From ix.netcom.com!feeder.qis.net!netnews.com!howland.erols.net!portc02.blue.aol.com!audrey01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail Sun Jul 5 19:30:26 1998 Path: ix.netcom.com!feeder.qis.net!netnews.com!howland.erols.net!portc02.blue.aol.com!audrey01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: funkym3485@aol.com (FunkyM3485) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.marvel.xbooks Subject: Funky Attractions: Death of Good Taste! Lines: 199 Message-ID: <1998070602215600.WAA17198@ladder01.news.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ladder01.news.aol.com X-Admin: news@aol.com Date: 6 Jul 1998 02:21:56 GMT Organization: AOL Canada http://www.aol.ca Xref: ix.netcom.com rec.arts.comics.marvel.xbooks:154605 Disclaimer: FunkyM's story uses characters owned by Marvel Comics and they can't do anything about it. Na-na-na-na-na! Notes: This is an alternate version of Fatal Attractions UXM #304 telling what would happen if all the characters were high on crack. What? They WERE high on crack? Just read the story, okay?! FUNKY ATTRACTIONS ----------------- Something less than 5 minutes ago, the Acolytes learned the truth about the "death" of their personal saviour, Magneto. To the unfortunate regret of Fabian Cortez -- they also learned of his part in the affair. Cortez: Have the month's we've spent together -- continuing Magnus's work on behalf of mutantkind -- meant NOTHING to you people? Why are you willing to take the word of a stranger over mine? Vought: He told us you tried to kill Magneto -- and that you wear teddy bear boxer shorts! Cortez: Vought..? Vought: Dissipating the air around you is the least of the horrors I should visit upon you for having betrayed our trust! Exodus: Pardon me, Amelia but Magnus is a forgiving man, capable of great kindness. He bears no ill will towards Fabian for the man's ambition and neither shall we... ah, hell. Just kill the bastard. The Acolytes take great pleasure it tearing Fabian Cortez into tiny shreds and in THIS universe, he will not come back in a really crappy limited series. Exodus: Prepare yourselves for the ascension. --- It has only happened twice before in his life -- that Charles Xavier wet his bed. The first was on the afternoon he realized -- with startling certainty -- he was gay. Yes, quite happy he was. So much so that he drank a little TOO much chocolate milk and his mommy had to wash his sheets the next day. This morning he has to bury Illyana Rasputin... some girl who might have died recently or something. Xavier: I've lost one of my own -- one of my children of the atom. Illyana was a child who had every right to believe in me and... I failed her... Man, would I like a cold draft right now. --- Magneto: My apologies, my children. For I am afraid I have been retconed yet again. In my youth, I believed Chris Claremont would turn me into a credible character -- that I would escape my past as a cheap Dr. Doom clone. I was wrong. Bob Harras and Scott (I call him Scotty) Lobdell made me a lunatic again. Here... in AVALON. There was a time when this man would have scoffed at the though of talking to himself. There was a time he was well written too. But that too has changed. Magneto: I don't WANT to do this, Charles -- rather I HAVE to. I just love Hanson so much that I need to buy their album. Zack is just so darn cute! For while neither man would admit it, Professor Xavier and Magneto love wild monkey sex. --- Storm and Kitty Pryde have always been close. FunkyM tends to think the writers wanted us to believe they are lesbian lovers. Right now we join them in the kitchen of the Xavier estate as Storm needs some of that lovin'... Storm: According to the script we should fly out the window right about now. Grab hold of me tight. Kitty: Are you coming on to me, Storm? Storm: A guilty pleasure, I confess. [The next 4 pages have been deleted due to sexually explicit content.] --- One hour later, as the noon sun shines overhead and the various X-teams are gathered 'round Illyana's grave -- Kitty: Oh, Sam... Cannonball: Ah know, Kitty. New Coke was MUCH better than the original. Shatterstar: "Don't worry, be happy. Do do do do do do do." Xavier: Peter? A moment, son. I just want to tell you how terribly sorry I am -- for wearing your underwear. I must have forgot to do the laundry this week. Colossus: Are you,... sir? Why do I doubt that? Is it because I am drunk as a pig? YOU -- you and your dream -- that dream where we are together on that nude beach -- for THAT I will NEVER forgive you. Cyclops: Peter! Hold on. You're... Xavier: ...absolutely right, son. Magneto: HA HA HA! I am ignoring the script and improvising! Cyclops: MAGNETO?! Then what we feared was true -- you're out of character! Magneto: How observant, Cyclops. Iceman: Tres tracky. Storm: Robert is right -- this plotline sucks. I quit! Magneto: Aw, come on. The fun's just starting! Exodus: Believe him, scion of Xavier -- we're going to party like it's 1999. Acolyte Senyaka: Praise be Magneto -- his word is our law. Cyclops: The Acolytes? Jean, did you send them invitations to Illyana's funeral? Jean Grey: Magneto must somehow be using his electro-magnetic powers to jam my psionic powers. Quicksilver: I want my own series back! Xavier: Magneto! Erik, please -- there is no need for this! Magneto: I am needed, Xavier -- to lead Marvel Comics to a better profit margin! They -- we -- will get filthy rich and churn out any crappy story we want... and can no longer be hampered by the conventions of Chris Claremont! Behold now -- SALVATION! Behold now -- AVALON! [It can be seen as far away as New York City. An immense structure -- built of parts from an old '57 Chevy, a couple Ford trucks and a Honda Civic. Magneto has returned. And he has bad taste in cars!!!!!] Magneto: I can see now that at last you understand, don't you Charles? You realize I am acting like an idiot! Not long ago, Xavier -- I tried your path... Now I ask, my oldest friend, do you have the courage to do what I had done? Are you willing to walk down mine for a time? Xavier: No. I am a big hypocrite. Colossus: I feel like being stupid today. Can I join you, Magneto? Magneto: No! You are a lame Clamemont creation! Get out of my sight! Colossus: Waaaaaa! [Runs off crying like a baby.] Magneto: I am glad you were alive to witness this final humiliation, Charles. Perhaps before you die, you will realize what I have always known... That McDonalds puts plastic in their milkshakes! Xavier: Oh yeah? Well... [searches pockets]... I... uhhhh.... I had a big speech ready but I must have forgot my notes in my other suit. Mind if we skip it? Magneto: Not at all. [Comandeering Magneto's powers with his own, these two men rise above the earth with Avalon in their psychic thrall. A genetic Caina and Able... locked forever in an eternal conflict as old as the forces of good and evil.] [And back at the funeral...] Havok: Hey! What's everybody standing around for? Let's party? Cyclops: Huh?! Where did all this booze come from? And those strippers... Beast: Relax, Scott! It's a party! Here's some moonshine! [The last page shows a full spread of all the X-Teams partying down as Prof. X crash lands on top of Illyana's casket behind.] FIN. (c) 1998 FunkyM Reprinting without the expressed written permission of FunkyM will make him walk to your house and express some punching on your face. So high! Most high! So high!