The Sweat From My Balls, by Tybalt (tybalt@europa.com)


It was hot, so hot Q wiped the sweat from his balls.  He couldn't resist raising his hand to his nose and taking a good whiff.

"Ahhh..." he said, as he looked over at Picard asleep beside him.  "If it weren't for the sweat of my balls, I just couldn't take the heat.  Maybe I'll stay human for another hour or so."  He took another deep whiff.  "Ahhh, damn intoxicating if I do say so myself...  Wouldn't you say so, Picard??"

He smacked the poor captain upside the head, waking him up.  "I'm having an experience here, Picard... you really must try it.  Here take a whiff..."

Q stuck his hand in front of Picard's nose.  "Go ahead, take a whiff.."  

Picard inhaled slightly and his face contorted.  "What the hell'd you do?  Wipe the sweat from your balls??"

"Yes.  Isn't it glorious?"

"I think not!"  The captain pointed a phaser to his head and pulled the trigger. Too bad Q had control over everything, including life and death.

"Damn!  Q, please, just let me die in peace..."

"Oh stop being such a party pooper and take another whiff of the sweat of my balls.  Go ahead, I insist."

"I most certanly will not!  There's a breaking point, Q...  I've had enough!  Either kill me now or let my crew and me go.  I've been your damn love slave long enough, Q.  This is where it ends..."

"Oh, you think so, do you??"

Picard suddenly found himself licking the sweat off Q's balls.  It was a sick feeling because it seemed like he was doing it of his own free will.  He felt like he was looking forward to the sweet taste.  He was getting hard thinking about it.

"Stop it, Q!  Stop it now!  Lusting after you just isn't natural for me...  What have you done to me, Q...  Why do I want your ball..."

Picard couldn't help himself and started licking some more, moaning in sick pleasure, "Mmmmmm".

"Didn't I tell you not to mess with me, Jean-Luc?  As you can see, I can make you want me.  You want me so bad you can taste it, can't you?"

"Yes, damnit...  I can taste it...  Salty, creamy, GOD DAMN IT Q!!!"

"Finally found yourself have you?"

"You're sick, you know that?"

"Why thank you Jean-Luc.  I like to think of myself as Creatively Psychotic.  Most Q are pretty damn boring, you know.  Wandering around the bloody universe saving people's lives, screwing the occasional fairy princess, that sort of thing.  This is much more fun, don't you think, Jean-Luc?"

Picard started banging his head on the bed post in hopes that his head would crush and he would finally die.  He once thought he could take anything without cracking.  He thought he could endure.  His crew was counting on him to survive, to rescue them from the glass jar on the mantle but at this moment, Picard wouldn't mind smashing the glass jar on his head, killing the crew and hopefully himself also.

"Would you stop banging your head please?  I'm trying to think of something clever to do to you."

"Put me in the jar with the rest of them!"

"Oh, that would be too easy, wouldn't it?  Where's the fun in that?"

"You could make me lust after one of my crew.  How 'bout Beverly?"

"Oh please!  What do you take me for, an idiot?  I know you two have a thing going...  Nice try."

"Ok, Data then, I don't care!"

"Data?  Why Data?  You got a thing for him too??"

"Q, I don't have a thing for Data.  I just thought that would be the kind of thing you'd do to me.  Think about it, Q.  Lusting after a robot.  Isn't that sick?  Actually, now that I think about it, don't put me with Data, that's sick.  I don't think I could live with myself after that.  Pick someone else."

"Data would be sick, eh?"

"Positively dreadful.  Stop mentioning him Q, I think I'll start banging my head again."

"Don't bother.  I have the perfect solution."

"Q, I said I'm not doing it with Data.  I'm serious."

"No problem.  It's not Data.  I want it to be a surprise.  Close your eyes."

Picard smiled and closed his eyes.  It worked.  He was sure his plan worked.  Data would be the easiest. He wouldn't have to deal with emotions.  It's just acting.  He could do this.  At least he'd be back on his ship.


Picard lay in his bed on his ship, asleep finally.  It was peaceful.  He was dreaming.  Something about Data...

"Captain?"  Data called from outside the captain's quarters.

"Enter."

"Good morning, Captain.  I've brought you some tea.  We're about to leave the space port and I thought you should be informed.  Did you sleep well?"

"Fine, Data.  Fine."

"Good.  Have some tea."

"Okay."  He sat up in his bed and took the cup.  It was steaming.  Nice and hot.  He took a sip.  "Ack!!"  The captain swallowed before he could spit.  "Data, what kind of tea is this?"

"Why, Captain, it's the sweat from my balls."

"Oh, god." 

------------------------------THE END----------------------------