some commands. The figure immediately filled the entire screen, clearly showing Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris, slumped against a bulkhead on Deck 11, sans his uniform, with a tablecloth tied around his waist. "I don't believe this," whispered Ethan, astonished. As a Starfleet Security Officer he had seeken out new life forms, and new civilizations, and had boldly where no one had gone before. But finding a senior officer wearing, of all things, a tablecloth was by far, the most ludicrous thing he had ever seen. "Neither do I," said Mikel, with a similar expression of bewilderment on his face. " I wished for something to happen and it did! Those old sayings really do work!" ***************************** "Shall I flog them?" Lt. Cmdr. Tuvok "If we're going to be damned, lets be damned for what we are" Captain J.L.Picard visit my Paris/Torres Fanfiction page at http://members.aol.com/SubhaR/mine.html ======== Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative Subject: NEW: Et Tu, Q? (P/T, J/C) PG 2/2 From: subhar@aol.com (SubhaR) Date: 17 Jun 1998 04:13:04 GMT -------- Et Tu, Q? Subha Rajaram (SubhaR@aol.com) Series: Voyager Rating: PG Codes: P/T, mild J/C See previous post for legal disclaimers and other babblings of author. ***************************** Kathryn Janeway braced herself against the wall, and pulled herself up. It wouldn't do to have some innocent crew member come walking through the hall way to find his/or her commanding officers on the grounds, laughing so hard they had tears running down their faces. Extending a hand, she helped Chakotay to his feet. Tugging on the bottom of his tunic, Chakotay rested against the wall, a small grin on his face. "That was---the most---unique site I've ever seen," he admitted, trying to choke down the guffaw he knew was dying to come out. "We really have to find out exactly *why* he was wearing --a tablecloth," said Kathryn, collecting the stray strands of hair that had come loose and tucking them back into her ponytail. "With Tom Paris, there's always a reason." "No matter how ridiculous," agreed Chakotay. "There are only two people who could have an explanation for this--Harry, who's on duty--or--" "B'Elanna," added Kathryn. She slapped her comm badge. "Janeway to Torres." "Torres here, Captain." "B'Elanna, we were wondering if you could give us some more details on something." B'Elanna's puzzled voice came over Janeway's comm badge. "Sure, go ahead, Captain." "Commander Chakotay and I just ran into Mr. Paris on our way to the holodeck, and he appeared to be in a big hurry to leave." "I can't imagine why, Captain," said B'Elanna. Chakotay could picture her eyes going wide with the feigned innocence. "And it appeared that he--wasn't dressed in the proper attire," continued Kathryn. "We thought you might have some *ideas* on why he's running around *Voyager* wearing nothing but a.... *tablecloth*." "That certainly is very odd, Captain," agreed B'Elanna, trying not to burst into a fit of spontaneous laughter. "And I don't have any idea on why he's doing that, but I'll talk to him when he comes back. Torres out." Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged a long look. Chakotay finally spoke up. "Do you believe her?" "Not at all." "Me too." "Well then," said Kathryn. "I think it's time we paid a visit to our talented chief engineer, don't you think?" Her eyes wide, she added," Nothing but ship's business of course." "Of course." Chakotay extended his elbow to the Captain, and she put her arm through it. "Somehow, I think this is going to be a lot more interesting than the holodeck." *************************** Mikel Hudson couldn't remove that stunned looked off his face, no matter how hard he tried. All his life, he had taught to be skeptical of the "old wives tales" and superstitions, but now--here he was, a grown man--and the old axiom, 'Be careful what you wish for, for it might come true', had come true! This was the --- "Mikel!!" screeched Ethan, waving his hand frantically in front of his partner. "Snap out of it!" "What is it?" asked Mikel, annoyed. "And why are you so red? If anybody should be red, it should be Lieutenant Paris!" Ethan looked like he was going to explode. "Where's your head? You know perfectly well it's against Starfleet regulations to go around naked!" "He's not naked," pointed out Mikel calmly. "He's wearing," he paused, trying to shove the chuckle threatening to come out his throat," a tablecloth." "It may be, but that still qualifies as indecent exposure," argued Ethan. "It's like going around the ship in your underwear! You may be wearing something, but you're not fully covered up!" "Are you sure we have to go--*arrest* a senior