(NB: This story is completely outside of anything remotely resembling any kind of continuity and owes some to Alara Rogers, some to others of the rec.arts.anime Gatchaman lunat..er... I mean fans, and the rest to my lewd crude imagination. So there.)

The Gatcha Horror Picture Show

by Ennien Ashbrook

No one knew exactly how the idea was thought of in the first place, although it was speculated that Director Nambu had had a little too much sake. Make that a lot too much sake. Make that more sake than anyone should have while threatening Sosai X (at least, if there was a remote chance of Sosai hearing the threats). On the Galactor side of the equation, no one knew why Sosai had agreed to the challenge, especially since it would inevitably involve insults, hisses and great humiliation to both himself and his beloved pets.

The challenge: To stage a production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and see whose characters got the standing ovations. The stakes: rulership of the Earth.

Everyone got to play their favorite character, or as near to as possible. This was good for Joe, who was locked in one of the theater dressing rooms, suiting up.

Part of the challenge was that nobody knew what character anybody else would be playing. The other part of the challenge was that neither Jun nor Ken had ever been to a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture show. Joe wondered whether their prudery would ruin things, or add even more hilarity.

He looked at himself, nodded in satisfaction, and gathered up what remained of his costume -- he'd need help in getting it all on. So he picked up his stuff, and opened the door. At the same time, the door across the hall from him also opened, revealing its occupant.

Joe's jaw hit the floor.

An equally astonished expression graced the white-make-uped, heavily painted face of Berg Katze. They looked each other up and down.

Katze stared in shock at Joe's gold painted Nike basketball shoes, gold Speedos and toilet paper bandages. Katze himself towered over Joe from atop four-inch-high platform shoes. His legs were encased in ripped fish-nets, and he clutched one of his gaudy purple capes about him. They stared each other in the eye.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh dear!"

They hung about in the theater wings, peering out at the audience occasionally.

"I don't want to know who they are or where they found them all.." Katze commented. Joe nodded; he wasn't sure he did either. A thought occurred to him and a moment later he had slammed the corseted mutant against the wall.

"And no funny stuff during our scenes!" he growled at the heavily made-up Galactor, "I heard about what you tried to do to Ken!"

The blue-lidded eyes gazed in puzzlement for a moment, then he burst out laughing, "Oh, good god, no! You think I'd actually try that?? You could buy shares in KY sterile lubricant and you'd still end up with a hernia! Hell no, I was just messing with his mind; you should have seen his face, it was hilarious.."

Joe stared at Katze in shock and revulsion -- or tried to. He was also trying to suppress the grin that threatened to become a chuckle which threatened to become outright laughter. He was succeeding at neither. Katze had Ken pegged to rights.

"Hey, I've got rice down my tits!" Katze exclaimed, to no particular purpose.

The curtain was lowered, signalling a change of scene. "The man you are about to see has no fucking neck!" the audience shouted. The curtain rose to reveal Sosai X in a red cravat.

Joe and Katze blinked.

"He has no fucking body either!" they chorused.

"So what are you planning to do to Ken during the bedroom scenes?" Joe asked while Sosai went on his spiel.

"I've been thinking about that.. HE HASN'T GOT BALLS TO DESCRIBE!.. Definitely muck about with his mind some more, its too good of an opportunity to miss."

"Yeah, whoever cast him as Brad sure knew what they were doing,"

An idea struck him and he leaned over to Katze, whispering in his ear. Katze's eyes grew round, "You're kidding??" "Nooo way!" The Galactor burst into evil laughter. Joe grinned, "Just don't let on it was me that told you!"


"Sing, bitch! I wonder how she's going to take the bedroom and tank room scenes.. she's as much a prude as Ken is... Hey! Where'd you get a water pistol???"

"Gimme that lighter for a sec.. oh you've got a flashlight?"

"Whose idea was it to cast Jinpei as Riff-Raff??"

"Probably the same person who cast Dr. Raphael as Magenta."

Joe looked behind the stage at the character in the bouffant wig, "That's Dr. Raphael???" Katze nodded.

"I wanna know how they coerced Sosai into being the Criminologist."

"I wanna know how he's wearing that cravat."


"Your scene's just about up."

"Yeah, I know, I get to Time Warp in the elevator, that's no fun.. "

"You're too kind," came Jun's voice. "KIND OF WHAT?"

