Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.fan.q Path: news.ksu.ksu.edu!news.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!library.ucla.edu!psgrain!qiclab.scn.rain.com!europa.com!news From: mercutio@europa.com (Mercutio) Subject: All's Fair in Q and War (TNG, 01/01) Message-ID: Sender: news@europa.com Nntp-Posting-Host: mite.europa.com Organization: Europa |||| Portland, OR X-Newsreader: WinVN 0.93.11 Mime-Version: 1.0 Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 22:57:42 GMT Lines: 930 Xref: news.ksu.ksu.edu alt.startrek.creative:22427 alt.fan.q:1309 The usual disclaimers apply here. Paramount owns all the characters and will hunt me down at their leisure later, I'm sure. If you liked it, I'd love to hear to from you. If you didn't, let me know as well and I'll try to make the next one better. (Or get really depressed and go hide in the bedroom eating ice cream. Either one.) All's Fair in Q and War Picard sat comfortably ensconced in his quarters, reading a Shakespeare play over again. He adored the Bard, and found a light comedy like "Much Ado About Nothing" amusing after a long and trying day. Two interdepartmental quarrels, a fluctuation in the warp drive, and -- Beverly was still avoiding him, both of them dancing around the subject of the kiss they'd shared on the holodeck. Definitely a night to lose himself in a romantic comedy of errors. He was just at Benedick's entrance, when he caught a flash of light out of the corner of his eye. Inwardly he groaned, as he realized that his quiet evening and possibly his entire week, had just been ruined. "You've got to help me, Jean-Luc." "This is a first, Q." "You've got to help me get her to like me." "Who?" "Ozma. Lieutenant Deshanya." Picard groaned. "Q, please, I have no time for this." "Galaxies to conquer, Romulan Praetors to subdue, yes, yes, I know the routine. But this is more important than your trivial human concerns." "No, Q, it's not." Q slung his legs over the armrest. "Surely you could help me if you wanted." Picard sighed. There was no way to get rid of Q if he didn't want to go. "That *is* the meaning of omnipresent." Q started peeling an apple. "Why don't you talk to Counsellor Troi or Guinan? Either of them would be far more able to help you than I." Q sat up. "A helpful suggestion. How unusual. Why thank you, Captain." He tossed the half peeled apple to Picard and disappeared in his characteristic burst of light. Picard caught the apple reflexively, dropping his book on the floor and cursing under his breath. Why hadn't he transferred Deshanya off his ship while he had the chance? **** "Q! Get out of here!" "Guinan. Why, how lovely you look this evening. As good tempered as ever, I see." She glared at him. "Would you believe that the good captain himself sent me to you?" Guinan's face dropped. Quickly she confirmed this, then turned back to Q. "Well, what do you want?" Q rematerialized on a stool. "A drink, for starters." **** Q sat moodily on a stool at the end of the bar, Guinan resting her elbows on the counter across from him. She disliked the omnipotent, omniannoying entity, but this time, she was fascinated despite herself. "She'd never want to see me again." "Don't you know what she thinks about you?" "Of course I do. She thinks I'm a conceited, pompous twit whose only use for people is as entertainment, or possibly as a light snack before dinner." Guinan regarded him, amused. "She likes you." "Really, Guinan." "Well, you *are* here, obsessing about Elaine, wanting her to pay attention to you. If you were human, I'd say you were in love." "I'm *hardly* human." His tone was colder than the frost on his glass. "Love?! Ack! What would I do with a soggy human emotion like love? Where would you get an idea like that! I don't need anyone. I am Q." "If you don't love her, then why do you want her?" "She's entertaining." "A play toy, then. And how does Elaine feel about this?" He shrugged. "I couldn't get her to go away with me last time. I asked nicely, too." Guinan could imagine what Q's idea of asking nicely was. "Maybe she doesn't want to be a play toy for the Q." "That's all she's good for. She should be honored that one of my greatness is taking notice of someone from her inferior species at all." "Yeah, that's a line that's really going to work." "Think so?" "No." "Oh. What do I do?" "Tell her how you feel. How you really feel." "That's boring." "That's what will work." Q looked up, a light in his eyes. "Ah, yes. A pleasing lie to win the heart of the fair maiden." Guinan rolled her eyes. "No, Q. What you just told me." "I don't want her in love with me. That would be tedious. I just want her..." Guinan interrupted. "To worship you and fall at