Newsgroups: alt.fan.q Subject: Girlfriends (parody P-in-drag) From: Ruth Gifford Date: 11 Jun 1996 05:26:20 GMT In her post "Drag Johnny Drag" Jeanita said that the story of Miss Johnny would be continued by whoever. That would be me (although anyone else that wants to get in the act (so to speak) may. The first few paragraphs of this story are by Jeanita, the rest is me. Girlfriends by Ruth Gifford (based on a parody by Jeanita Danzik, from a suggestion by Alara Rogers, and using characters that belong to Paramount-Viacom, Inc.) Just then there was a knock at the door. Picard looked up, his eyes full of dread. "Krug," he said in a small voice. "Is that you?" The door burst open. Will stepped protectively in front of the mostly naked Picard, but fortunately, instead of a jealous Klingon, it was only Q standing there. Q stared at Picard disapprovingly. "You little tramp! That's the third one this week. Poor Krug doesn't know you've made a mockery of his devotion. I should tell him what you're really like, you slut!" Just then the door opened again. "Oooops! Looked like I picked the wrong time to pop in," Amanda said, her voice cheery. She was loaded down with brightly colored shopping bags, which all bore labels of half a dozen stores in half a dozen languages. "Sorry I'm late. But you *know* how hard it is to find 'fuck me' pumps in your size, girlfriend" She started tossing boxes on the bed. "But I am woman, hear me roar! Black, brown, spectators, and," she waved a box triumphantly. "Purple!" "Purple?" Picard reached for the box. He looked at Q, fluttering his rather long false eyelashes, as he pulled on a peacock colored dressing gown that flattered his pale complexion. "You'll *love* these!" As Q drew breath to reply, the door opened again. This time it *was* Picard's boyfriend. "Krug!" Picard exclaimed. He blew a quick kiss to the bemused Klingon, who was staring around with a suspicious look on his handsome (for a Klingon) face. "Who *are* these people?" "Oh don't be silly, darling," Picard said airily. "You know Q and Amanda." Q loftily ignored Krug, while Amanda smiled brightly, having discovered that Klingons *hate* bright smiles and tend to avoid people who perform them. Krug glared at the mostly dressed Riker, sizing him up. "He looks like your type," the Klingon said gruffly to Picard. "Well . . ." Picard began, his hands fluttering helplessly. "Will? Jean-Luc's type? Oh *really* Krug." Amanda shot a significant look at Riker. "He's Q's . . . *you know* . . . lover." As Krug spun to look at Q, his back momentarily to Amanda, the Human-turned-Q mouthed "go with it," at Riker. Thinking quickly, the bemused First Officer snuggled up to Q. "Darling," he said, gently. "I think we've overstayed our welcome." He turned to Picard. "Thank you *so* much for the comp tickets. I'm *really* looking forward to your show." He all but dragged the poor entity toward the door, which chose that moment to open. "Oh my *God*! Jean-Luc!" "Beverly?" Picard managed to get out, gulping. "She's my . . . sister. My baby sister," he explained to Krug. "She's never gotten over the fact that I dance better than she does." The Klingon looked Beverly over appreciatively. "She's taller," he said, thinking out loud. Picard burst into tears. "How can you do this to me?" He glared at Beverly. "Bitch!" He then turned and fell dramatically onto the bed, letting his robe fall open somewhat. Amanda bit her lip, and Krug stopped staring at Beverly's hips to fall to his knees beside the bed. "I would never look at another!" he declaimed, thumping himself on the chest. "What about that waitress at the House o' Gagh? You know, that blonde tramp. And there was that Cardassian engineer . . . such *bad* skin those Cardassians have," he added in an aside to Amanda. "Oh don't I know it, girl," she said, rolling her eyes. "No, no, darling," Krug said. He looked soulfully at Amanda. "You're her manager, you know that if she gets herself in a flutter she won't be able to perform." He turned back to Picard. "Please darling, give me another chance?" "Well . . ." Picard pursed his lips, and put a languid hand to his forehead. "I'm sooo tired and all this emotion has just *worn* me out." He looked back at Krug, who