"I never thought I'd live to see Sosai X doing the Time Warp," Joe muttered to himself. Katze Time Warp-ing was pretty much as expected -- exuberant with lots of hair being flung around. When Joe protested, Katze glared at him haughtily, said "What else is long hair for??" and whapped him in the face with it.

Now, Joe waited alone, clapping his hands along with the audience while the elevator slowly descended. He had a camera in his hands, eager to capture the expressions on Jun's and Ken's faces.

The elevator opened, revealing Berg Katze, grinning luridly. Jun screamed for real.

"How do you do I.. See you've met my.. Faithful.. Handyman" he draped an arm about Ken's shoulder. Ken squirmed. "He's just a little brought down because.. when you knocked.. he thought you were the candyman."

Katze pranced down the stage to the throne, paused, then flung the cape away in a dramatic gesture worthy of Tim Curry himself. Joe fell over laughing.

While creating his costume, Katze had been unable to find the right sort of giant fake pearls with which to make the necklace, so he had improvised. He had painted ping-pong balls with pearlescent paint and strung them together. The effect looked somewhat like glowing garlic.

"I've been.. making a man.."

"You call that a man?"

"I call that a brat!" shouted Joe from the wings.

"Shut up, Aniki! BOP! OW!" Jinpei glared at Katze, who was smiling innocently, and continuing to fondle "Riff's" hair.

"With blonde hair and a tan..." Katze trailed off, looking puzzled. He pulled a lock of his own long hair in front of his eyes, then examined his hands and arms. He shrugged, "And he's good for relieving my tension..I'm just a Sweet Transvestite.." he uncoiled lazily, fairly exuding sensuality, creeping with predatory grace towards Ken and Jun. Nobody knew whether Jun was faking the faints, by this time.

"So! Come up to the lab.." Katze leaned over, nose to nose with Ken, "And.. fuck me on the slab," he ran his tongue wickedly over his lips, "I see you shiver.. with antici.. anti.. er...uh.."


Katze snapped his finger, a metaphorical light bulb practically visible over his head, "...pation! But maybe the rain, isn't really to blame.. so I'll remove the cause," he stroked a finger lightly, sensuously, down Ken's cheek, leering all the while, "But not the symptoms!" The elevator shot up as the curtain came down.

Behind the stage, Ryu and Katze frantically wrapped more toilet paper around Joe.

"Tape! Tape! My kingdom for some tape!" Katze whispered, struggling with a stubborn bit that wouldn't stay in place.

"Here, use this.."

"What is it? Krazy Glue???"

"What?? Ryu, you've been Krazy Gluing this stuff to me?? I'll never get it off!"

"It's toilet paper! It'll rip off!"

"Quick, gimme that camera!!! It's the clothing scene!!"

"WHAT?? WHERE?? Ryu, get outta the way, I gotta see Ken's face!"

"Did anybody think to warn them?"

"No, why would we do that?"

"Oh my..!! He doesn't!"

"Doesn't what?"

"Evidently he does!"

"Does what? What's he wearing??"

"But he's nearly twenty!!"

"What's he.. Oh my Lord!!!"

"Katze, quit stuffing toilet paper in your mouth, you'll smear your lipstick."

"Breathe, Katze.. inhale.. bre- what am I saying???"

" "

"Oo, Jun's got a rip in her panties!"

"Where?? Where??"

"You missed it."

"Aw, shit."

"Shit!!" Katze cried, struggling into his gown. His chest heaved from suppressed hysteria but the white makeup hid the flush. "That's my cue!!"

The curtain lowered as the cast entered the elevator.

"Slaves.." came the voices of the audience.

The curtain went up, showing Ken, Jun, Jinpei, Dr. Raphael and Gel Sadra rising through the trap door in the stage. The spot lit on Katze.

They nearly fell over.

Katze had scoured the area's second hand and vintage clothing shops for the most hideous green dress possible. He had found it. It was a 1970's style polyester dress in olive green, with huge, gaudy flowers luridly printed all over it, in neon greens, oranges, pinks and yellows. Added to this were a pair of shocking orange rubber garden gloves, a truly insane smile, and a pair of google-lenses made out of the halves of a left-over ping-pong ball spotted with a felt pen.