your feet." "No! Not that! Not again." Guinan was interested. "Really, Q? What do you mean by 'again'?" He squirmed uncomfortably. "She did that the last time I was here." "She did?" Guinan asked. "And you *didn't* like it?" She reached out and touched Q lightly on the forehead. "You don't *feel* feverish." He swatted impatiently at her hand. "She didn't mean it. And I hated it." "Q, all I can say is 'Be yourself'." "Stop trying to get rid of me, and be serious." "I *am* serious. That's the best romantic advice there is, to just be yourself. If she likes you, it'll be because of who you are. And if she doesn't like you, you probably wouldn't have been happy together anyway." A determined light came into his eyes. "I'll do it." **** Picard contacted Guinan later that same evening. "Guinan, just out of curiosity, what advice did you give Q?" "Be yourself." Picard covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh, no." ***** Deshanya sat at her console in Engineering, watching the numbers comprising the current readings on the interior of the warp core flow by her. She wasn't really interested in them, and blinked her eyes, afraid she'd fallen asleep when the numbers started getting strange. Each of the 0's looked like Q's. A second look convinced her she hadn't been seeing things. They really were Q's. Which meant... "Slow, my dear. Very slow. You'll have to improve on that time." She turned. Q was standing behind her, dressed as a track coach and holding a stop watch in one long fingered hand. "5.7 seconds. If you can't make it down to 2 seconds, you're off the team." In spite of herself, she grinned widely. "Q!" "On good terms with any other gods?" "No other letters of the alphabet either. Although I have been getting some interesting letters from someone calling himself R. A relative of yours, maybe?" He sneered at her, then blinked out, reappearing clad in an elegant 18th century Earth nobleman's costume. Lace at his wrists, legs tightly clad in breeches. He was quite a sight. Deshanya ogled him appreciately. He elegantly peeled one kid glove off, then slapped her across the cheek. "I challenge you to a duel." The glove disappeared, and suddenly, he was holding a sword. "En garde!" Elaine did not appear to be daunted. Instead, her eyes sparkled. "I believe, as the challenged party, that *I* have the choice of weapons. Name your seconds, sirrah." He ignored her, moving the tip of his sword to touch her throat. "Draw." Deshanya felt a sword appear by her side, but ignored it, leaning back in her chair, and swiveling to put her feet up on a nearby console. Commander LaForge would have a fit if he saw her now. "No, I don't think so," Deshanya said. "I have the right as the challenged to decide how the duel is fought. If you won't play my way, I won't play." Her demeanor was determinedly casual, but her eyes were cold. He stopped, balked. His expression hardened, then his lips curled in an awful smile. "Oh, really?" **** Deshanya hung suspended in a dank castle tower, her wrists held by a bored Q, and her body dangling in the air. She looked below. Twenty feet down was a murky pool of water. As she watched, an alligator leaped up, jaws snapping. The only thing keeping her from falling into that pit was the whim of a god who wasn't too pleased with her at the moment. She looked up at him, for the first time, truly afraid of him. "You weren't thinking about dropping me, were you?" "You guessed," he said in a mock-disappointed voice. He released her wrist and she fell screaming down the narrow shaft. She hit the frigid water hard, her head snapping back with a tremendous crack, then going under. She flailed her arms wildly, trying to get to the surface, to get some air into her lungs. As she knifed to the surface, she felt something huge and leathery brush her leg, and then the alligator was there in front of her, the horrible rows of teeth snapping at her, his long reptilian body rolling and shoving her back under the surface of that cold death. She sucked in one last breath and got only water. She choked, trying to cough and breathe at the same time and... Suddenly she was warm and dry, her neck in no pain, and once again hanging in mid-air, her wrists held firmly in Q's iron grasp. "Anything you want to say to me, my dear?" Q asked lazily. Her mind was in shock. She couldn't comprehend what had just happened. "You're... cruel." "Such a narrow, restricted _human_ way of thinking of it. Pity." He dropped her. And she fell again, helpless to save herself. This time, the alligator took a chunk out of her leg before rolling her under the surface. Screaming with pain and choking on the filthy water, she blacked out, coming conscious suspended