From varoneeka@aol.com Mon Nov 10 12:53:21 1997 Path: news2.ispnews.com!news1.ispnews.com!europa.clark.net!208.134.241.18!newsfeed.internetmci.com!152.163.199.19!portc03.blue.aol.com!audrey01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: varoneeka@aol.com (Varoneeka) Newsgroups: alt.fan.q Subject: Story Challenge: Julia and Varoneeka and Q (Q/authors) Date: 10 Nov 1997 20:53:21 GMT Lines: 213 Message-ID: <19971110205300.PAA24015@ladder01.news.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ladder01.news.aol.com X-Admin: news@aol.com Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Xref: news2.ispnews.com alt.fan.q:905 I'm posting it, but it was written by both of us. *The Q is In* Dr. Thera Pyst walks into the office with a smile for the two women seated on her couch. "Hi!" Julia says, her eager brown eyes shining. Julia loves seeing Dr. Pyst. Varoneeka nods. Dr. Pyst sits in her chair facing the sofa and folds her hands in her lap. "I have something today which I think will help us deal with some of the issues we've been discussing for the past few months," she begins. The women look interested. "There's someone I want the two of you to confront." "NOT DADDY!!!" the women shout in horror. Dr. Pyst laughs. "No, no. We're not going *there* for years." The two women relax. "Who is it, then?" Julia asks, prepared to make a new friend. A flash of light, and Q stands in the room, arms crossed, his face set in a wry smile. The two women applaud. "This is great!" Julia shouts. "I love fanfic as therapy!" Varoneeka agrees. She wonders if she can get Q to torture Dr. Pyst. She wishes Ruth were here. She wishes all the Q writers could be here, especially if Q tortures Dr. Pyst. "What *have* you got against Dr. Pyst, anyway?" Q asks Varoneeka. Julia is hurt that Q seems to be ignoring her. She considers doing *anything* to get his attention. She doesn't hate Dr. Pyst. Why does Varoneeka get to have all the attention when she's hating someone? Julia loves everyone. Everyone should love Julia back. Julia wonders if maybe they can get Captain Picard to come visit too. Perhaps if she threatened to slit her wrists... "I don't like crying," Varoneeka is saying now. "Dr. Pyst gets paid to make me cry." "You cry sometimes when you're writing about me," Q says, looking at Julia and then gracing them both with an affectionate smile. Julia and Varoneeka start to cry. "Hey! I'm supposed to do that!" Dr. Pyst objects. With a sneer, Q snaps his fingers and Dr. Pyst becomes a very lovely bowl of fruit. "Ew!" Julia says. "We can't eat Dr. Pyst!" "Yeah, we're straight!" The two women stop crying and giggle like six-years-olds. "What *am* I going to do with you?" Q asks indulgently as he flops gracefully into Dr. Pys's vacant chair. "Well, I heard something about a villa in Maui," Varoneeka says hopefully. Q raises an eyebrow at her. "Do you really think I should reward you for eternity just because Jean-Luc and I are happily married and fuck each other into bliss every night while Riker applauds and Data takes notes?" "Well...yes." Q considers things a moment. Julia wonders why she's here at all and contemplates all the work she needs to do on her websites. "Actually," he finally drawls, "I was thinking about something along those lines, until you wrote that whole Qualen and Sir John thing. I mean, not only did I get tied up and jailed and all that, most of your readers didn't like it. How *dare* you damage my fan base like that?" Varoneeka looks lost. "I'm...I'm sorry Q." "How dare you pick on her like that!" Julia shouts, springing in front of Varoneeka and defying Q's power with the fire in her eyes. "When I *think* of all she's done for you!" "Oh, sit down and be quiet," Q says with a wave of his hand. "I'm not your Q." "You're...you're not?" "What am I, talking to Ruth? Enough with the ellipses! No, I'm not your Q. He's late. He's changing BabyQ's diapers. That's not a job you can rush, believe me." "Oh." Julia sits down. "Well, you still shouldn't be mean to Varoneeka." Q flashes into the room, nods at Q, winks at Varoneeka, and then sits next to Julia and wraps his arms around her. Julia promptly bursts into tears. "There, there," Julia's Q says to Julia. "It's all right. Everything is going to be okay, Stel-Julia." "I'm so sorry I wrote those lists and titles and things," Julia sobs. "Shh, shh. It's all right. They're pretty funnny. I love the one about doing the funky chicken." "I didn't write that one!" Julia wails and sobs harder. Q meets Q's eyes and together they form a temporal anomaly so that it's much later and Julia has it out of her system, sitting there calmly now with her hand wrapped around a cold beer and her eyes only slightly red. "So if you're not here to punish or reward us," Varoneeka says, wondering if it would be really evil of her to eat a banana from the bowl, "why are you here?" "You don't understand," Julia's Q tells her, sitting next to Julia now on the sofa, smiling at her reassuringly every few seconds. "You've both been treating us better than just about everyone else, including Paramount, so we are here to reward you." "We just want the reward to be...appropriate," Q says. "We want to help you with your emotional problems." "You have been doing that," Julia says. "And it's been wonderful. Really, I couldn't ask for more." "Oh, you're making me ill," Q says. "Can't you ever come off it and relax?" "She's only doing what she was told to do," Julia's Q snaps. "It's not her fault." He turns to look at Julia, currently swilling down her beer. He waits until she lowers the bottle and smothers a burp. "To help you, I need to know why you see me and Picard as father-figures. I mean, he's emotionally repressed and I'm a trouble-maker." Julia sighs witsfully. "And I need to know what you get out of having me and Picard come for days and contastly declare our undying love," Q says. Varoneeka almost swoons. "And most of all," Q continues, "we need to know why the two of you enjoy each other's stories so much when they're so different. I mean, Vee, you just completely blew off my son!" "Yeah, and I'm not sure I even have a penis!" Julia's Q complains. "I mean, even when Ca'ail kisses Jean-Luc and sleeps in his arms it's not sexual!" "We both like each other's stories because you and Picard are in them," Varoneeka says. "That's right. We like stuff by Ruth and Atara and Jeanita and JJ and Alara and Mercutio and the Anon Sisters and the other stories too," Julia agrees. "Yeah. We both even got a giggle out of that *Sweat Off My Balls* story." The two Qs have gotten very still. "Don't you see? We love *you,* Q, in whatever form you take." "Even *The Q and the Gray,*" Varoneeka mutters. Julia sends her a murderous look. "So I use you in a familial way, and Vee likes to see you fuck Picard." "Do I ever!" "Vee, are you sure you should have eaten that banana?" "So," Q says thoughtfully, his eyes engaging the othe Q's, "you don't much care what I'm doing as long as you get to see me." The women nod. "Well, I'm going to be on *Voyager* again soon." The women smile. Julia adds a cheer. "And I'm going to be in the next Trek movie." The women scream and stomp their feet. "And I'm sure there's a copy of *The Hand that Rocks the Cradle* at Blockbuster." The women wince and cross their legs. The two Q nod and stand up. "See you in your next review," Julia's Q whispers to her. "Look for a special videotape in the mail," Varoneeka's Q whispers to her. "Wait!" Julia calls. "What about Dr. Pyst?" The Qs roll their eyes and snap their fingers. Dr. Pyst appears in her chair, staring in horror at her missing leg. Varoneeka hides the banana peel under the sofa cushions. "That was great!" Julia says as a piano begins softly to play. "Yeah," Varoneeka says. "But you know what the music means." The End Varoneeka: What do you think Q would make of Sterling? Homespon: His mistress.