Disclaimer: X-Men belong to Marvel. Bloom County and its cast belong to Berkley Breathed.

Author's notes: I couldn't take it anymore! I had to write this. The orginal idea is Sequoia's.
Question/comments: sabre@industrialwebworks.com


by Sabre

Chapter One

The Meadow Party had held its first convention in the New York. Professor Xavier had been encouraging his X-Men to take an interest in the election campaigns and so many of the team ended up attending the brief but rousing rallies. But somehow, the Meadow Party made a bigger impression on them than they planned…


Ororo sailed down the stairs. She was so happy. For the first time in her life she knew true love. Logan and Remy were waiting in the hallway.
"Good day, my friends." She smiled radiantly.
Remy smiled dispite his reason for loitering around. He always liked seeing his Stormy cheerful.
"Bonjour, Stormy."
She frowned playfully.
"I have asked you not to call me that name."
"Remy be hard of hearing."
She laughed.
Logan also smiled. It was a sound that had missing in the mansion for a some time.
"How's yer new fella, darlin'?"
"Oh Logan," She gushed. "I have never been happier. He is everything I could ask for."
Remy and Logan exchanged glances. They were going to give her new 'friend' a quick once-over, just to make sure he knew what would happen if he hurt Ororo.
"Dat's good, chere. You t'ink we can meet him?" Remy asked casually. No point in trying to sneak around her. She would get mad at both of them for certain.
Ororo gave her two close friends an understanding smile. Considering her less than dazzling choices previously, she wasn't surprised at their protectiveness.
"Are you worried that he may not be suitable for me?"
Logan blew out a ring of smoke.
"We love ya, darlin'. Of course we're worried. I promise we won't rough him up none."


Upstairs, things were not as rosy for another X-couple.

Warren fluttered his wings nervously. She's been under a lot of stress, he reminded himself. "Betsy, please. For me, consider what you're doing."
Betsy paused in her packing. "What I'm doing is following my heart. I love Opus. I'm sorry but I can't change that."
"But why?!" He wailed. "What does he have that I don't? He's just a personals clerk with some backwater newspaper. He dabbles in suspicious politics and," He paused, the revulsion he felt surging in his throat. "He can't even fly!"
She sighed. She knew it would be hard. "Warren, please understand. People change. Goodbye."
Warren sat slumped on the bed as she stepped into the shadows and disappeared.


There was a beeping from outside.
Ororo brightened and fussed with her immaculate dress.
"He's here!"
"Why don' he come to de door?" Remy asked immediately.
"He knows what kind of people live in this house." She answered calmly. She wouldn't do anything that would harm her new love's chance at approval from her friends. "He said he'll keep a distance until you give your respective blessings."
Logan nodded. Boy's got respect, he thought. Good.
She pulled the door open and hurried down the steps to the waiting Zephyr convertible.
"Hello, my love!"
"Ack, ooph." Bill the Cat replied lovingly.
The two X-Men stared with horror and disbelief at the mangy orange feline in a ratty tie that was sitting behind the the wheel.
"Mon dieu!" Remy exclaimed.
Logan growled. He wasn't a cat person.

Chapter Two

Professor Charles Xavier wasn't much for socializing. His last real drinking buddy had been Magnus. Some time back, while they were both still in Israel, he had said, 'hey, you know what would be neat? If we ruled the world.' Unfortunately, Magnus had taken that drunken suggestion a little too seriously. But today was an exception. Today he was the captain of the Enterprise-D as he commanded his ship in tight formation along side the captain of the first ship to bear that name. Cutter John had dropped by the base for a visit but they decided to take a tour around the galaxy.
"Prepare for transporter." He called.
Cutter looked over briefly. Can't be too careful when traveling at warp factor ten, he thought.
"Transport co-ordinates locked."
Charles lobbed the flask over at Cutter, who caught it neatly.
"Where to, Captain?" He asked.
"Set course for The Untamed Planet of Moderately Moral Stenographers, Captain." Cutter responded.
"Course confirmed." Charles agreed. "Engage!"
The two starchairs disappeared around a bend in the road.


Scott rubbed the bridge of his nose. The Professor was speeding down the road in his wheelchair, Ororo was out romancing an intermitantly dead cat and Betsy had taken off to be with her flightless paramour. We're going to have to have a recruiting drive soon, he mused. He noticed Bobby Drake coming down the hall.
"Hey, Scott." Bobby said cheerfully.
"Hey, Bobby." He said. "You going out?"
"Yup." He grinned. "I got a date!"
Scott felt the start of headache behind his eyes.
"Tell me it's with a girl."
"What? Yeah, of course it's with a girl. What kind of question is that?" Bobby asked, affronted. "Her name's Lola Granola. She's an artist."
"Oh. That sounds normal, I mean, nice." Scott amended quickly.
He stepped aside as his teammate hurried out to the garage. Then he noticed a young black man walking down the driveway followed by what appeared to be a yellow computer with feet.
"Good afternoon," The boy said. "Is this the residence of Katherine Pryde?"
Scott blinked under his visor. Computers? Kitty? Makes sense. "Yes, it is. Who are you?"
"Oliver Wendell Jones." The boy said. He waved at the ambulatory computer that was angled towards Scott as if it was looking at him.
"This is my Banana Junior."

Chapter Three

One week later there was a visitor to the mansion.