again, only Q's grasp to keep her from falling another time. **** And then, after a seeming eternity of drowning and falling, with her soul colder than her shuddering body, she was swathed up to her ears in a warm fluffy blanket. Strong arms held her, cradling her close. Light flooded her, searching out all the dark, hurt places and warming the chill. She was safe. She turned inward, burying her face against the conveniently offered chest and sobbing fiercely, as the frozen parts began to melt and the full impact of her plunges into death hit her. He rocked her comfortingly, soft lips pressing themselves to her forehead, a gentle hand stroking her hair reassuringly. A spicy, golden warmth seemed to ooze from him, surrounding her and solacing her. Deshanya continued to cry, vulnerable and unable to stop it, the sobs racking her fiercely, until her body stopped shaking and the trembling had gone out of her hands. She mopped her face with a corner of the blanket. "Will you give in to me now?" he asked quietly, his voice a dark intrusion cutting into her barely renewed sense of self. She looked up, shocked, and met Q's mocking eyes. His kindness had all been just another ploy. "Never." **** Deanna Troi sat there in a chair, eyes wide and pleading. "Elaine, help me! You don't know what he's doing to me! It's horrible." She screamed. Deshanya flung herself down next to Troi. "What are you doing to her?" she asked Q. He examined his fingernails. "Nothing much." Deanna was sobbing. "Elaine, make him stop! It... it's unspeakable." Deshanya glared up at Q. "Q. You can't do this." "Why, my dear, you know how to make me stop." She opened her mouth, about to make a deal with the devil, when Troi spoke again. "It's horrible. The fat man is always bossing the thin one around and the thin one is so much smarter. Oh, his pain, his pain. Laurel, I feel with you." Deshanya looked up at Q, and started to grin. "Laurel and Hardy?" "Damn." **** She opened her eyes to find herself lying flat on a large, soft bed with a pink satin bedspread. Cool air was blowing through the room, causing the gauzy draperies to billow gracefully. It was by far the most beautiful place she'd been in yet. Q must have something truly horrible planned. She tried to sit up, and found herself bound hand and foot to the bed. She glanced over at the rope binding her right arm to the bedpost. The rope was padded and covered with a pink silk material matching the bedspread. Very pretty, although it clashed with her uniform. Then she noticed that, although she appeared to be dressed, her feet felt oddly cold. She looked down. Her feet were bare. Q lounged at the end of the bed, completely at his ease, twirling a pink feather in his hands. She looked at the lazy grin in his eyes and immediately her feet began to twitch, even though he hadn't started yet. "Oh, dear." "Anything to say to me, my dear Elaine?" He ran the feather down the arch of her foot, and she jerked involuntarily away. She shook her head. "Nothing other than the usual begging and pleading." The feather stroked her soles again, causing her to whimper. She needed to laugh. She needed to scratch her feet. She needed to tie Q down and do this to him. His knowing eyes stared mercilessly into hers, his mouth amused. "Shall we see how creative your begging can get?" **** And then after an eternity of giggling and tickle torture, none of which moved her one whit closer to agreeing to do things Q's way, they were in her quarters. It apparently hadn't occured to Q yet that each time he tried to forcibly persuade her to do things his way that he was only convincing her that his way was bad. She examined her surroundings. Everything in place. She was in her own clothes, and free to move. She looked suspiciously at Q. "What now?" "What would you like?" he asked. She shook her head, and then grinned. She'd won. He'd given up. She glided up to him and hugged him. "The game is Capture the Flag, the flag being myself and your team captain. The playing ground is the ship," Deshanya rattled off the terms quickly. Q folded his arms and smiled thinly. "Why don't you just give up now, then? You don't have a chance, you know." "Capture their leader," she looked at him. "Not you." He affected a wounded look. "Why not?" "Are you willing to stick to human limitations?" "Human?" he said in a voice like he'd just stepped in a pile of shit. "Yep." "No." "Well, then. I guess it'll have to be some other leader, won't it?" He glared at her, and she knew he'd conceded the point. She moved on. "Are there any rules, or were you just planning on changing them as we go along to ensure that I lose?" He raised his eyebrows reprovingly. "The game will be perfectly fair." "Which