I wish I was you, oh wait, no I don't

Author: The Mean Spleen
Publication Date: Thursday, January 02, 2003
Rating: none provided

Disclaimer: Marvel are the legal guardians of the world. It changes when the world turns 18.

 Authorís Notes: I learned a very important lesson after the last one of these things. Never and I do mean never, ever put Logan down. So what that in mind, this story will possess little or no Logan bashing. Have a nice day and remember to keep it frosty. Cheers.



 Every year, about this time, the strangest thing happens to the mutants of the world. Itís a phenomenon known as PPT, Power Proximity Transfer. What causes it and what it only lasts a day is unknown to scientists but then again what do they ever know. Itís never the important stuff, like a soap that doesnít gradually disintegrate and jump out of your hands when youíre in a menís prison. Important stuff like that. But anyway thatís not the point is, this thing happens and this year it happened in Westchester. So for this one day, everything went to the dogs.

 The night before:

 "Are all the preparations in place Scott?"

 "Yes Professor, everyone has been issued with the necessary equipment. Thereís nothing else we can do I suppose."

 "I suppose youíre right. Weíd best turn in. Itís going to be a long day tomorrow." The Professor sighed, his voice strained with the anxiety that this time of year brought.

 Scott nodded and left the Professor to his thoughts. As he left Xavier noted the small smile on his face. Xavier realised he was looking forward to all this.

 "Lord help us all" he murmured.


The Morning:

 The bird shifted gently on its perch, enjoying the early morning sunshine. This is the life it though. Nice morning, worms in my belly, nice old building to dump on. Life couldnít get much better.

 In fact it got a while lot worse as a good deal of the nice old building disappeared as crimson red beam sliced through the wall, singeing the birdís butt in the process.

 From within the wall came a loud wail.


 "Shut your eyes and put on the glasses Jubes, put on the glasses." A voice tried to reassure her, holding her by the shoulders to stop her from looking at them.

 Scrunching her eyes closed as if they depended on it, Jubilee fumbled until she found the glasses, which Scott had handed her the previous night.

 "Ah crap. What did I have to get the eyebeams?" she muttered as she carefully unscrunched one eye at a time until she was looking out at the world through crimson tinted glasses.

 "Could be worse," Kitty said from behind her letting go of Jubilee.


 "Iíll get back to you."

 The two girls slumped down on the bed, looking out on the grounds from their newly constructed window.

 "What a perfect start to the day." Jubilee said glumly.



"Good morning, sweetheart," Scott whispered into Jeanís ear.

 "Mmmm," came the tired reply.

 "Notice anything different?" Scott asked, somewhat impatiently.

  She turned slowly in the bed and noticed immediately that he was looking at her with his own big brown eyes.

 "Oh darling" she said and held him close. He started to kiss her on the forehead and for an instant he could feel a gentle pull as suddenly, a thought entered his mind from Jean.

 He let go instantly and looked at Jean, she looked pale and surprised for a second before the colour started to return.

 She pushed away from him on the bed.

 "Well now we know who got Rogueís powers."

 Scott slumped down.

 "Just for once, I thought we might be able to enjoy a day without those blasted glasses and instead, I get...ah crap."

 They sat there for a moment in silence before Scott spoke again, thinking over what he had just absorbed.

 "Honey. Do you really like Loganís butt?"

 She started going a bright red as suddenly Remy came through the door. Without opening it.

 "Oh excusť moi, mes Amis. I thought this was the girlís room."

 Neither said a word but just sat in stunned silence, as he looked at a barely-dressed Jean up and down and then left as quickly as he had come. They looked at each other for a moment before Scott stumbled out of bed after the Cajun.


After a few mishaps, the entire school gathered in the hall to have breakfast. People were just sitting down when a freshly shaven Logan, or at least it walked and sounded like Logan, walked into the room.

 "What? What you looking at?" He asked grumpily as more then a few people stared. He went to unsheathe a claw but then decided that walking around with holes in his hands for the day would be rather foolish just to save face.

 He sat down with the rest of the team where they all looked at him in amusement. Ororo was the first to speak.

 "I donít know what it is, but thereís something different about you today."

 "Laugh it up." Logan replied, throwing a piece of bread at her.

 The table laughed at Loganís discomfort.