When the moment was right, Katze flexed his eyebrows and the ping-pong balls fell away from his eyes, "Magenta! Columbia! Go and assist Woof-woo I mean Riff-Raff. I will entertain.. er.. "

From his position inside the covered tank, Joe listened to Katze's delivery and despaired. He was going to get the ovations, he knew it. Katze was a born actor, a true ham and comedian. He interspersed an "Ow!" every time he snapped a glove. Joe thought about the people of ISO, wondering if any of them could really compete with Galactor's first leader.

The cover was whipped away from the tank, revealing Joe's shadowy form. Now Katze was above him, giggling manically as he spun knobs and twiddled dials..

"It's fun to create with Crayola!" the audience sang.

Katze broke form, leaning against the tank and addressing the audience, "Somebody explain to me how this" he indicated the chandelier full of paints, "Is supposed to create life. I mean, I understand the spurting part but.." The audience broke up.

The cue was given, the spotlight was on. It was up to him. Joe stood up and ripped the toilet paper away from his face.

"Oh! Rocky!!"

Joe had sung "The Sword of Damocles", running about the stage full of dancing "Transylvanians", pursued by Katze. At some point or other, they had changed it around so that Katze was pursued by him, Katze screaming "Woo hoo woo hoo woo hoo" at the tops of his lungs. Finally they had ended back at the tank, Joe straddling the ladder and Katze leaning against it.

"You sound like Daffy Duck," Joe whispered. Katze grinned.

"Well really! That's no way to behave on your first day out!"

Joe slammed against the rail, pouting.

"But as you're of such.."


"As you're of.."

boo hoo hoo..


"BAWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!" Joe screamed, and began to kick the railing, sobbing hysterically. Katze ducked his head, biting his cheek.


Jun was leaning against the tank, her shoulders shaking with laughter. Ken was contorting his face, trying to keep it inside. Joe climbed down off the ladder, still wailing pathetically (and loudly), and dripped down Katze's front. Katze glared about.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Joe bawled, rolling about on the stage, kicking his feet and flailing his arms. Finally, he was silent.

Katze stared down at the prone form, cocked his head as he noted what the audience had noted with hushed giggles.

Katze looked out over the audience, his face stern, "Just say No to crack!"

"I can make you.. a maaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaa-annnn..." Katze sang, slumping against the refrigerator door. A klaxon blared, startling Katze and forcing him to back away.

"EDDIE!!!" screamed Gel Sadra, and darted forward. Perched on Jun's motorcycle, Ryu crashed through the styrofoam blocks and tossed his helmet away, "Whatever happened to Saturday nights?"

"Checked your calendar lately?" Katze hollered. Ryu flicked him the finger and continued his song. Katze chased him about the lab, armed with various weapons. First he tried Ken's sonic boomerang; then it was Jinpei's bola (bopping himself in the process). Then it was an ice axe. Finally, he sauntered up to Ryu, leered evilly, and gunned the chainsaw he was hiding into action. Ryu screamed and fled back into the refrigerator, Katze hot on his heels. Engine noises were followed by thunking sounds, as of stabbing. Gel Sadra screamed.

"The knife is stuck in the cantaloupe!" Joe overheard Ryu say. Finally, Katze emerged from the refrigerator, covered in what was quite obviously ketchup. Ryu wasn't aware that his hand had become visible to the audience, as he directed another squirt at Katze's back. The cast suppressed giggles.

"One from the vaults!"

"A greaser from the freezer," cast and audience intoned, "A bat out of hell."

Katze plucked at his ketchup-covered gloves, then turned to Dr. Raphael (whose wig was beginning to slide), "Here, you're into recycling..."

Joe hammered on the elevator door, drawing Katze, clucking like a mother hen, "Oh, baby! I'm upset! Don't be upset. What kind of killing do you call that?? It was a mercy killing. mercy mercy mercy He had a certain naive charm.. but no muscle PUMP IT!" Joe flexed, sending Katze into excellently faked spasms of ecstasy (or were they real? One never knew with Katze...)

"But a deltoid.. and a bicep.. a hot groin .. and a tricep.. makes me.. oooooooh!" Katze and Jinpei shimmied in unison.

"Dance with a brat?" Joe hollered.