means you're planning on cheating. Can't we just agree on a few ground rules?" "Such as?" "No taking away the computer from me, or any powers I possess. No direct interference from you to tip the game balance either way. No granting the powers of the Q to the other side." His eyes glinted. "Is that all?" She studied him carefully. "I want your promise that you'll play fair. By my definition." "Done!" That was too easy. He had something up his sleeve. "And I want the game refereed by Captain Picard." His face twisted into a mock-pout. "You don't trust me?" "Should I?" "Of course. I'm scrupulously fair and just." "So?" "Oh, all right. If it's the only way you'll play." **** The opposition arrived by shuttlecraft. She'd expected a direct beam in, close to her own location, even within the holodeck. Q was making this too easy for her. He had something planned. Deshanya watched this disembarkation from her command post in the holodeck. The opposition were of no race she recognized. Short, vaguely humanoid, but all dressed as Roman centurions with their captain out in front wearing a purple plume on his helmet. Quietly, she issued a command to the computer to fill the compartment with gas. "No authorization to perform that command." "Drat." She touched her comm badge. "Deshanya to Picard." "Picard here." "Captain, could you please tell the computer to authorize me to do whatever I want to the ship below deck 5?" "Understood. Picard out." "Computer, perform the last command when I have authorization to do so." She waited patiently, and was finally rewarded with a display of the shuttle compartment's occupants falling to the floor unconscious. All one of him. "Drat, drat, drat." It had taken too long to get the authorization. She'd missed him. She had the compartment sealed off immediately, trapping the one she'd caught within. The rest of the boarding party was skirmishing forward through the ship, searching side compartments as they went. Deshanya gave the computer another command, and suddenly four more of the party were trapped, this time stuck in the corridor, between two invisible force fields. The boarding party jabbered to themselves in a language which the universal translator refused to handle. "Pleased at how easily you're winning?" a silkily annoying voice said into her ear. She smiled slightly and shook her head. "Worried." "Wise of you. You should be." She didn't look around. The console's reflective surface had shown her clearly that there was no one behind her. She'd whittled their numbers down. But she'd have to allow at least their captain to come to her, or she'd have to leave the holodeck, which she didn't want to do. **** "Captain Picard, do you honestly expect me to believe that an omnipotent being has commandeered your ship for *war* games?" Picard swallowed hard, trying to convince the Starfleet Admiral on the viewscreen below him. "Yes, sir." The admiral laughed scoffingly. "Picard, if your ship isn't at Starbase 12 by 2400 hours tomorrow, I'll send the Excelsior after you. And you better pray your war games are real then." The connection was severed. Picard turned back to his bridge, looking at the rioting and merrymaking going on. Riker had a half-naked Orion woman "sitting" on his lap, while Deanna... Picard averted his gaze gentlemanly. A congo line was snaking around past Worf's console, the line growing longer as the turbolift opened to disgorge even more partyers. He could see the admiral's point. Picard returned to his ready room, easing an inebriated lieutenant commander, dressed only her uniform tunic, out of his chair. He'd thought the bridge would be a more dignified place to make his plea to the admiral, but it was not so. He sighed, glancing at the couple lying entwined on the couch. His whole crew was drunk on whatever it was Q had given them. All of them except himself and Lieutenant Deshanya. And he had a responsibility to the lieutenant to see her match with Q was conducted fairly. More importantly, he had a responsibility to the ship to make sure that no one was harmed by Q's little amusement. His attention returned to the sole crew member below deck 5, busily constructing some defense to save the ship from Q's next attack. Q appeared on the table before Picard, lounging across it, like a great jungle cat. Picard stared at him in shock. Q was entirely naked, with the exception of a large blue bow, tied around his... Picard jerked his eyes up, face burning. "Are you lonely, Jean-Luc?" Q ran a finger across Picard's chin. "I could provide you with some company. I promise you I won't distract you from the game." "Q!" Picard jerked back, then recovered himself, pointedly ignoring Q's state of undress. "Why else