was gazing at him adoringly. "Oh very well, you naughty boy." Acting as if there were no other people in the crowded dressing room, he leaned forward. "I may just have to *spank* you," he said in loud whisper. "Now run along, please love? I have *got* to finish getting dressed." He turned back to Amanda, as Krug ushered the slack-jawed Beverly out of the room, Q and Riker following quickly. "When you say purple, do you mean a pale hideous lavender, or a *real* purple?" "Real purple, of course! Fit for a queen." The shoes of course, were perfect. They *were* real purple, and higher than high. Johnny looked at them once they were on his feet. "Oh Mandy, I don't know what I'd do without you," he sighed. "You take such good care of me." "Of course I do Miss Johnny," Amanda said. She liked him now, she realized. She hadn't liked when she'd been on the Enterprise; he'd been distant and uncomfortable with her. And then Q had shown up and things had gone from bad to worse. But now, Picard was fun to be around; he was like the big sister Amanda had never had. And he was a man. Granted, a man with appalling taste in men, but then Amanda's taste in men wasn't all that good either. At least until now. And Johnny was outrageous; Amanda loved the way he manipulated everyone with no sense of guilt. "But," Johnny suddenly said, "I don't have a *thing* to wear purple shoes with." "Silly girl," Amanda laughed. "Would I do that to you? Here." She held out a final shopping bag. *** "Oh stop hanging on me, you idiot," Q muttered. "Isn't he cute?" Riker asked Krug. The Klingon looked over at Q. "Why Miss Johnny needs *two* managers, I don't know," he said. He turned to Beverly. "Has your sister always been so difficult to deal with?" He paused suddenly aware of the implied criticism of his beloved. "There is honor in having a difficult lover you know," he said. Beverly looked up at him thinking that no one was going to argue with someone who looked like he could snap Worf like a toothpick. "Well . . ." she said, thinking fast. "It wasn't easy being the ugly duckling you know." She sighed dramatically. "She always got the boys and I never went to the prom and . . ." She sighed again. "But she's so flighty. Mama always said that I was the strong one. Johnny needs someone to take care of her; that's why she likes big strong men." She heard an odd sound and looked around to see Q trying not to laugh, and Will . . . Will was blushing. Her eyes flicked back down the hall and then back to Will. He hung his head slightly, and Beverly's mother instinct went off like a siren. Q winked at her and she couldn't help it, she began to giggle. "What's so funny?" an accented voice asked from behind her. "Deanna!" Beverly exclaimed, cheerfully. "I know you know Will and his . . friend, Q. And this is Krug . . . I'm so sorry, Warrior; my sister didn't tell me the name of your noble house. Anyway Deanna, he's Miss Johnny's boyfriend." "Miss Johnny? Oh, right. The club boss told me all about how popular Miss Johnny Mae is. You must be so proud of her." Krug beamed at Deanna while trying to look down her uniform. Beverly made a faint tsking noise and he looked away. "Miss Johnny Mae?" Riker asked. "Miss Johnny will," Q replied, nudging Riker with his elbow. He still couldn't believe this was happening and he still mad enough at Picard to . . . well spanking him was beginning to seem like a real good idea. The trouble was that he was having more fun than he had since he'd tossed Picard head first into the Robin Hood thing. Watching the Senior Staff of the Enterprise gallantly rally around their totally out of control captain gave him a warm fuzzy feeling. Then again maybe that was just Riker's arm around his shoulder. He hated Humans that were bigger than he was, but he was having a good time tweaking Riker. Q snuggled up closer, sliding a hip against Riker's hip. Deanna gaped at him and he make a face at her. Oh, this was *so* much fun. "Anyway, that Ferengi gave me comps for a table near the stage. This is one cabaret act I'm dying to see." They all stood in the hall for a moment, and then Q turned to Riker. "Darling if we're going out tonight, I'm going to have to get my rest. I also have to talk to a booking agent on Risa about Miss Johnny's tour. No time to lose." He smiled at the women and the Klingon and dragged Riker off down the hall. "Bye!" Deanna shouted cheerfully. "Or is that *bi*?" she whispered at Beverly. "And who'd have thought that of *Will*?" Beverly said archly. "I was so sure he was straight." She smiled at Krug. "So where can a couple of fun loving Starfleet girls find a good time?" **For a description of the ensuing good time, read part of "Oh Captain, My Captain," substituting Krug for Worf, but leaving in the lentils.