 "Alright, so I shaved. I figured that it might be the last chance I get to see what I look like under all this hair for a year so I might as well take it."

 The others nodded in agreement, all having plans to do something different today. Logan became distracted as he picked up another piece of bread and held his cigar lighter under it, slowly "toasting" it.

 "Now if I could just shake this urge to set fire to everything Iíd be doing very nicely."


 "Sorry, me again."

 The whole room looked over to where Kitty had just destroyed another cup. She was doing her version of the Midas touch where everything she touched got filled with kinetic energy. The academy was running out of cups fast.

 "This is getting embarrassing." Kitty mumbled under her breath to the others at the table.

 They all held their faces. Well except Jubilee who sat glumly in her glasses.

 John smiled. "Cheer up Jubes, youíre getting everyone down."

 "Cheer up? I look like Bono in drag. How the hell am I supposed to cheer up?"

 "Good point"

 You could take your clothes off.


 The whole table looked at her in surprise.

 "Who said that?"

 "Said what Jubes?"

 She looked them all again. They all looked at her in concern.

 "Nothing, I must be hearing things. No wonder Mr Summers is so strange."


Scott sat dejected as well. His plans for the day were pretty much in tatters. He had great plans but they all revolved around being able to touch people to some degree or another. He really did get all the shitty luck.


Kitty destroyed two more cups before breakfast finished and decided to find Remy to get a handle on how to control the flow of kinetic energy. Remy, who hadnít come to breakfast was busy phasing from room to room looking at the cool and interesting things everyone had. Being able to walk through solid objects certainly made breaking and entering easier.

 Scott was walking back to his office when *BAMF* Professor Xavier appeared beside him.

 "What a marvellous way of getting around." Xavier said, a large smile on his face.

 "Mmmm," Scott replied, his thoughts elsewhere.

 Xavier hid his own joy as he informed Scott of what he was thinking.

 "Iím concerned Scott, that given the nature and chaos of the day that Eric may take this opportunity to strike."


...At that moment on an island off the coast...


"This is great." The voice deepened dramatically,  "Fear me for I am Toad, mutant master of magnetism."

In his room, in his bed, Eric hid under his pillow as he fought the craving for raw meat. It was going to be a very long day.


...Back at the academy...

"Okay, professor. Iíll make sure that defences are working and *BAMF*...Iíll...never mind."

The Professor obviously decided that appearing out of nowhere and frightening some one was more fun then discussing tactics. He was probably right.


Marie and John sat alone at the table. John was busy making little gusts of wind and knocking cutlery over while Marie played nervously with her hair.


"Ah ha," he replied, not paying any attention.

"Ah was thinking that seems as Ah am able to touch and all that maybe you and Ah could..."

"Just one sec," John interrupted as he, with the tiniest of drafts, knocked a spoon off the table. "This is just the business. Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Oh nothing. You have fun now."

With a sad frown she left John to his one-man demolition of the kitchen. She heard him laugh as another plate went crashing to the floor. She looked at her list and scratched off his name. Next on the list was Remy. He was a pure ladyís man so she should have some success there surely.


 Kitty who had had no luck finding Remy sat in the den with Bobby who was half looking at her out of the corner of his eye, thinking over and over in his head, "Itís hot in here."

 Kitty looked around the room and then looked at Bobby.

 "Bobby, is it me or is it hot in here?"

 "Sorry what? Oh Kitty, sorry I was away in a world of my own. Ah what did you say?"

 "Do you think itís hot in here."

 "In here? No. Seems okay to me."

 Take your top off because itís so hot.

 "I donít know, I must be coming down with something." Kitty mumbled as she took off her sweater.

 Bobby couldnít take it anymore and burst out laughing.

 "Whatís so funny?"

 "Nothing, Iím sorry, I was just thinking of a joke."

 "What joke," she asked suspiciously.


 There is no joke. Sit down and forget this ever happened.

 "What were we talking about again?" Kitty asked, her expression vacant for a moment.

 Bobby, fighting hard to keep from leaping in the air and singing, just looked at her as if she was strange.

 "Were we talking?"

 "Iím going to the doc, I donít feel so good."

 "Okay Kitty, be safe."

 "Yeah," she nodded as she made her way out of the den.

 Bobby put down the book that he had been "reading", upside down no less. Screw this book he thought as he made his way out of the den to make more mischief. Why would he need the book when he could do what it taught for real?