Mutants in general were hated and feared but if there was one person who could be considered the poster boy for being hated and feared it was this person. He was Erik Magnus Lehnsherr. Magneto. He landed neatly on the front steps of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning and pressed the doorbell. He was, usually enough, in a very good mood. After a few months of recouperating he was feeling like a new man. He didn't have any especially psychopathic tendancies anymore. After all, if falling through the atmosphere and landing head-first in a rain forest doesn't knock some sense into one's head, nothing will.

So he waited on the battered welcome mat and hummed a pleasant tune. He realized the X-Men and Charles might not be too enthusastic about seeing him again but he was determined to make amends. And collect his box of spare undies from the box in the basement.
Scott opened the door, looking rather frazzled. He stared at the visitor.
"Hello, Scott." Magnus smiled. "I know that-"
"Thank god, you're here!"
Magnus blinked. He had been hoping for a peaceful reception but this was a bit more than he anticipated. A mental alarm bell went off.
"Scott, what's happened?"
The leader of the X-Men took off his visor and rubbed his face. It had been a rough week.
"Charles is crazy, the team's falling apart and we've got a cockroach rebellion on our hands!"
Deep breath, he told himself.
"Okay. One thing at a time." He decided. "Charles is crazy. That's fine. I've already done that. We know how to cope. Just humor him for now. He hasn't taken off and built a base somewhere at the ends of the earth, has he?"
"No, not yet." Scott said as he relaxed. "Sorry about that. Come on in."


In the living room, the X-Men were huddled in conference. Warren was drinking steadily and making vulgar comments about penguins, Jean, Remy and Logan had the blueprints for the house out and planning their counter-attack on the cockroaches.
Magnus tensed as Logan stood up but the stocky Canadian held out a hand in greeting.
"Mags, it's good ta see ya. We could use some heavy-duty help here."
He was baffled but decided to take the peace offering.
"I'd be glad to help but I don't know what the problem is yet. Scott mentioned that Charles may not be of sound mind?"
Remy snorted into his beer.
"Dat be de truth. He be doing wheelies in his chair all morning."
"What?" He asked automatically.
"He be de captain of the Enterprise. De new one." Remy elaborated.
Magnus searched through his memory.
"Is that the one with the fellow with the pointed ears? No, never mind. So he's still on the grounds then?"
"Yes, he is." Scott sighed. "Hank's downstairs making up his dandelion joy juice, Betsy's gone, Ororo, well…"
"Is she all right?"
"She's dating a cat."
Presumably someone will fill me later on the details, he decided. They can't possible mean a real cat. A cat-like mutant was far more likely.
"I see. Go on."
"Rogue," Logan paused. "She's seeing somebody."
That was a tad disappointing, he thought.
"Ah. Well. I only wish her happiness."
"He be a neurotic little fruitcake!" Remy sulked.
"Binkley's just sensitive." Jean interjected.
Logan handed Magnus a glass of scotch.
"Here, bub. You'll need it soon."
"I think I'll go talk to Charles first." He decided as he accepted the proffered glass.
Something short and pet-like wearing a hat waddled by the doorway. This was new.
"When did you get a dog?"
"It's not a dog. It's a basselope." Jean said as she added another shot of whisky to her coffee. "His name's Rosebud."
He went into the hallway and stared after the creature. The hat was in fact a set of antlers. He came back and drained his glass in one swallow.


After another round of fortifying drinks, Magnus flew up to have a look around the mansion grounds. Scott had locked the gates to prevent Charles from rolling away but it was a lot of area to cover. He spotted the founder of the X-Men behind the garage and flew over.
"Charles!" He called.
The captain looked over. He couldn't believe it, his old adversary was back. He steered his ship over to the entity.
"Q! What are you doing here?" Charles asked.
Magnus tried to think of a reason why his friend would have reduced his name to one letter. And the wrong one at that. Nothing occurred to him but then he really didn't expect anything to.
"Charles, what are you talking about? It's me, Magnus."
The captain fixed him with a disbeliving stare.
"You can't fool me, Q."
Just play along, Magnus told himself.
"No, M. Higher up on the alphabet."
Charles looked puzzled.
"The M Continum? Why did you change the name?"
"I didn't." He sighed. "Charles, why don't you come in? Scott and the rest of your students are concerned about you."
"Tell Number One he'll have to take command." Charles instructed firmly. "I'm going on a five year mission in search of cheap pleasures."
Magnus was scandalized. He had nothing against cheap pleasures but he had too much class to just announce it like that. He decided to try just a little force and held the wheelchair in place with the smallest amount of his powers.
The captain glared at him.
"Get your tractor beam off my ship! Fire forward phasers!"
The psi-bolt hit him directly between the eyes. Magnus released his magnetic grip on the wheelchair as he felt the migraine blossom forth. Charles made a break for freedom and Magnus fliched as his friend manuvered over his feet on his way to another tour of the glaxay.


He limped back inside with a pounding headache.
"How'd it go?" Jean asked anxiously.
"He ran over my foot." Magnus informed her with glacial calm. "Twice."
"Um, I'd call Hank but…"
"He's stoned out of his mind on dandelion extract." He finished. "Who the hell told him to do that?"
"We think Sinister did." She said uncomfortably. "Scalphunter contacted us and said Sinister's been acting strange. He wanted to know if we had put something in their water supply."
"Essex is always acting strange." He snorted as he grabbed the whisky bottle from her.
"Well, stoned then!" She yelled in frustration. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout. It's just…"
He sighed. "It's all right, Jean. I know. What on earth possessed the man to experiment with vegetation?"
"He, they, were collaborating on a cure for the Legacy Virus." Jean sighed. "Essex was trying a derivation of Oliver's and it sort of took off from there."


To be continued…

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