Charles, Noel and Alara Rogers
The red-headed person broke Berg Katse's house security with ease and waltzed into the house, giggling gleefully. He picked up Katse's phone, and dialed a number. He waited. There was a click.
"Hello. Ernie's Pizza. How the hell can I help you?" A hostile voice blared.
"I'd like, oh, make it thirty-five pizzas, and-- you do carry calzones, don't you?"
"What the hell do you think?"
"You don't? Pity. And I'd also like, um, fifteen bottles of champagne."
"What the hell are you talking about? Who the hell is this?"
"This is Mr. B.K. That's all you have to know."
"Yeah, Mr. B.K, well, listen, we don't sell champagne."
"Pity. I'll have to get it somewhere else."
"Like I care. That it?"
"Where the hell do you want us to send it?"
"Send it to this address-" He said the address, and hung up, grinning evilly.
"Wait!" Ernie said. "How are you going to pay for-- oh, hell with it."
Katse walked in the door to his house. He was exhausted, and all he wanted was to go to sleep. He unlocked the door to his bedroom, and saw-- pizzas. Many, many pizzas. 15 at least. He moaned in anguish, and cried out loud, "André!"
André Sordonne's phone rang. He answered it on the seventeenth ring.
"André, you ordered thirty-five pizzas in my name and dumped them all over my bed."
"Look, can't you crank callers pick on someone else? Look, here's a phone number to call: 555-8318."
The voice on the other end shrieked "André! That's my number!"
André smiled serenly. "Who is this?" he asked.
"You know who this is." The voice on the other end sounded extremely irritated."
"Oh, hi, Bei-chan! So what was that problem again?"
"André, you know what you did!"
"Do I? What did I do?"
"You ordered thirty-five pizzas in my name and dumped them in my bedroom!!!" the voice on the other side practically howled.
"Did I? When?"
"I don't know! All I know is that they're cold."
"They are? Pity. You ought to put them in your microwave."
"That's not the point. What am I going to do with 35 pizzas?"
"Let me think. Hmm, this is tough. Oh, I've got it! Have you tried eating them?"
"I HAVE NO INTENTION OF EATING THE DAMN PIZZAS!"
"Then why did you order them?"
"I DIDN'T! YOU DID!"
"Did I? When?"
There was the sound of several deep breaths being taken.
"You know you did it, André," Katse said, still taking breaths to remain calm. "I know you did it. So let's stop the games right now."
Katse tried very hard not to scream.
"Calm down, Bei-chan. Is something wrong?"
"Yes, something is wrong."
"Someone ordered 35 pizzas in my name and it was you. Don't deny it."
"You do realize that I could kill you if I wanted to."
"Of course. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Katse decided to try a different approach. "Do you have any idea who could have sent pizzas to my home?"
"Do you have any enemies?"
"My enemies are slightly more mature than that. It was you, André."
"Me, Bei-chan? What makes you even think that I did it?"
"You're giggling. Besides, who calls me B.K?"
"Well, I do. Anyone else you can think of?"
"No, André. Just you."
"Maybe it was someone imitating me."
"No, André, it was you."
"Are you sure? After all, anyone could figure out your initials. It's not the hardest task in the world. It just takes a bit of common sense. Berg begins with a B-"
"Sorry. But you don't need to be so paranoid. No one else is listening. At least no one besides the three people on the party line. They're very discreet, and none of them are ISO agents. At least most of them aren't. And they're all pretty dimwitted anyway-they'd never connect Bei-chan or B.K. with the name Berg Katse. At least I don't think so. Would you, guys?"
"Bei-chan! Are you hurt?"
"No, André. It was just a scream of frustration. Nothing to worry about."
"That's good. Do you want me to come over and eat the pizzas with you?"
"I'm not going to eat the pizzas, André," Katse said, remaining as calm as possible when conversing with André Sordonne. "I hate pizzas."
"Then feed them to your men."
"They hate pizza too."
"Make them eat it. What's the point of being a Galactor leader if you can't make your men eat foods that they hate?"
"Would you stop dropping that term?"
"Galactor Leader. You never know who might be listening in."
"Yes I do. And don't worry, they're harmless. Well, mostly harmless. Just Captain Darrens, Chief Frudencker and Kozaburo Nambu."
"Very funny, André."
"I thought so."
"I knew perfectly well that Nambu wasn't there."
"That's right, Bei-chan, I knew I couldn't put one over you. You're so much cleverer than me. It's no wonder you're the Chosen One of X, whereas I-"
"I think I'm going to kill you, André."
"You can't kill me, Bei-chan, I'm too good in bed."
"I'm serious, André."
"So am I. Let me check my schedule, see if I can squeeze death in."
"I'm really serious, André."
"Really Serious André? I thought you were Berg Katse. Hey, did you know that we have a name in common? My first name is André."
Katse hung up. After five minutes of plotting André's untimely demise, most likely painful, Katse sighed, and flopped down on his bed, crushing eight pizzas. "Damn! He is too good in bed!" He sighed again, and started munching on slice of pizza.
André hung up the phone, picked it up again, and hit redial.
"Hello. Ernie's Pizza. How the hell can I help you?"
"Hello, this is Kozaburo Nambu. I'd like forty-five pizzas sent to my office."
"Where the hell's the address?"
André told Ernie, grinning again.
"Wait a sec!" Ernie yelled before André could hang up. "I already let one of youse weirdos get away without paying me! I'm not getting stiffed again!"
"Hmm," André thought. "Put it all on my bill. The other order too. That's Kozaburo Nambu, K as in kid, O as in ostrich--"
"Okay, I get the damn point already!" Ernie hung up.
"After all," André said, after a few minutes. "It's not fair just tormenting one side, now is it?"
Note: This was written when the co-authors were respectively 15, 18 and 10, in billing order. So if it seems a trifle immature, it probably is. --AJER