 The book lay half open on the couch. "How to win friends and influence people."


Kurt didnít fancy himself much as an artist but now he could see why Peter enjoyed the sheer act of creation so much. Though the midday sun soon caused them to deform, he was very proud of his ice sculptures, each of them representing a different member of the team. He had done a number of them facing each other on the main drive leading into the academy.

 He was just beginning his self-portrait when one of the mansionís cars pulled up next to him. The window slid down and a well groomed, freshly shaved and trimmed man looked back at him. Kurt frowned as he struggled to realise who it was. The voice gave it away.

 "Thereís no way my ass is that big."

 "Herr Logan, I didnít recognize you without your...hair, Herr Logan." Kurt said, still slightly baffled.

 "Try saying that ten times quickly?"

 "Why all dressed up?" Kurt said indicating to the rather expensive suit that Logan was wearing.

 Logan looked down, almost forgetting for a moment how he appeared.

 "Oh this, well thereís this cigar place in town thatís real exclusive and they wonít let you in the door unless youíre presentable, ya know? So now that I can appear presentable Iím going to enjoy a nice pleasant day away from the funny farm and sample some Cubans."

 "Enjoy yourself."

 "Sure will, Kurt, I sure will," Logan replied as he pulled out of the driveway. 

 From her vantage place atop the rooftops Marie watched the car pull away and sighed to herself. There goes another one. She was running out of men quickly.

 For the entire duration of the morning, she had been searching for a guy, any guy, to snuggle up with while she still could. It seemed that they were all too busy playing with their newfound powers to be interested in more mundane relationship stuff.

 She had played with her power for a bit too, but moving stuff around with your mind wasnít as riveting as Jean sometimes made it look. No, what she wanted to do was experience the bond that Jean mentioned that she had with Scott. But so far no joy.


 Marie almost jumped when the professor appeared out of thin air in his wheelchair. He balanced the thing carefully on the top of the roof, having to adjust quickly for every little gust of wind that came along and threatened to send him plummeting downward.

 "Ah Marie. I was just coming...oh...sorry, gust of wind. I was just coming up here to admire Kurtís handiwork. Mmmm, I never realised Loganís ass was so big."

 They both laughed though Xavier stopped suddenly when he almost toppled backwards.

 "I could have picked a better spot." He concluded. "What brings you up here, child?"

 "Just trying to figure stuff out, Ah guess."

 Xavier nodded, knowing instinctively what was troubling her.

 "Iím guessing man trouble." He ventured.

 "Lack of men is the trouble." She replied in an agitated voice.

 "Ah have a chance to be close to someone for the first time in months and everyoneís too busy to even notice me. Theyíre all too busy playing superheroes."

 Xavier nodded. It was time for some of his patented home spun wisdom.

 "Marie, I have found from years of observing and have...ooohh...sorry, and even having some experience in the field to know that the way to a manís heart is through his SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

 A double whammy of wind suddenly caught the professor off guard and he went careening forward, over the lip of the roof and out into thin air.


 And then he was gone.

 Marie frowned for a moment. The way to a manís heart was through his shi...Oh now come on! She was desperate but she wasnít that desperate. She started to clamber back down, still thinking about the strangest bit of advice yet she had heard Xavier give.


"Iím sorry Honey, I didnít mean it." A truly apologetic Scott Summers began.

"Listen to me Scott and listen to me very carefully..." Jean said, her face contorted in anger.

"It was an accident, I forgot." Scott continued pleading.

"Sure you did, you just keep away from me you soul sucking jerk." And with that proclamation she strode off into the depths of the mansion.

And all he had done was give her a quick reassuring touch on the hand.

Bloody powers.


"This way, you table is ready sir."

"Thank you, my good man."

Logan sat at the table and folded out an unsightly crease before carefully sifting through the assorted cigars on the table in front of him. He felt like a kid in a candy store. The waiter returned with a glass of cognac. He laid it on the table next to the assortment of cigars.

"Sir if I may, this is a particularly fine leaf."

Logan pursed his lips and nodded. He took the cigar and rolled it between his fingers before inhaling its odour. Exquisite.

"Yes, I think I will try this."

