Quick Search  Power Search  Search Filter  Interest Finder  Browse Groups  Post Message ------------------------------------------------------------------------  Article 1 of 32Text Only   Help Previous Article Next Article Current Results View Thread Post Message Subject: Don Q(uixote) de la Continua From: homespon@aol.com (Homespon) Date: 1997/07/31 Message-Id: <19970731010700.VAA26282@ladder02.news.aol.com> Newsgroups: alt.fan.q [More Headers] This is a silly thing I wrote for my birthday, but then I thought you guys might enjoy it. If you like this sort of thing, check out my website (and holonovels) at http://members.aol.com/Homespon/Bloodfe.html Sorry, but this probably won't be any fun at all if you don't know "Man of la Mancha." A theatre marquee reads "Highlights from Don Q(uixote) de la Continua" The audience quiets as the curtain sweeps back. Wearing rusty armor and holding a broken sword (all of which he manages to make look like the height of fashion), Q steps front and center stage and announces, "I shall impersonate -- a man! Come, enter into my imagination and see him...puny humanoid, though somewhat buff...eyes that burn with the fire of inner vision way beyond your ability to comprehend...He conceives the strangest project ever imagined: to sally forth into this theatre and give our little author a birthday present. His name: Don Q(uixote) de la Continua!" Cue Music. Q strides about the stage, showering all with his grand presence. Julia Houston, dressed in peasant's clothes, joins him on stage and stands smiling nervously at his side. He pretty much ignores her as he sings: Hear me now, oh thou barely evolved little world! Thou art gauche and as dull as can be! But a Q with his lips and brow sneeringly curled Will hurl down an insult to thee! I am I, Don Q(uixote), The Q guy on Star Trek, Rick Berman, he calls and I show! And the wild spikes in ratings Shall follow this guest star, Yes, even when the episode might blow! Even though the episode might blow, For Berman or Taylor I show! Julia walks forward and sings in a voice that could cut glass: I'm Sancha! Yes, I'm Sancha! I'd follow this Q guy till the end. I'd tell even Starfleet proudly, I'm his squire, I'm his friend. Q steps directly in front of her and belts out. Hear me, Trekkies, and Trekkers, and non-Trekkers too! Oh, your meaningless lives make me laugh! So another Trek parody I offer to you! Don't like it? I'm Q! Kiss my ass! Q and Julia sing together: I am I, Don Q(uixote), The Q guy on Star Trek,///////////////////////I'm Sancha! Rick Berman, he calls and I show!////////Yes, I'm Sancha! And the wild spikes in ratings///////////////I'd follow this Q guy till the end Shall follow this guest star////////////////////I'd tell even Starfleet proudly, Even when the episode might blow!///////I'm his squire, I'm his friend. Even though the episode might blow, For Berman or Taylor I (he) show(s)! The audience applauds wildly and there's a quick scene change to the village square. Janeway walks out in her prostitute's outfit to another round of applause as the men, all of them wearing various "I Grock Spock" and "Data is Fully Functional" T-shirts over their peasant's clothes, eye her with lust. Her face is hard and her expression proclaims that she's seen it all and probably done it all...for a price. Q and Julia have retired to the back of the stage to watch. The men dance around Janeway, who has taken center stage, as they sing: We want action! Rifle packin'! We come to this show for action! Janeway sneers as she sings: Anomalies are like each other, I don't know which Trek script to blame! Time/Space warps, rifts, loops, oh brother! They're all the same! It's all the same! One of the man leeringly whispers, "Hey, rerun "Macrocosm,'" even as she continues: This I have learned, that when the show's done, No nebula burns special flame! We'll prove to you with all our lack of fun, They're all the same. It's all the same. So do not talk to me of awe! I've seen it all, least once or twice! Yes, we are stuck in outer space. Kazons are bad, robots aren't nice! Anomalies are like each other, I don't know which Trek script to blame! Time/Space warps, rifts, loops, oh brother! They're all the same! It's all the same! Oh, I have seen too many Borg! Where I can I get a good cup of joe? Want me to blast them with photons? Phasers on kill. Hey, what's one mo'? I do not like being called "Sir," "Hey, you!" and "Queen" are also bad. I am just I, Kathryn Janeway, Don't make me mad. Don't make me mad! Anomalies are like each other. They're all the same! It's all the same! "Go Kathryn!" the men shout. Janeway sweeps her skirts back in a dramatic bow. The audience cheers and hoots as they applaud. The music now changes to the big love song of the show, and Janeway looks lovely and noble in the light, but Q comes downstage quickly and cuts off the orchestra. Julia bites her tongue, but Q can sense her disappointment. "Sorry," Q says, "I'll dress up and I'll play nice, but I'm not singing 'Dulcinea' to Kathy." "I'm never inviting you to dinner again!" Janeway snaps. Q looks hurt, then stomps off stage. Cue music as Janeway turns to Julia and demands, "Why do you follow him?" Julia thinks a minute (as long as the song intro lasts, anyway), then responds, "Oh, that's easy to explain. It's because...because..." Janeway holds up her hands. "Why?" Julia sings: I like him. I really like him. Feed my organs to the Vidiians. I like him! I don't have much to offer. There's no good beer left in my fridge or gold in my coffers. But there's nothing to be lost! It's fanfiction -- worth the cost! It's my stage! My webpage! Doc's best show Was "The Phage." And I like him! "But what do you get out of it?" Janeway asks in exasperation as Q quietly returns to the stage. "What do I get? Why already I've gotten...I've gotten..." "You've got nothing! Why do you do it?" Julia sings: I like him. I really like him. Fling me naked at some Kazon warship! I like him! Don't ask me why I giggle, Everytime he makes a comment, sneer or wiggle! When he says we're