would you be here?" "Why to share the wonder of your company, of course, Jean- Luc." "Q, how dare you humiliate my crew like this?" "Well, if you're going to be like that..." Q blinked out, reappearing sitting in a chair, feet up on the table, wearing a flowered Hawaiian shirt with sunglasses and holding a large pineapple mug. "They've come to no harm. And everything happening to them is perfectly within the rules." "Within what rules?" "Fair according to Elaine's standards of fair." "*She's* responsible for this chaos?" "Oh, no, Jean-Luc. She knows nothing of what has happened to your crew. I drew her concept of fair from her mind. As far as she's concerned, as long as they are not harmed, then anything that happens to them as fine. I just added a little twist to it, that's all." "What did you do, Q?" "Nothing they'll dislike, I assure you, Jean-Luc. They'll all be back snug in their own little beds at the game's end, each with nothing more than the vague memory of a wild shore leave. Completely unharmed." Picard sighed. "I suppose it could be worse." "Oh, it could. But Elaine is far too merciful." Q snickered. "Now what I would have done on my own, if she hadn't insisted on that silly rule..." Picard held up his hand. "Please. Don't. Just explain my role in this farce." "Why, you're the referee, Jean-Luc." "So I decide whether you're following the rules." "Oh, no, no, no, no. We've already decided on what the rules will be." Picard looked skeptical. "You'll follow the rules, Q?" "Of course I will. Why, if I wanted, I could snuff out every lifeform on this ship. Winning a ridiculous little game would be no more than a thought if there weren't rules." Picard was not convinced. "You've never followed the rules before. Why now, Q?" Q looked annoyed. "It was the only way she'd play." "I find that hard to believe, given the ways you bullied and coerced us into playing your games in the past." "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You almost sound bitter about our little encounters, Jean-Luc. I would have thought you'd consider them educational." "Q..." "Oh, very well. If you must know, Elaine won't be, can't be, coerced. She's not like you, Picard, filled with ideals and compassion. She's..." "Like you. Only human." "No. Whatever gave you that idea? She's like a Ferengi. Only poor." Picard dropped the issue. "What is my role, then?" "To decide who wins and who loses, of course." Picard nodded once. "Of course, if you could see your way clear to throwing the game to me, I could..." "Q, that's cheating!" "No, it's not. Elaine's notions of fair including bribing the referee." Q regarded the captain distastefully. "Probably has something to do with why she chose _you_ as the referee." The captain stood and tugged on his shirt. "Yes, I suppose it does." **** The centurions stuck close to their captain now. They seemed to have caught onto her trick of only capturing those who separated from their captain. And instead of looking into other areas, they were making their way straight to her. Obviously, someone had tired of the game, and had simply given them her location. That was all right. She'd expected it. Unfortunately, they were on the wrong deck. And she controlled the computer. Only someone ignorant of that would still use the turbolift. Any of the Enterprise personnel would have bypassed them altogether. She would have. The opposing team went straight for the turbolift. **** Picard contacted Lieutenant Deshanya, trying to convince her of the inherent insanity of playing one of Q's games. "Lieutenant..." he began, then started over. "Elaine, listen to me, you don't want to do this. You don't want to go with Q." She pushed a lock of hair out of her eyes, and looked up at him, impatient. "What did you think we were playing about?" "Excuse me?" "We're playing about whether I go with him to be the latest addition to his toy box." "I'm glad you have better sense than to choose to go with him willingly." She raised her eyebrows. "What gave you that idea?" "So you would go with him?" "That's what we're playing about. Winner take all." Picard regarded her steadily. "Who is the winner?" "Why, the one who wins, of course." "And how is that decided?" "By you." For a brief moment, Picard wished he was back with the Tamarians, trying to decipher their oblique language. They made more sense than Q and Deshanya. "Why are you playing this?" She blew the recalcitrant strand of hair back into place. "To determine whether I go with Q." "So you don't want to go with him?" "No. I wouldn't mind." "So Q doesn't want you to go with him?" "No, he wants me to go with him." "So why don't you just go?" The minute the words were out of Picard's mouth, he damned