"Shut up, Aniki! BOP! OW!" Jinpei glared at Katze, who obliviously continued his song.

"Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the balls hand.. In just seven days.. I can make you a maaaa-aaaa-aaa-aaaa-annnn..."

Katze began a perfect "step-kick", flinging his head back so far Joe was certain he was going to knock his own block off. He nearly lost it when Jun sang "I'm a muscle faaaaan." and the entire cast joined the audience in yelling "Shut up, slut!" Then it was time for Katze to lead Joe off to the bedroom. As the curtain descended, Joe leaped up into Katze's arms. The curtain came down.


THUD!! "Aow! That hurt.."

"Get off of me!"

"My brain huuuurts!"

"Shut up, Mr. Gumby!!"

Behind the curtain, the sets were being changed. It was an intermission for the audience, who went out to get drinks, snacks and smokes. In front of the "Frank's bedroom" set, Joe straddled Katze, rubbing his forehead where he had bumped it when Katze collapsed.

"Don't you even think it!" Joe hissed.

"Who, me?" Katze's voice rose from somewhere in the vicinity of Joe's crotch, "I'm as pure as the driven snow."

"In New York, maybe," Joe snarled.

"Will you get off my hair??"



"Oh... Hi, Jun..."

"What on EARTH are you two doing???"

"Joe, I got a bone to pick with y..*," Ken broke off in shock.

"Take a number!" Katze called. Joe's compromising position wouldn't allow him a good enough kick.


"T'weren't me, Sosai, he jumped me."

"It's true!" Jinpei chimed in.

"Shut up, Jinpei! BOP OW!" Joe glared at Katze, who was twiddling his thumbs idly.

"Look, you lot, we need to get the rest of these sets organized, you can finish your sexplay later," Director Nambu glared at Joe, "Joe, I knew you had a thing for Galactors, but I thought you had more taste."

"He does," came Katze's reply, flashing an "OK" handsign.

The other cast members filed away, leaving Joe and Katze alone again. Joe got up off Katze's hair; Katze sat up.

"I oughtta kill you for that.." Joe snarled.

Katze was entirely unperturbed, "If you did, who would pull the stunt on Ken?"


"Do you want me to do anything to Jun?"

"No, no, I'll take care of that myself," Joe snickered evilly, then his face turned dour again, "And if you tell anybody -- ANYBODY -- about why I didn't get up in front of them, I'll grind your corpse into hamburger, sell you to McDonald's and THEN tapdance on you!"

Jun was certain she would have nightmares about this horrible play for months. It was completely insane, most certainly not the sort of thing any well-bred young lady would be caught doing. Why did she let Dr. Nambu talk her into doing this? Why had he agreed to it in the first place? And WHO put the white-out on the scripts??

Nobody told her she'd be stripped to her underwear. No one told her there would be people in the audience yelling rude things. Definitely nobody told her Berg Katze would be playing Frank N. Furter, but then nobody knew that, and surely Joe was as unpleasantly surprised. But Joe didn't have to be in bed with him!

The worst part was, Jun was beginning to understand how Janet must have felt. Katze hadn't done anything that wasn't called for by the script, yet there was an overpowering sense of sexuality that fairly exuded from him. Magnetic, compelling, animal... and oh so tempting...

"BRAD!!!!" she screamed.

Katze sat up. In the pink light of the spot, behind the gauzy curtains, he regarded Jun's flushed face, heaving chest and erect nipples.

"What brought that on?" he wondered.

"Same set, different filter.." the audience chanted. Bang on, as it happened.

Ken lay on the bed, looked at his watch, and privately fumed. He was certain it had been Joe who had blotted out the part in the script where he had his clothing stripped off. Oh sure, the words had been there, but the actions surrounding them? He'd get Joe, oh yes..

"Oh, Brad!" cried Katze in a perfect imitation of Jun's voice, "It's no good here.. It will destroy us!"

"Don't worry, Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning." He stroked the wig, feeling Katze.... waaaaitaminute....


Katze's leer was right out of a Hammer horror flic, "I'm afraid so, Brad. But isn't it NICE!" The last word was spat with predatory intensity. Ken cringed.

"Er.. uh..What have you done with Janet?"

"Why..nothing! Why, do you think I should?"

"You tricked me, I've nevernever!"