** "Well, how do I look?" Johnny asked nervously. He fussed with his earrings. "Don't do that! I know Kwik-heal works wonders, but you're still going to have to be careful and wear light weight earrings for the first few weeks." Johnny pouted, and Amanda explained. "Only when you're *not* performing. When you're doing your act . . . well, beauty knows no pain." They laughed together and Amanda shook her head. "How do you look?! Divine, and coming from *me* that means a lot." She shook her head again. "That clumsy make-up girl. She missed a big patch on your back." "Bitch," Johnny said. "I've seen her batting her eyes at Krug. She's a slut, and I don't want her around." He sighed. "Then again, look at my face . . . she's so good." Amanda made agreeing noises as she began to slowly rub makeup across Johnny's lovely back. She took her time, using a makeup sponge and then a brush for the powder. By the time she was done, the performer was cooing and sighing. "Can I do *anything* else for you Miss Johnny?" Amanda asked. "Well . . . it wouldn't be a problem, but this dress is so snug . . ." "Oh dear," Amanda said raising an eyebrow as she looked at the front of Miss johnny's dress. "It might not be a problem for anyone else . . but you're so . . . and anyway, we’re just girls, right? Surely Krug can't expect you not to have your . . . diversions?" She slid her hands across Johnny's satin clad rear. "Oh my, you're not wearing any . ." "What do you think I am, a hussy? It's a g-string. Can't have those lines in a dress this tight, girlfriend." **At this point Your Humble Author is *really* glad she can't visualize, because the thought of Amanda and Picard going at it while trying not toruin Johnny's makeup is a little too surreal, even for Ruth.** Meanwhile . . . "That was great . . . you're absolutely fantastic." "Oh . . . well, thank you . . . I suppose. I mean I really enjoyed myself, but an hour isn't really all that long and I'll need several more to show you a *really* good time." "Oh?! You mean there's more to it than that?" "Don't be ridiculous. Of course there is. Oh the things I can do for you . . . and to you for that matter." "Really? I mean I had no idea that it was like *that*." **OK You better have figured out who is who here.** Riker laughed and pulled Q close. "Stick with me, and I'll teach you *all* about Human sex." "Please . . ." "That's a good place to start." *** The Konkourse Kabaret was packed to the rafters that night. The comp table that the Ferengi had provided was in the front, and he obsequiously brought their first round of drinks to them himself, waving away Krug and Riker's offers of credits. Deanna favored the oily large eared entrepreneur with a sultry smile. "Thank you *so* much," she cooed. Beverly looked at her in disgust. "Tramp!" she hissed. "Did you lick his ears or just fondle them?" "Look who's talking," Deanna said. The fight would have really gotten started, but just then the lights dimmed and the act began. "Oh my God," Beverly whispered to Deanna, all animosity forgotten. "I *hate* him. I can't wear bias cut satin to save my life." Miss Johnny's gown was a handful of nothing, rich aubregine satin that clung to his lean muscled frame like nobody's business. It had a halter-type top, no sleeves, and as he turned and strolled across the stage, you could see it had no back. In fact it plunged dangerously low in the back. Every man at the odd table in front (indeed, every man in the room, and those unlucky enough to be able to see the act only on close circuit viewerscreens) stared at Johnny's bewitching behind as he sauntered across the stage and started belting out "Minnie the Moocher." Within in moments he had the