officer for indecent exposure?" asked Mikel, doubtfully. "Can't we just let it go? I mean, if he was going around the ship wearing...I don't know...pink laced panties, or something, we could go arrest him, but I think it would be pretty embarrassing if we have to drag the Lieutenant to the Brig for this. Besides, I have no desire to face, Lieutenant Torres' righteous wrath, and you know how protective she is about Lieutenant Paris." "The Lieutenants," began Ethan, calling Torres and Paris by the phrase he and Mikel had coined," may be dating, but we have regulations to follow. And I think Tuvok would think this is indecent exposure. Even if he isn't wearing pink laced panties." Ethan stared straight at Mikel, eyes narrowed. "And, though I have no particular death wish, we have a job to do, even if it means getting punched in the nose by Lieutenant Torres." "All right, all right," sighed Mikel. "I was the one who wanted something to happen. I just didn't think I'd have to go to Sickbay with a broken nose for it." "Good," said Ethan, turning around to exit the Security Monitoring room, when he suddenly noticed that Paris was missing from the monitor. "Mik! He's gone!" "What do you mean, he's gone?" Mikel turned back to the monitor, eyes widening when all he saw was the empty corridor. "Computer, locate the life form that was on Deck 11 without a comm badge." "Life form is now currently in the Jefferies Tubes, access point---." "That's enough," interrupted Ethan. The computer had a tendency to give too many unwanted details. "Great, now we don't only have to apprehend him for indecent exposure, but for crawling through the Jefferies Tubes with out proper authorization from Engineering!" ************** B'Elanna pushed the stray hairs out of her eyes, trying to keep the smile at bay. So Tom had run into Captain Janeway and Chakotay. She could just picture their shocked expressions. As she stood by her bed, facing the mirror, changing into her red pajamas, she couldn't help noticing that she wasn't having much success in keeping that goofy grin off her face. Balling up her uniform, and throwing it in a corner, she collapsed on the bed, her body shaking, tears streaming down her face, laughing until her side began to ache. She was on the bed, clutching her side, and wiping the tears from her cheeks when she heard the door chime. Startled, she sat up, trying to ignore the dull ache in her abdomen, and headed toward the door. "Come," called B'Elanna. The doors parted, revealing Kathryn and Chakotay peering at her curiously. "Are we disturbing you, B'Elanna?" asked Chakotay. "No, no, not at all," insisted B'Elanna, tucking her hair behind her ears, trying to present a semblance of control. She gestured toward the couch. "Come in, please." Both commanding officers took a seat, as B'Elanna sat down on the chair opposite to them. "Would you like something to drink? Coffee, Captain?" "No, thank you, B'Elanna," said Kathryn. "Actually...this is just a friendly visit." She hesitated, unsure of where to start. Or, for that matter, how to start. "We..." "Yes, I know," cut in B'Elanna, smiling. "You want to know why 'the best damned pilot' on *Voyager* is now running around *Voyager*, without his clothes." "And wearing a tablecloth," interjected Chakotay. *I will not start to laugh* B'Elanna told herself. Her stomach hurt enough. "Well, it started with this ongoing debate on literature Tom and I have............" ****************************** Security officers, Ethan Simms and Mikel Hudson strode down the corridors of *Voyager*, armed with phasers, and ready for action. "I can't believe you insisted on taking phasers," said Mikel, patting the sidearm he wore. "You really think the Lieutenant would resist?" "No, but you know how strict Lieutenant Tuvok is on matters of Starfleet protocol," explained Ethan, double checking to make sure his phaser was still securely holstered. "Yeah, well, it's moments like these that make me wish I had decided to become a scientist. I feel so ridiculous, going to arrest a senior officer for wearing a tablecloth." Ethan just gave him a look. "Regulations are regulations, Mik. Besides, think of what a great story this will make for your memoirs." "That is, of course, assuming, Lieutenant Torres lets us go alive." Mikel patted his nose. "I'm sure going to miss this old sucker. At least now I won't have to worry about smelling leola root." "Stop thinking of the worst possibilities," ordered Ethan. He stopped in front of an access panel and keyed in the security code to open it. The panel swung open, and Ethan gestured toward it. "After you." "How do you know Lieutenant Paris hasn't already gone past Deck 8?" asked Mikel, eyeing the tube