"Yes, I know.." Katze purred, reaching for him, "But it wasn't all bad, was it?" His fingers found the spot at the back of Ken's neck, "Not even half bad?" His tongue was tracing down Ken's chest, "I think you found it.." Lower, "..Quite pleasurable.."

Ken gasped as Katze's wet tongue spiralled lazy circuits about his navel..

"JUN!!! I mean JANET!!!"

Backstage, Joe was having a field day. Oh how he wished he could be a fly under the bed....

"You want her to see you.. LIKE THIS??"

"Yahh!! Get awa.. 'Like..'.. ahh!"

"Say it, asshole!" the audience chimed. Ken's mind was a horrified blank.

"'I thought it was the real thing'" Katze whispered.


"'I thought it was the real thing', that's your line!"

"You bastard! I uh.. I thought it was the real thing!"

"Oh come on, Brad, admit it. You liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.."

"It is in the ISO," the audience returned. Backstage, Joe bit his lip, sneaking a glance at Dr. Nambu.

"Y..You promise you won't tell.." Ken got out.

"On my mother's grave," and Katze dove for Ken's belly button again. Ken whimpered.

"Tell us about it, Janet," Gel Sadra and Dr. Raphael cackled.

"I was feeling done in.." Jun sang with confidence. Joe was playing Rocky. Joe was safe. She felt safe with Joe. She didn't know what Katze had one to Ken, but then again he hadn't had to do anything to her and she was still... Concentrate on the song, girl...

"Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me.. I wanna be diiiirty.." Joe, what are you doing?? Not there! "Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me.. Creature of the night.."

Backstage, Dr. Nambu approached Katze, his face stern, "What did you do to Ken?" he demanded. Katze looked puzzled.

"Nothing. Why, do you think I should? BOP! OW!" Katze glared at Dr. Nambu, but he had walked away.

"This is a good place for a Stick-Up!" the audience commented.

"Joe, what are you doing??" Jun whispered.

He looked innocent, "But it has to look good or else Galactor will win!"

Jun carried on her song, feeling more and more that the freedom of the Earth wasn't worth this embarrassment.

Finally it was over, and Katze entered from stage left, whipping Jinpei with a cheap, three-foot bullwhip.

"What do you say when Frank fucks you, Riff?" the audience asked.

"MERCY!!" Jinpei screamed, delightedly imagining the outrage on Jun's face: She had really blown a fuse when she discovered he would be subjected to rude language and innuendo.

"I was only away for a minute.. doing what? Master bating."

"Well see if you can find him on the monitor!" How's your backhand? crack! Better than Curry's

Jinpei hobbled over to the monitor and flicked it on. The cast stared in amazement at the picture of Dr. Nambu in the wheelchair.

"Oh, even better.." Katze crowed, thinking of his modification to the set. "He'll probably be.. in the Zen room!" He turned to the audience, "Shall we inquire of him in person?"

"Sure, Frank! Use the triple contact electromagnet!" Katze threw the switch.

To wildly distorted sitar music, Dr. Nambu's wheelchair was dragged about the upper levels of the set by a very obvious rope. Katze threw another lever and the sliding panel of the 'wall' came up -- with modifications. Katze had painted upon it, in bold, black letters, the words "No Time to Lose".

"HEY, KOOL-AID!!!" cast and audience hollered, then burst into laughter as Dr. Nambu burst through the paper 'wall' panel.

"Great Scott!" Ken exclaimed, then glared at the pieces of leftover toilet paper Joe was flinging at him.

"Frank N. Furter," Dr. Nambu intoned in an East Russian accent. Mit Kraut! "We meet at last." No, we meet at first.

"Dr. Scott!" Ken pushed past Katze, his hand outthrust towards Dr. Nambu.

"Brad, what are you doing here?" Oh, just fucking around...

"You know perfectly well what Brad is doing here, Dr. Scott. Getting good head It was part of your set up, wasn't it? That he and his.. female... should check the layout for you? Well, I'm afraid the plans are to be changed. I hope you're adaptable, Dr. Scott: I know Brad is," Katze turned to leer at Ken, who blushed to the roots of his hair. You promised you wouldn't tell!

"I can assure you zat Brad's presence here is a complete surprise to me," Nambu returned in an Austrian accent, "I came here to find lunch! Eddie."