ape-like toads! What I drink comes out my nose! Since he froze Tasha Yar, Who was killed By some tar, I could tell Q's a star, And for him, I'll go far, 'Cause I like him!!! The music ends to a round of applause, and Janeway shrugs before retiring upstage just as the new song begins. This puzzles Julia, since it's "Why Do You Do These Things?" and she thought Janeway/Dulcinea would sing it. Q has other plans, however, and the stage grows almost dark before a spotlight shines down on Picard, wearing his black and gray uniform, standing alone at the side of the stage, lost in thought. The music swells, and Picard sings softly at first, almost to himself. Why do you do the things you do? Why do you do these things? Why do you put me through such silly tests? Am I not more than the butt of your jests? What changed you from bad into good in year three? And what do you want of me? What do you want of me? Why do you do the things you do? Why do you do these things? Why do you keep showing up in my bed? Is it the light shining off of my head? Come now, you know that on Trek we can't be Quite what you may want to be! So what do you want of me? Q, it's not good, Turning captains into Robin Hood. And why do you hate Beverly, If you're thinking as you should? Why do you do the things you do? Why do you do these things? So back off, I'm saying, let's just be pals. Did you see the letters when Dax kissed that gal? Talk about football and kiss your Suzy! You'll never be more to me! So what do you want...of me? Wild applause greets the end of the song. Picard bows with regal thoroughness and exits. Q sweeps downstage in disgust, calling after Picard, "You scene-stealer! This is supposed to be Julia's present, not your chance to protect your image! Besides, you just wait until my agent works out the movie deal, then you'll see who's the Q around here!" He turns to his sidekick. "Having a good time, my dear?" Julia nods and then steps back as the first bars of a familiar song swell up from the orchestra pit. Q puts on his best noble pose and sings: 'To dream the impossible dream,' Oh please! there is no such thing! For Q there's nothing too awesome, Of all that I see I am king! 'To right the unrightable wrong,' Is also quite silly and base. It's done with the snap of a finger. That's right, I transcend time and space! So what's the fun in being around you? You people are hopeless. And I'm such a star! To think that I'm here When I could be out there! I'm stuck in a recurring role, Hey man, life's just not fair! But I know if I'll only be good, To UPN long enough, That I'll get my fair shot in the end, Where I'll strut my stuff. And Star Trek will be better for this That one Q, scorned and covered with scars, Still strove, though surrounded by mortals, To reach...his own show where he'll star!!!!! A standing ovation rocks the theatre with thunderous applause, and Q takes several bows as cries of "Encore" begin, first hesitantly, then urgently, demanding more. Q's hands raise and there is a sudden hush before the opening bars of "Dulcinea" rise from the pit. Julia looks around wildly, but the stage is clear now of all but herself and Tom Paris, who stands looking lovely and noble in the light. Julia misses her cue slightly, but sings as best she can: I have watched thee too long, Never wrote thee or stalked thee, But ogle thee and wish I could flirt. It's little that I ask, Just once, during sweeps, Could you please fight someone and rip off your shirt? Thomas Paris! Thomas Paris! I think "dreamboat" when I see thee, Thomas Paris! And thy name is cool, that is, without the "Eugene." Thomas Paris. Thomas Paris. While Paris is basking in the praise of this song, Julia moves slightly behind him, so he doesn't see the Klingon pain stick she produces from her peasant's clothes. And she sings, she moves closer before finally jabbing him with the tip of the sick. If I reach out to thee (*Jab!* Paris shrieks in pain) Do not tremble and shrink (*Jab!*) From the touch of this stick in thy side. (*Jab!*) An unconscious Paris now falls to the floor. Julia smiles at Q who's laughing in the wings. Oh yes, thank you Q, I feel so much better, You really are God! Thomas Paris! Thomas Paris! Who's got the upper hand now, little helmboy? And thy name is kinda cool without the "Eugene." Thomas Paris. Thomas Paris. Yes, you're cute but I didn't like being in your little scenario! Thomas Paris! Thomas Paris! The music turns soundly loud and harsh as B'Elanna Torres storms on stage. Julia backs off, holding her pain stick out defensively, but Torres only has eyes for Paris, whom she kneels beside to cradle in her arms as she croons: Thomas Paris! Thomas Paris! I think "dreambite" when I see thee, Thomas Paris! And thy name is cool with or without the "Eugene." Thomas Paris. Thomas Paris. The audience goes wild with applause as a dejected Julia and a somewhat nauseated Q close the curtains between the crowd and the lovers. "I'm afraid my present hasn't gone quite as planned," Q tells her. Julia shrugs, smiles, and pats Q on the arm. "It's been lovely. Thank you so much." Q snaps his fingers. "I know! I forgot the cake!" And on stage swarms everyone who ever made an appearance on any Star Trek episode ever. There's Kirk and Data and that belly dancer everyone thought Scotty stabbed and Kira and Flynt and the two different guys who played Newton and Chekov and Five and Seven and Third of Five and 19,976 of 5,498,436 (who's holding the cake), and just everyone...except Leonard Nimoy, who begged off with the excuse that he had a conflicting appointment with Jesus Christ. A little off-key and unrehearsed, they all manage to belt out with enthusiasm: Happy Birthday to you! You live in a zoo! You evolved from a monkey! And you look like one too! And Julia blows out her candles. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Previous  |  Next  |  Results  |  View Thread  |  Author Profile  |  Post Message  |  Post Reply  |  Send Email ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright © 1995-97 Deja News, Inc. All rights reserved.