warily. The last thing he wanted to do was crawl on his hands and knees only to find out that they had missed their target. "Mik, you know how long it takes to climb all these things. And with a tablecloth slowing him down, there's no way we could have missed him." He gave his partner another impatient glance. "But if we keep debating this, we just might." Mikel docilely started to make his way into the Jefferies Tube. Halfway in ,he paused and asked to no one in particular," Why do we get all the fun jobs?" **************************** Tom Paris wiped his sweaty palms against the sides of his tablecloth, and relentlessly ascended the ladder that would get him up to his deck. As he passed a junction point, he noticed the sign that said DECK 9. That was a relief. Two decks down, and six more to go. And if his adventure through the guts of *Voyager* had been peaceful thus far, it was sure to be just as simple the rest of the way. With a renewed sense of purpose, Tom stepped up his pace. The sooner he was out of the Jeffereries Tubes, and in his own quarters, with his own clothes, the quicker he could relax. And at this rate, he'd back home in no time. ************************** For the second time that night, Kathryn and Chakotay's mouths dropped open in wonderment. "You mean...Tom Paris is running around *Voyager*...wearing a *tablecloth*...because he lost a bet?" asked Chakotay, incredulously. He rested his elbows on his thighs, and scanned B'Elanna for signs of dissembling. He found none. "You know what he did when I lost a bet," said B'Elanna. "He made me eat leola root, and then he made me participate in that Klingon exercise program with the bat'leth." She shrugged, and added," It's not like he didn't have this coming." "But, Tom's no mental midget," said Janeway, brow furrowing. "He must have tried to have himself beamed out, or replicate himself a uniform." "Yes he did," admitted B'Elanna. "But, there appeared to be a computer malfunction. .and the holodeck refused to accept his commands." Chakotay's eyebrows shot up toward his hairline. "You mean you sabotaged the computer?" "Of course not!" B'Elanna was indignant. " I would never do that! It's not my fault a convenient malfunction seemed to show up at the same time." "Of course not," soothed Chakotay, with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. "So it's just happenstance that Tom was forced to wear a tablecloth so he would be able to leave the holodeck." "Exactly," said B'Elanna, firmly, letting a hint of a smile come over her face. "Well," said Kathryn amused, "hopefully, he won't run into Tuvok. Knowing him, he would probably arrest him for indecent exposure. Even though, as Captain, I do have the authority to do it myself." "It's up to you, Captain," said B'Elanna solemnly. "It's your ship." *The loyalty of a couple* thought Kathryn wryly. "I think I'll leave him be for the time being. But if he gets caught by Tuvok...I'm not going to interfere in our Security Chief's duty." "Whatever you say, Captain." B'Elanna nodded in agreement, her eyes sparkling with mischievousness that made both commanding officers realize the same thing-- *She wants him to get caught!* **************************** Tom stepped off the ladder, and onto the sides of the tube, right at a junction point where two Jefferies Tubes met. Resting against the wall, he took a deep breath, running his hand through his blond hair. The climb had taken more out of him that he had anticipated. It made him realize exactly why B'Elanna was so physically fit. As he thought more about the woman who had put him in this horrendous predicament, his mouth turned up in a half-moon shape. Despite the fact that she was the one who had done this to him, he knew she loved him just as much as he loved her. And even though her sense of humor was fairly odd at times--who else would have thought of leaving him stranded on a holodeck without any clothes-- it was part of her charm. Shaking his head to get his mind back on his trek through the bowels of *Voyager*, he breathed in deeply, sucking in as much air as he could. After all he was only on Deck 8, he still had 5 more decks to mount before he was home free. Tom stretched his arms upwards, feeling the muscles stretch, getting ready. Finally satisfied that he wouldn't pull a muscle, he wrapped his fingers around the first rung, about to pull himself up, when he heard two familiar voices ring out behind him. "Freeze!" "Don't move!" "You're under arrest!" ********************** Ethan leveled his phaser at Tom, aiming for the middle of his back. Beside him, Mikel was doing the same. For all his complaining, Mikel was a dedicated member of Starfleet Security, and would never be derelict