The man held out a lighter and Logan gazed at it for a moment, images of a huge fireball coming into his mind. Logan buried it quickly as the man ignited the tip of his cigar. He took a chest full of it in and suddenly he was in nirvana.


Remy was as giddy as a ten your old school girl.

"And you will not believe what she have beneath her bed."

John and Bobby both squealed in laughter as Remy filled them in all the sordid details of what was in everyoneís bedrooms.

Remy stopped laughing and suddenly his face grew semi serious as he looked at Bobby.

"Eh Bobby, since when you been a fan of Mariah Carey?"

Bobby stopped guffawing instantly as the other two exploded into laughter. He narrowed his eyes and looked at them both.

You will both forget this conversation took place, you will forget about the Mariah Carey CD.

The two boys stopped laughing for a moment and they looked momentarily confused.

"So you were saying about the what was beneath her bed." Bobby started.

"Oh yeah, well she has the most enormous..."

"Phew that was a close one," Booby thought to himself. "Iíll have to hide that bloody CD"


"I donít know at all Jubilee, what I am going to do?" Marie asked.

Jubilee who had returned to her room straight after breakfast wasnít feeling on top of the world either.

"You think you got it bad, Iíve got to wear these stupid things." She said as she indicated to the goggles that seemed a little too large for her small face.

"Am Ah ugly?"

"Itís hard to tell, honey, Ďcause everything looks a shade of red at the moment." Jubilee said half jokingly, but saw, in crimson, that it wasnít appreciated. Tough crowd she thought to herself.

"Okay whoíd ya try?"

"The easy guys. I tackled John down in the kitchen but he was away in a world of his own."

"No change there then."

"No not really, then I looked for Remy but heís too busy breaking into peopleís rooms."

Jubilee nodded, haven gotten a shock when she emerged from the toilet to find Remy looking through her top drawer. He had smiled sheepishly and said that he thought it was Scottís room before phasing out the door at high speed.

"I went looking for Logan but Kitty says it seems heís turned into Mr. GQ Smooth and has headed off into town."

"My, you have been the regular slut wannabe, havenít you?" Jubilee joked.

Marie looked like she might start crying.

"Aw cheer up. You still havenít tried the human hormone have you?"


"Bobby. You know Bobby, if it can wear a skirt and get away with it, heís interested. But a word of advice, take it easy, guys for some reason donít like to feel that they are being pursued...


...At that very moment on an island off the coast...

Still fighting the inclination to kill something and eat it raw, Eric had remained in bed all morning and well into the afternoon. He could hear the crashing outside as Toad got used to flinging metal things around.


There goes the helicopter. Well, heíll be the one fixing it so heís only hurting himself.

"Oh Eric," a voice called seductively from the doorway.

He took the pillow from off his head and looked over. Mystique was standing provocatively by the door. She licked her lips with her tongue, which in and of itself wasnít bad except for the fact her tongue almost stretched to his face before looping back to her full lips.

"I thought we might try something different." She said lustily.

"Oh dear," Eric thought before retreating beneath the pillow again...


...Back to the room...

...They want to be ones doing all the running. They obviously enjoy getting rejected or something."

Marie nodded as if this was the wisest thing she had ever heard and got up to leave before remembering her manners.

"You okay all by yourself."

"Sure, girl. Iím going to sleep off the curse of Scott Summers and wake up tomorrow a happy firecracker. I expect to hear all about you and the boy of slush in the morning."

Marie blushed as she made her way out the door in search of that very boy.


"Weeeeeeeeeeeeee," John proclaimed as he took flight off the rooftop. However, he now noted with some alarm that he was falling more then flying. Kurt watched him below with some concern, especially as he was heading on a direct line for one of his sculptures.

There were a few muffled curses as John collided with the large ice likeness of one of the X-Men.

He emerged damp, cold but unhurt, and with a big smile on his face.

"Man, Iím lucky Loganís got such a big ass or that could have been painful...You couldnít make another embankment, could you Kurt Ďcause Iíve really got to do this again."

Kurt sighed as John took off into the academy to climb to the roof again. He began making a nice soft runway for Kurt.


"So I sez to him, buddy, Iím going to stick my claw through your big fat gut of you donít give me my drink."