At this point, Jun missed her cue and moaned. Or it might have had something to do with Joe. That point was never clarified. However, after a moment's recovery, the audience shouted "Mickey Mouse roll call, sound off!"


"Dr. Scott!"






"Dr. Scott!"






"Dr. Scott!"





"Listen! I made you... and I can break you just as easily!" KLOON!!! "Mah-stah, dinner is pre-pairred!"

Even Katze's ears were ringing from the recoil of Dr. Raphael's gong.

In the dining room set, Jinpei handed Katze an electric knife, "Hermaphrodites, start your engines! BOP! OW!" He glared at Katze, who blithely continued to cut the "meat."

"That looks like a giant bologna," Joe whispered. Katze nodded imperceptibly.

"I think it is."

"Wonder what part that's supposed to represent..."

"I've been refraining from thinking about it. I'm sure I don't want to know."

What kind of wine is it? Oh, table wine..

"A toast.." Katze ducked a bready missile, "To absent friends."

Audience and cast donned birthday hats. While in the wings, Joe had discovered that if he put the hat on the right way, he could flip it up like a lid, simply by flexing his jaw. This would be perfect during the birthday song, he thought.

"Happy Birthday to you woo!" He saw Katze's eyes slide away from him, to gaze determinedly at the ceiling.

"Happy Birthday to you woo!" Dr. Nambu bit his lip. Gel Sadra was unsuccessful and was giggling.

They finished the birthday song, went through the "tender subject," and listened to "Rockin' Nambu" singing with a Ukrainian accent. When it was over, Katze rose and grabbed the table cloth. He yanked.

He stared in dumbfounded amazement at the cutlery, dishes and centerpieces, all still neatly arranged on the now-naked table top.

"It worked!!!"

Oh Frank, bite your knuckle and go talk to the refrigerator like Sosai X

"And my children turn on me.." Katze began, then got an attack of the giggles. Backstage, Sosai himself glowered, while Sadra thumped the mattresses, trying not to laugh.

What's your favorite high-protein drink?

"Eden-Soy! We must prepare for the floor show!"

Katze fiddled anxiously with his feathers, trying to get the ones in his hair to stand up properly. To top it off, his garters kept popping. The music had started and Gel Sadra, having been 'de-medusa'd by means of a spotlight, was singing her verse of the song. It was made all the more surreal by her voice.

"I'm not sure who's the worse singer in this production.." Katze muttered to himself, hiding in the wings.

"I am just seven hours old," Joe sang

And you can't sing worth shit!" Katze shouted.

Truly beautiful.. to behold But you can't sing!

And somebody should be told that you can't sing?

My libido hasn't been controlled neither's your singing voice

Now the only thing I've come to trust is Jun's bust" Joe directed a glare at the shadow-hidden Katze. "Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.."

"It's beyond me," Ken sang, struggling with high heels, popping garters and tripping himself with his boa. Yep; Brad. "Help me, Mommy.. I'll be good, you'll see.. Take this dream awaaaaaaay..

What's this? It's your foot Let's see..see? I feel sexy.. What's come over me? Frank Whoa, here it comes again! My mistake, epilepsy."

"I feel.. released.. you sure don't look it!"

Katze was doubled over with laughter. Jun looked about as released as an overwound watch spring. She didn't seem to be any more coordinated in high heels than Ken. While she stumbled and staggered her unsexy way to her verse's finish, Katze climbed to the top of his platform and sincerely hoped the stairs would work this time.

"What ever happened to Fay Wray?"

"She went apeshit!" Joe returned. Katze fought off a glare.

"That delicate, satin-draped frame.. as it clung to her thigh.."

"What? The apeshit?"

"How I started to cry..."

"I'd cry too if I had apeshit on my thigh.."

"'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.." Kick that prick! Katze kicked the lever. He kicked it again. And again. He wound up and punted with all his weight. The lever broke off. Joe ran over and began yanking on the stair. It refused to budge.

"Erotic nightmares.. beyond any measure.." Katze sang, staring down at the figures struggling with the stair. "Can't you just feel it.. Whoa.. oa.. ooooh!"

"Geronimo!!!" the audience shouted. Katze hurled himself off the ledge...

...And twisted an ankle. The pool wasn't meant for high dives.