in his duty. Or at least, Ethan hoped he wouldn't. "Turn around, slowly," ordered Mikel, his weapon unwavering. Tom turned around, letting his arms drop to his side. "Ethan, Mikel! What are you doing here?" asked Tom, trying to make it sound as if he'd bumped into them on the holodeck. Neither security officer seemed inclined to make jokes. "You are under arrest," intoned Ethan. "You will be escorted to the Brig, where we will contact Lieutenant Tuvok, who in turn, will make all the proper arrangements." "What!!??" Tom looked utterly baffled. "Why am I under arrest?" To himself, he thought, *B'Elanna must have something to do with this*. "As stated in the Starfleet Handbook of Regulations, subsection A, paragraph 4, and line 7, 'Any officer not wearing either/and or Starfleet Uniform or proper civilian attire around or in the starship or space station he/she is stationed at, can and will be arrested for indecent exposure' " recited Mikel. "And also stated in the Starfleet Handbook of Regulations, subsection C, paragraph 2, line 45: Unauthorized personnel in Jefferies Tubes can and will be arrested." Tom stared at Mikel. "You memorized the entire handbook?" "Lieutenant Tuvok is a strict teacher," deadpanned Mikel. "Now, Lieutenant, if you'd please enter the Jefferies Tube on your left, we can be on our way." He gestured toward the entrance, but Tom didn't budge. "This is ridiculous!" exclaimed Tom. "I--you can't arrest me!" "We can, and we are," said Ethan, unknowingly echoing B'Elanna's own words. He raised his eyebrows, and nodded toward the tube. "Either you go willingly, or we will be forced to stun, and drag you through the corridors ourselves." Tom looked like he wanted to protest, but he shut his mouth, and crawled into the Jefferies Tube. *Why me?* he wondered. *WHY???* **************************************** Tom felt like an imbecile as walked down the corridor flanked by Ethan and Mikel. Someone might think that he had tried to access restricted files, or steal something, with all precautions the Ensigns were taking to prevent him from escaping. Where would he go if he escaped, anyway? A man wearing a tablecloth is pretty easy to find, especially on a ship this size. Mikel struggled to keep from snickering. Lieutenant Paris had looked ridiculous wearing that cloth on the monitors, but in person, he looked much more laughable. Apparently the tablecloth had been long enough horizontally--too long, because it was wrapped around his waist about ten times, making him seem bulky and uncoordinated. But it wasn't long enough vertically, coming up to mid-thigh, reminding Mikel of the women's uniform's on the old Constitution class vessels. Not to mention an extremely large diaper. As he glanced out the corner of his eye, he noticed Ethan staring straight ahead with a staid expression. Mikel admired his ability to remain serious until he noticed the edges of Ethan's mouth begin to twitch, and his eyes were gleaming brightly. Apparently, even his best friend couldn't remain stoic. Tom's brain was running a riot. After all, as he had told himself earlier, he was a Paris, and Paris' didn't give up easily. There had to be some way to get out of this. He had managed to figure out a way out of the holodeck. But of course, that hadn't turned out exactly as planned. "You know, you guys made a very big mistake, arresting me," began Tom, conversationally. Mikel rubbed his nose, and said," We were just doing our job." "Yes, well, I had permission to crawl through the Jefferies Tube," bluffed Tom, praying that what little poker skills he had would come into play. "From whom?" demanded Ethan. "Who else, but my beautiful girlfriend, Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres?" Tom directed a thought to whatever deities might have been watching over him. *Don't let them doubt me!* "That doesn't explain why you're going around wearing a tablecloth," said Mikel, skeptically. "It was a bet...that I,um, lost with," Tom searched for a name frantically," Ensign Parsons. He made me wear this, and B'Elanna said I could crawl through the Jefferies Tubes." "I only have one question." Ethan lifted an eyebrow, eyeing the older man. "That is?" "Why'd you make a bet with Parsons? Everyone knows what a big hustler he is." Ethan was still scrutinizing him, but Tom let out a mental sigh, and a thanks to whatever gods were watching out for him. This kind of question he could handle. "I let Neelix give me that blue wine we picked up on Altair Prime," explained Tom. "It went straight to my head--and I wasn't it my right mind when I made that bet." Ethan considered this for a while. "Makes sense. I suppose we could excuse you this once without mentioning it to Lieutenant