 A thoroughly drunk Logan was explaining all this to the embarrassed owner of the cigar shop. The owner smiled politely at some of the other customers and indicated that Logan obviously couldnít handle his drink. After all, he had had very little. As his immune system wasnít doing its usual bang up job, Logan was feeling for perhaps the first time in a long time what it was to feel after one (or two) too many.

 "I think I better call you a cab."

 "Call me a cad! You swine. Why I ought to..."

 And he collapsed on the floor, before getting to finish what was no doubt an incredible threat.


"...Sorry Bobby, I zoned out there for a minute."

 "Donít worry Ďbout it Mr. Summers. I best be going anyway."

 "Okay, sure, Bobby."

 Summers watched him leave while he tried in vain to remember what it was they were talking about.

 Bobby smirked to himself. This was the easiest 100% he was ever going to get. No wonder Xavier was a Professor. All he had to do was plant the right suggestion and he could become anything he wanted.

 Having taken care of that piece of business it was time to destroy some incriminating evidence. Mariah Carey CD, time to die.

 He walked happily to his room as Remy phased out of another door.

 "Eh, Bobby, Rogue be looking for you."

 "Yeah? Okay...Díyou find anything interesting?"

 "Nah, Iíll keep looking though."

 "You do that."

 And Remy phased into the next room as Bobby went in through the door of his.

 He reached under the loose floorboard and removed the CD. He was thinking about the best new place to hide it someone knocked on his door.

 "Crap" he mumbled to himself as he stuffed the CD down the front of his pants.

 "Oh hi...Rogue...Whatís up?"

 "Can Ah come in?"

 "Uh...Sure I guess...Come in, be welcome."

 She came in and looked around, always amazed at the sheer volume of junk Bobby manage to gather. She looked at Bobby and saw he was standing awkwardly.

 "Is something wrong, Bobby?"

 "What...oh nothing, I think I pulled a muscle today or something." He smiled as he spoke though his brain was laughing at him.

 Tell her the truth you dork. Tell her you have a Mariah Carey CD stuffed down the front of your pants. Sheíll get a kick out of that.

 "Whatís up anyway, Rogue?" Bobby asked, eager to get her out of his bedroom as quickly as possible. Now whoíd have  thought that heíd ever want that to happen? Bloody Mariah Carey.

 "Well, as you know..."

 Gee, she looks cute donít you think?

 Shut up brain, I canít think about that now. Thereís not enough room downstairs as it is with that bloody CD. Getting all excited is not going to help.

 "...feel a connection like Jean. And well you and Ah have always been close so..."

 But look at her. That face, those lips, and donít get me started on the body.

 Oh dear god, please brain, Iím begging you to shut up, youíre killing me here.

 "...so what it comes down to Bobby, is that Ah want you."



 Goddamn you brain, you distracted me when I should I have been listening.

 Marie looked at him curiously, thinking that she had laid it out very simply for him. It was Bobby after all. Maybe he just needed an incentive or something. She slowly started taking off her top.

 Oh my god brain, sheís taking off her top, what do I do?


 Good idea.

 And like many noble men before him, in the face of overwhelming odds, Robert Drake esq. ran (awkwardly) from the room.

 Having got her top off, Marie looked around at the empty room.


 He was after doing a runner.

 "Thatís it. From this moment on, Ah am having nothing to do with men or boys." She declared as she began putting her top back on.


As the night drew on and people started to retire to bed, Scott Summers went to the Professorís office for their appointed meeting. He saw it was empty but decided to wait anyway. Then *BAMF* there he was sitting opposite him.

 "Might as well enjoy it, itíll be gone soon." The professor said devilishly.

 "So Scott, whatís the damage been this year."

 "Well, Kitty pretty much destroyed everything she touched. Jubileeís room will have to be repaired. Logan was bailed out for being drunk and disorderly. Thereís a mountain of slush out the front, which John spent the day diving into. Every room in the building was broken into or rather phased into though nothing was taken. Other then that, the usual inter personnel conflicts."

 The Professor smiled. "Did you see how scarred Robert Drake looked at dinner?"

 "Yeah, something must have really spooked him. All I can say is thank goodness this only happens once a year."

 The professor nodded though secretly he wouldnít mind too much if it were a bi-annual event.


And as always, on an island off the coast, another mutant disagreed with Xavier in the strongest possible terms.

 "Stop floating the bed, Toad, Iím warning you."

 The end...until next year.