Katze's resulting limp was completely disguised by his trying to keep up with Ken and Jun, neither of whom had any coordination whatsoever. Joe was trying to keep from laughing. "Wild and untamed things"? -- Forget it!

"Frank N. Furter, it's all over," Jinpei sang, looking small and ridiculous beside the bouffant-wigged Dr. Raphael, "Your mission is a failure; your lifestyle's too extreme. I'm your new commander.. you now are my prisoner.."

"Please don't ask about his hairdo," Joe interrupted, "It's done by Dairy Queeeeeeen!"

"Shut up, Aniki!"

"BOP Ow!" hollered the audience. Katze wore the smugly sublime smile of one who has started a trend.

Having managed to not-giggle his way through his song, (interrupted by Joe shouting things like "Ken naked!", reminding Katze of that notable's face during the bedroom scenes) Katze had been shot by Jinpei and was currently under the sheet waiting for the rope to fall.

"Rope! Rope!" chanted the audience. Still no rope.

Katze threw back the sheet, "C'mon, I'm dying over here! Let's have some flippin' rope!" The rope collapsed onto his head. "Thank you," and he disappeared back under the sheet.

This was Joe's cue to begin his hysterical Sally Struthers crying fit, flinging himself onto Katze and incidentally, getting a knee in a sensitive spot. Katze saw stars.

Because of their costumes, Katze was unable to hang onto Joe without it being very obvious that he was not dead. Thus, Joe had to cling to Katze with one arm, while the other struggled to lift them both up the ladder attached to the tower.

"That hurt!" Katze hissed.

"Aw, shaddap, ya weenie."

"I bet the audience is getting quite the view."

"Huh?? Whazzat supposed to mean?"

"Don't you remember? Bad moon rising..."

That did it. On the next rung, Joe "slipped" and "accidentally" dropped Katze.

What followed took much less time to happen than it does to write about it. There was a shriek, the scrape of nails on flesh, the popopopopopop-pop of multiple corset snaps giving way, a sudden knife of groinal pain that vanished as quickly, accompanied by the sound of ripping fabric, a splash, then a strange sensation of coolness.

Cursing and spluttering, Katze clawed his way up to the surface of the pool and flung his hair back out of his face. He glared at the remnant of fabric in his hand.

He stared at it. He realized what it was. His eyes grew REAL wide. A shadow fell across him and he looked up.

The tower was falling. Silence followed the crash. Then the water began to boil and froth, spitting forth Berg Katze moving faster than ever, followed by Joe the Condor, stark naked save for a ripped garter belt and soggy fishnets.


"You narded me!!"



They careened past Ken, who had to fan Jun -- she had passed out at the sight of Joe's birthday best. In stunned silence, cast and audience watched Katze bolt off stage, with Joe in hot pursuit. Dr. Nambu rose out of his wheelchair and faced the audience.

"I never wanted to be in this shambolic play..."

The theater doors slammed open with a sound like gunshot.





They vanished out the other door.

The audience rose and applauded like fury.

Much later:

"Well... 'at's all of 'em.."

"I don' li' th' white."

"Me neev.. neid.. Me too. Li' the spiced."

"Yeah.. spiced is good. Don' like it with Pepsi though.."

"No, don' tas' good with Pepsi.. "

"Tas' good with Jolt."

"Yeah, tas' good with Jolt."

"The dark'z okay."

"Like the dark."

"Cap'm M'rgan's z' bez'"

"Yeah.. like Cap'm M'rg'n." Joe looked up from the collection of rum and cola bottles spread out before them, "Wha' wuz I mad at you 'bout?"

Katze thought hard, but the effort proved too tasking. "Donno," he said finally, then peered unsteadily at Joe, "You gotz no cloze on."

Joe regarded himself, "'Z true; I don'."

"I gotz no cloze on either."

"'Z true; you don'."

"Wonner why.."

"Donno... wan' 'nuther spice 'n Jolt?"


Much, much later:

Joe woke to two realizations: One, he had a pounding headache. Two, there was someone sleeping beside him. He felt the long, soft hair and smiled. Must have scored last night, he thought, the idea reinforced by his nudity. He turned to look at his companion.

His smile turned to horror. His companion, cuddled on his shoulder, was equally nude. A small smile hovered about the lips of the sleeping Katze.

What the hell happened last night???