Tuvok--as long as he doesn't find out. What do you think, Mikel?" "No." Both men blinked in surprise. "What do you mean, no?" asked Ethan, perplexed. Of both of them, Mikel should have been the most grateful that Lieutenant Torres would have no reason to smash their noses into oblivion. "Something doesn't sound right about the whole story," said Mikel, gazing at Tom with such intensity that Tom wanted to look anywhere but at Mikel. "I think we should ask Lieutenant Torres herself." Tom felt his heart sink down to his boots--or at least, where his boots would have been if B'Elanna hadn't taken them with her. Apparently whatever deities had been looking out for his welfare had decided to revoke the privilege. *********************** Chakotay and Kathryn stood by the exit to B'Elanna's quarters looking slightly uncertain. "Thanks for dropping by, Captain, Commander," said B'Elanna, looking quite pleased with herself. "It was no trouble at all, B'Elanna," said Kathryn. "After all, how could I resist not finding out why Tom was streaking around *Voyager* with a tablecloth?" ` Chakotay opened his mouth to say something, but a chirp from B'Elanna's comm badge interrupted him. "Hudson to Torres." B'Elanna looked startled, and hit her comm badge. "Torres here. What is it, Ensign?" "Lieutenant, did you authorize anyone to go into the Jefferies Tubes?" Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged glances. This conversation had all the clues that pointed directly to Tom Paris. "No, Carey's on duty in Engineering, and anything that needed repairing we fixed weeks ago. Why?" asked B'Elanna, but she had already come to same conclusion as Captain Janeway and Chakotay. Mikel's voice, tinged with amusement filtered over her comm badge," We found Lieutenant Paris crawling through them, and he said that he had your permission. Apparently, we'll have to add forging orders to the list of charges against him." "Really?" remarked B'Elanna. One would never be able to tell that she was dating the perpetrator, she sounded as if she could have been talking about a distant acquaintance. "I assume you're taking him to the Brig?" "Yes." "Good. I'll meet you down there. I want to have a talk with the man who was infiltrating my territory. Torres out." She turned to face the other two officers, who were staring at her with a look of absolute incomprehension. "If you'll excuse me, I'd better change back into uniform." "Of course," said Chakotay, still staring at her, befuddled. He stepped towards the doors, which hissed open, waiting for him to pass through. "I'll see you on duty tomorrow." "Goodbye, Lieutenant," said Kathryn, with the same look of perpetual shock on her face. She stepped through the doors with Chakotay, and the doors mercifully slid shut before they could see B'Elanna fall on the floor, howling with laughter. ************************ Mikel turned to Tom, who was standing there with a look of bewilderment on his face. "Apparently, Lieutenant, your girlfriend must have a very short memory, because she has no recollection of giving you permission to go through the Jefferies Tubes." Ethan looked almost as shocked as Tom. "I'm surprised at you, Lieutenant Forging orders is a definite no-no in the handbook of Starfleet Regulations. Apparently, you're a higher security risk then we originally anticipated." He upholstered his phaser, aiming at Tom. "One wrong move, Lieutenant, and I won't hesitate to shoot." Mikel prodded a still shell-shocked Tom Paris forward. "Keep moving, Lieutenant The sooner we get you to the Brig, the better." Tom wanted to bang his head against the wall. This was a like a very, very, very cruel joke. Apparently, B'Elanna sense of humor had decided to go wacko. For the millionth time that day, he wondered *WHY ME??!!* *********************** B'Elanna entered the brig, and as soon as she did, a welcome picture came into view. Tom was behind the elctro-static force field, pacing and muttering under his breath, while Mikel and Ethan stood as the security station, padd in hand, compiling a report for Tuvok. "All right, Ensigns," said B'Elanna, startling the two. Mikel and Ethan leaped to attention. "Yes, ma'am?" asked Ethan. "Leave us alone for a minute." B'Elanna nodded toward the Brig from where Tom was staring at her with an irritated look. Both nodded, and holstering their phasers, they left the room. The security officers both knew the engineer was more than capable of taking care of herself. Tom glared at her as she stood two centimeters away from the force field. "I can't believe you did that to me!!!" "Did what? You're the one who decided to crawl through *my* Jefferies Tubes?" Tom looked about ready to explode, which was a great