himself. Why did he say that? She smiled slightly. "That's what we're playing about." "You're playing over your motives?" "No. We're playing over his motives." Picard stared at her, then closed the connection, unable to take anymore. **** Finally, the centurion captain was alone. Easy prey. He'd won his way onto the holodeck, presumably thinking he had an advantage. He was wrong. Deshanya smiled evilly, inputting a command into the computer. A cage dropped over the captain, imprisoning him behind iron bars. Deshanya laughed with relief. She'd won! She hadn't thought Q would make it this easy for her, but she'd done it! **** "And," she said, drawing it out to savor her victory, "I could have won the game even faster if I'd wanted to use intraship beaming in a non-emergency situation." She stuck out her tongue at him. "You can hardly call winning over a bunch of semi-evolved mammals a victory over me." "You led them, and you couldn't beat me." "Of course it was a cakewalk for you! You weren't really playing against *me*." She was peeved at him for taking the savor out of her victory. "You agreed to do it. It was a fair game." "According to your rather limited concept of fair." "Like I'd stand any chance against you in a real challenge," Deshanya scoffed. He held up his hand. "Point of order. You didn't win. You never captured my captain." "I did so." He smiled slightly, and she knew that somehow, despite the fact she'd completely humiliated him and had indeed captured his captain, that he'd gotten around it. "What did you do?" she asked. Q spread his hands. "Why, nothing. Merely a little misdirection. The player marked as captain of the team was not the captain. Just another mammal wearing a funny hat." He glanced at Picard. "They seem to do it often enough; I'm surprised you even took notice of it." "But I captured all your players!" "No, no, no," he said, delightedly, waving a finger at her. "You captured all my players on the ship. My captain was never onboard." "You cheated!" she shrieked. "Did not." "Did too." "I did not. I merely took advantage of your rather puerile human imagination." She stormed at him. "It wasn't fair!" "I used your own definition of the word." She stamped her foot. "So? You had to at least put your captain on the ship somewhere!" A large rulebook appeared in his hands, and Q leafed through until he found the entry on Capture the Flag. "I don't see that anywhere in here." "That's because the people who wrote the book never thought of using the team captain as a flag!" He shrugged his shoulders and the book disappeared. "Mere semantics. I was well within the rules you set for the game. I beat you fairly." "You didn't win!" Picard held up his hands. "Excuse me..." Q and Deshanya ignored him. "You didn't beat me! You never captured me!" "Of course I did. I kept you confined in the holodeck for the entire length of the game." "But I was there on purpose!" "Excuse me!" Picard bellowed. Startled, the combatants shut up. He tugged at the hem of his uniform tunic. "As much as I disagree with the basic concept involved here, I believe it was agreed that *I* would be the referee of this little game." "Really, Jean-Luc. I don't believe your services are necessary." "I won!" "Did not. I captured your captain, or at least the man I thought was your captain." "Did too." "Children!" Picard said commandingly. Q turned on him. "Compared to you, she certainly is, mon capitaine, but I'm hardly a child to you. I was old when the first dinosaur farted on Earth." Picard ignored that comment. "It is my decision that the winner of this contest is..." "Me, of course," Q said, anticipating the decision. "No," Picard said, shaking his head. "Me?" Deshanya's eyes lit up. "How wonderful." "No," Picard said, shaking his head again. "What?" both of them asked in unison. "Captain, you can't..." Picard cleared his throat. "You have both lost this contest. Now, Q, give me my ship back." "You can't do that, mon capitaine!" "Certainly I can, Q. You said it yourself, I am the referee. I decide who wins, and who loses. And in this case, both of you are losers." Deshanya stared at the captain, then at Q, and broke down into helpless giggles. -the end- AFTERWORD: Captain's Personal Log The Excelsior did not arrive as scheduled. It seems she is not even in this sector. My conversation with Admiral Blankenship seems to have been a hoax perpetrated by Q. The ship has returned to normal. As promised, no one remembers what happened, with the exception of myself and Lieutenant Deshanya. But somehow, I feel this isn't over yet. ---- "If it proves so, then loving goes by haps: Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps." Hero, from "Much Ado About Nothing"