Having just been mundanely sued for one billion dollars -- a suit dismissed 35 seconds after it was finally brought before a judge -- I would like to offer you all the following tale. Sincerely, Andy Strassmann ------- Shark Attack "Charles, I regret to inform you that you are being sued," Martin Hubbell told his client. Professor Xavier sighed. "Martin, in the past six months alone we've beaten Apocalypse, the Skrull Empire, and the Acolytes not to mention the adventures individual X-men have had on their own. While I have the greatest respect for you as my lawyer, I think you're over-reacting." "Unfortunately, not in this case," Martin replied. "The firm of Iblis and Ahriman has earned quite a fearsome reputation with class-action suits of dubious merit but high profitability. In your case, they claim that you are concealing information proving that mere proximity to your team of mutants poses unacceptable risks to innocent bystanders." Xavier shook his head. "What information?" "That's what they wish to know. This document, which they have duly filed with the Westchester Superior Court, is called a subpeona duces tecum. It commands you to provide them with a printed and electronic copy of all of Cerebro's data files. You are also commanded to identify and fully document the whereabouts of all mutants that are or ever were members of or associated with your X-Men or School For Gifted Students for each day since the opening of said school, along with the names and addresses of all non-mutant individuals with whom each of said mutants may have come into contact since that time, inclusive. I'm afraid you are going to have to comply." "But you know that the X-men's powers are never used against bystanders!" Xavier objected. "Mutants and humans can peacefully coexist -- mutant powers aren't inherently harmful in any way whatsoever." "And by the time you prove it you'll be penniless," Hubbell said. "For example, by the time the National Academy of Science that Dow-Corning's breast implants did not in fact cause those headline-grabbing side effects, Dow had paid $7 billion in damages and declared bankruptcy." "But we're protecting mankind from evil super-villains!" Xavier exclaimed. "That doesn't matter either," Hubbell continued. "Some of plaintiffs in the Norplant suit admitted publicly that they continued to use the contraceptive throughout the case and that they joined for the financial incentives. It made no difference." "Then what can I do?" "Iblis has informed me, verbally of course, that prompt payment to him of a certain sum would convince him to terminate the suit. As is his wont, that sum is somewhat less than the estimated costs of fighting this case." Hubbell then quoted a figure. "That's the latest tax-assessment value for the entire Xavier estate!" "If that assessment took place before the Operation Zero Tolerance unpleasantness, perhaps we can deduct the damages incurred and propose an acceptable counter-offer. How much cash do you think you can raise from Empress Lilandra?" Xavier was speechless. ------- "Do you think your sickness or poor performance may have been caused by someone's mutant powers?" the TV announcer asked. "Have you or one of your loved ones ever suffered injury or property damage as a result of a super-battle or other mutant action? Do you suffer from psychological distress because others have powers unfairly denied to you? Then call Iblis and Ahriman at 1-800-666-BUCKS to learn how you can join our growing class action suit. You pay us nothing until we win. Let us get you the settlement you deserve!" It was the third time that advertisement had appeared on the X-Men's television set -- and the first time they had managed to hold Wolverine back from the set long enough to hear the whole thing. ------- Crimefighting by the X-Men ground to a halt as they struggled instead to respond to the subpeona. Requests for additional information came in faster than the Professor's legal staff, now greatly expanded, could assess the legal ramifications of what the team wrote. Independent self-proclaimed experts were hired to extensively study the issue at $250 per hour, since the testimony of those most familiar with the facts (such as Dr. Moira McTaggert) was considered "tainted" by that familiarity. The second time the experts announced that the conclusion of their study was that more studies needed to be done (again at $250 per hour), the Beast began giving impromptu recitations of Kipling's "Dane-Geld" -- and visitors to the Pyramids began reporting hearing hysterical laughter emanating from deep underground. Still Xavier refused to yield, on general principles. Then Iblis filed a motion in court seeking a freeze on all of Xavier's funds, his assets to be placed under the control of neutral financial managers (to be paid by Xavier, of course). Iblis cited a threat of flight from the country -- after all, Xavier had a private supersonic plane and interplanetary contacts. Preparations for the hearing took six months, and the hearings themselves took three. Iblis' motion was granted. A shaken Charles Xavier met the assembled reporters on the courthouse steps. "People of America, I beg you to listen to reason," Xavier pleaded into the cameras. "If you let men such as these destroy even a superhero team, what chance does an ordinary person have?" "And that is why YOU should hire the firm of Iblis and Ahriman" Iblis announced, stepping between the cameras and Xavier. "We won't let anyone, no matter how powerful, get between you and the financial settlement you know you deserve. So if you feel that some callous person is better off than you should be .... HEY, THAT'S MY PORCHE!" Its metal parts crackling with blue energy, Iblis' sportscar rose from the no-parking zone in front of the courthouse, flew directly over Iblis' head, and slammed straight down. Hard. "To paraphrase Shakespeare's Henry Vth," Magneto announced to the assembled crowd, "In Genosha, we killed all the lawyers." With a gesture, Magneto lifted Xavier to him. "I always knew, Charles, that someday I would have to rescue you. So as these humans flee in their usual terror ...." Only they weren't fleeing. In fact some were applauding, and then more, and then still more. "Just like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park!" one cameraman yelled. "One down, one million to go --so go for it!" called a hot dog vendor. "How do I move to Genosha?" asked a woman in a business suit. The two mutants stared at each other in disbelief. Professor Xavier shrugged his shoulders. "The T-Rex scene *was* the most popular in that entire film." Suddenly, Magneto's eyes flashed with an idea. Whirling to face the crowd, he threw his arms open wide and called "Humans and mutants alike! We must unite against the common foe!" /* What in the world are you doing?*/ Xavier sent telepathically, the only way he could be heard over the cheers. /* At long last, gaining freedom for mutants -- in exchange for giving both our peoples freedom from a far greater threat.*/ Magneto thought back. /* The concept has historical precedents.*/ He worked the crowd, amazed how many of his well-rehearsed arguments were so easily redirected against the legal profession, until a magnetic disturbance behind him heralded the arrival of the Fantastic Four's Fantasticar. He turned to face them, bringing his shields to full strength -- and saw that Johnny Storm was just sitting distractedly, his flame not even on. The Thing glowered with his arms crossed, Sue Richards was livid, and Reed Richards was keeping his hands visible as he brought the craft in slowly. "Approximately 10.3 seconds after the judge made his ruling in the Xavier case," Reed began, "we received a subpeona from Mr. Arhiman of the firm Iblis and Ahriman, demanding a statement of the current financial value of Four Freedoms Plaza and every item in it. He also demanded we tell him every experiment we've ever performed and all possible side effects no matter how unlikely. Finally he asked for a list of every enhanced power being that has ever entered our home and what the effect would be if they used their powers against a normal human. Even with full computer support, I estimate the time to respond to this request at approximately ...." "AHRIMAN WANTS MY BABY ON THAT LIST!" Sue raged. Magneto met Sue's eyes and held them. "You know, then, where such a document would inevitably lead. It is, as your husband would say, a back door." Odd, he thought, that after all these years a human would truly understand, and that that human would be Sue Richards. "Reed," Sue suggested, adamantium in her voice. Reed Richards extended his hand -- literally. And Magneto shook it, while the cameras broadcast the image to the entire world.