change from his normal, calm demeanor. "But you *stole* all my clothes!" "True," admitted B'Elanna. For the first time she examined his tablecloth and her mouth dropped open. "You actually wore that around the ship?" "I HAD NO CHOICE!" he screeched. B'Elanna managed to stifle her laughter. "Of course you didn't, Tom--ahh!" she cried, clutching her head between her hands. It felt as if someone was trying to pull something, some part of her out. As if a piece of string had gotten stuck in her head, and someone was yanking it back out. In a couple seconds, the pain subsided, and B'Elanna felt as if something had changed. Tom's annoyance vanished the instant he saw B'Elanna was in pain. "B'Elanna! Are you all right?" he demanded, wishing the force field wasn't up so he could go to her. B'Elanna lifted her head up and stared at him in confusion for a minute. "Yeah, I'm fine...what are you doing--! What did I do?" she shrieked. She tapped in some commands on the control panel on the wall next to his cell, and the force field flickered and vanished. B'Elanna looked absolutely horrified. "I can't believe I left you stranded on the holodeck!" "Neither can I," said Tom, ruefully, stepping outside the cell block. "Torres to Hudson and Simms, get back in here!" ordered B'Elanna. Mikel and Ethan were inside before she finished issuing her orders. Tuvok had them trained well. "Yes, Lieutenant?" asked Mikel. If either of them were surprised to see Tom outside the force field, they didn't show it. "I want all charges against Lieutenant Paris, dropped. I forgot that I did order Tom...to use the Jefferies Tube." "But, Lieutenant," protested Ethan," What about the fact that he's wearing a tablecloth? That's a direct violation of--" "Stuff it, Ensign," ordered B'Elanna. "That is a classified matter, and if you want, take it up with Captain Janeway. Right now, I am ordering you to drop all charges. If you want to take this matter up with her, then, by all means, go ahead. But I am leaving, and I am taking Tom with me." And without another word, she grabbed Tom by the arm, and yanked him out the door. Mikel and Ethan stood in a stunned silence for a very long time. "I don't believe it," moaned Ethan. "All that for nothing." "Hey, at least we didn't spend a boring shift watching the monitors," offered Mikel, joyous now that he was sure his nose would stay in tact. "Next time, Mik, really be careful what you wish for. I don't want to go through something like this just 'cause you're bored!" ********* The second Tom and B'Elanna entered the turbolift, she turned her pleading eyes upon him "I'm sorry, Tom, I have no idea what made me do that." There was no way Tom could say mad looking into that beautiful face. "All right, I believe you," he said. He held up a finger. "But if you do it again....." "I won't," she promised gravely. Then she hugged him. "You are the most understanding man I've ever met." "I know," said Tom, smugly. "But would you mind telling me...why you did it?" "That's what I don't understand! I don't know why! It's like someone was telling me to do it!" B'Elanna sighed in frustration. "It's okay," soothed Tom, pulling her into his arms. "As long as it doesn't happen again." ************ While Tom and B'Elanna were in the turbolift, a small figure stood on top of *Voyager*, giggling down on them. A sudden familiar flash of light startled the little figure. "Q," scolded Q. "I was looking all over the cosmos for you!" "Sorry, Daddy," apologized Baby Q. "But I didn't want to clean up my quadrant like Mommy said, so I decided to be like you and come visit the obtuse pieces of flotsam you told me about!" He smiled proudly. Q beamed with paternal pride. "So you're taking after me, eh? I knew you would. So tell me, Q, what have you done today?" "Well," began Baby Q," I decided that they could be my puppets!" "Puppets?" asked Q. "Yeah, Daddy! My puppets! I made that little one with the ridges on her forehead do bad things to be the one Mommy calls Helmboy! And then, I made the other two people do bad things to the Helmboy too!" "Really?" asked Q. "My boy, today you have made me the proudest member of the Q Continuum! I think I'll make you your very own star system, but first I think I want you to come visit someone else and play puppets with him. His name is Worf...." And in another burst of bright light, Q and Baby Q vanished, off to cause chaos in other parts of the galaxy. ********************** All comments to SubhaR@aol.com http://members.aol.com/SubhaR/mine.html "Shall I flog them?" Lt. Cmdr. Tuvok "If we're going to be damned, lets be damned for what we are" Captain J.L.Picard visit my Paris/Torres Fanfiction page at http://members.aol.com/SubhaR/mine.html