whole crowd bellowing "Hidy hidy hidy ho," with him and even the few women in the place were having a great time. Amanda watched from the sidelines. Johnny was in top form, and it was a good thing too. She had the contracts all made out with one of the most exclusive casino/resorts on the Klingon Homeworld and she hadn't even had to bribe any officials. The mere mention that Miss Johnny Mae was a close personal friend of Gowron's Arbiter of Succession, and a free copy of Miss Johnny's promo video had been all it took to open the right doors. In fact Amanda had taken the bold step of inviting Gowron and the Emperor himself to the opening show. Miss Johnny was going to be thrilled and Amanda smiled. *She's all mine,* she thought. Krug would be too dazzled by Troi and Crusher and Q . . . Well she had intended to enlist Q2's help, but even as Q's eyes followed Johnny across the stage, he was wriggling in his seat as Riker's fingers pinched their way up his thigh. *Who would have thought?* Amanda thought smugly. *I'll have to do something nice for Riker. Then again he'll get the Enterprise when Picard resigns, what more could he want?* Miss Johnny finally undulated across the stage after three and a half hours of unbelievable showman . . . uh . . . showwomanship. The stage was thick with mash notes, proposals, room keys, and roses. Lots and lots of pink roses. "Oh Mandy," he sighed. "I was *so* good." "Oh Johnny," Amanda said, her lip trembling. "I'm so happy for you, especially under the circumstances." "What circumstances? And where's Krug?" Johnny pouted, looking adorable and Amanda looked downcast and pointed to the table. Krug was feeding Beverly the cherry out of her drink, while Deanna nibbled at the Klingon's ear. "Ohhh," Johnny wailed. Amanda restrained him from running out on to the stage only by use of her Q powers; Johnny had lost none of his strength. "And look," Johnny sobbed. "They've *all* left me." And indeed, Riker had a very smug look on his face as Q knelt next to his chair holding a bottle of Miller Lite. "Such bad taste Will has," Johnny sniffed tearfully. Amanda hustled the sobbing diva back to his dressing room. Slamming the door in the faces of the long line of admirers, she let Johnny cling to her and sob as if his heart were breaking. She patted his back, rubbed his shoulders and cradled his head against her chest. In a few moments she was nibbling his ear and blowing in it. "You're trying to take advantage of me in my despair," Johnny said as Amanda pushed him back on the bed. "No," Amanda said roughly. She had seen something in his mind and had followed up on it. This was what had frightened Q, she realized. Q didn't have the least interest in dominating *anyone*; Q just wanted a big strong Daddy to take care of him. Picard's tastes were far more exotic and subtle. He needed to be in charge in public, and he would be, Amanda promised herself, resigning herself to being a satellite to Miss Johnny's career. But in private, Miss Johnny knew she was a slut, and she knew she was a bad girl and someone had to take care of her and punish her when she strayed. "You're a whore," Amanda whispered. "You only wanted Krug because he's rich." "That's not all of it," Johnny protested, fluttering his eyelashes at Amanda. The young Q's heart softened a little. "He had such a big . . . you know." Miss Johnny blushed, and hid behind his hands. It was so endearing and Amanda smiled at him. "You don’t think I was thinking only of clothes when I went shopping, do you girl?" "Oh???" Johnny looked interested. "No. I thought of my naughty Miss Johnny, and I went to West Hollywood. The Pleasure Chest to be exact." Amanda pulled out the black and silver bags with the distinctive logo of fanned, intertwined legs. "Of course they sell clothes too . . ." A purple leather bustier fell on the bed. Johnny grabbed it and looked at Amanda wide eyed. "This is . . . naughty, Mandy. I'm a nice girl." He hung his head. "I know I'm weak, but I just can’t say no." "I know, baby," Amanda crooned. "And it's all right, as long as you're willing to pay the price that naughty girls pay. You can have all the warriors with big . . . you knows . . . that you want, but you have to come back to me and tell me all about it." She pulled a tangle of leather out of the bag. "What's that?" "It's called a harness, and this," Amanda pulled something very large out of another bag. "is what goes in it." Miss Johnny's eyes widened and his tongue snuck across his painted lips as he stared at the . . . you know. "But I'm just a girl," he said, his voice already unsteady. "I can't take a . . . you know . . . that's that big." "You're a tramp." Amanda said bluntly. Miss Johnny's lip quivered, but he began to unfasten the neck of the halter top. "A slut." Breathing heavily, Johnny slipped out of the gown. "An easy easy girl, just looking for this." "Ohhh . . ." "Slut!" "Please . . ." "Round heeled bitch" "Oh yessss . . ." **OK once again the thought of Amanda with a big strapped on . . . you know . . . giving it to Miss Johnny Mae (and yes, Miss Johnny will) while calling the poor thing all sorts of cruel names is making me glad I don't visualize. While I'm thanking my lucky stars for that, I'm also thanking my lucky stars that I can't imagine Will Riker at home in the ready room of *his* Enterprise (tastefully decorated in a lovely black leather S/M theme) using Q as a footstool. I should also be glad that I can't picture Deanna and Beverly mud wrestling knowing that the winner gets a whole night of Krug and his big . . . you know. Which is how things stand . . .** //Two Months Later// "You must understand, Miss Johnny," The handsome Klingon looked sincerely into Miss Johnny Mae's artfully painted eyes. "It would be a political marriage only. I need a wife that the Klingon People can respect and look up to. Someone who will help us smooth our rough edges and yet remain true to our heritage. Someone how has a flashing wit and a lovely style. Someone with the background of a commoner and yet the poise of a lady of a Great House. Will you accept this heavy burden, Miss Johnny? Will you rule at my side as my Empress?" "Oh Kahless, I'm so overwhelmed. I love my career and I don’t know that I could give it up. I'm not really Empress material." "You don’t have to give up your career; in fact I was hoping you would continue to tour the Empire, and the territories of our allies. You would be such a lovely goodwill ambassadress." He looked at Miss Johnny's manager. The quiet, discreetly dressed young woman smiled at him as Miss Johnny covered her face with her exquisitely manicured hands. She leaned forward and whispered something to Miss Johnny. The Emperor rose and retreated as a breathless round of girl chatter ensued. "I'm worried about Miss Johnny's security," Ms. Rogers said crisply. "A squadron of my finest Warriors." "Well . . . Security forces can be so . . . rough." "Oh no, Ms. Rogers; this is not the Federation. My Imperial Guard are all noble young men from the Great Houses. I'll let you pick them youself, Miss Johnny." The manager whispered in Miss Johnny's ear again. "If you're worried about an heir, don't. We're cloning one. Kahless looked a little shy. "Klingon tradition does demand that the marriage be consumated, but I will not force my attentions on you after that if you do not wish me to." "You're such a sweet man, I'm sure we can be friends." Ringing in Miss Johnny's memory were his manager's words. "I hear he's really well built. Just look at those pants . . . it sure looks like a big . . . you know. And the chance to do all those guards? You'll take it won't you? You're Mandy's easy girl after all." *And so I am,* Miss Johnny thought as the Klingon Emperor handed him a large ornate vase. The poetry he recited as Johnny ceremoniously flung the vase across the room was quite good, the diva thought. *And just think of the wedding dress . . . I'm the luckiest girl in the whole galaxy.* He looked at the big bulge of the Emperor's . . . you know. It was nice; it would feel sooo good, and it would be so deliciously humiliating to tell stern Miss Mandy all about it. *I'll wear the red silk corset when I drape myself over her lap for my spanking," Miss Johnny thought. *But for the wedding . . . white.* The End (my end at least. If anyone wants to keep going, jump in) "She got a lift from the King of Sweden He gave the things that she was needin'" "Minnie the Moocher" Cab Calloway